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The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )
- Thread starter Cobra
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- Nod (UK)
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Brendan Mulachy
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- dave
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I went for a check up today and all was going well until he stuck his finger up my arse
Do you think i should change my dentist?
Do you think i should change my dentist?
kennethwfd
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- ken
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Ma and Pa were two old hillbillies living out on a farm up in the hills.
Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full.
He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole.
Ma says,
"Why don't you go ask the young'n down the road? He must be smart 'cause he's a college gradjyate." So Pa drives down to the neighbor's house and asks him,
"Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty it."
The young'n tells him,
"Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time.
The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole." Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.
He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree. All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air. BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite, spreading poop all over the farm.
Then, WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.
Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks,
"Ma, are you all right?"
As she pulls up her panties she says, "Yeah. but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen!"
Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full.
He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole.
Ma says,
"Why don't you go ask the young'n down the road? He must be smart 'cause he's a college gradjyate." So Pa drives down to the neighbor's house and asks him,
"Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty it."
The young'n tells him,
"Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time.
The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole." Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.
He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree. All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air. BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite, spreading poop all over the farm.
Then, WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.
Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks,
"Ma, are you all right?"
As she pulls up her panties she says, "Yeah. but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen!"
Sky
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- Trevor
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Little Firefighter
A fire-fighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides,
And a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a fire-fighters helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The fire-fighter walked over to take a closer look. ‘That
Sure is a nice fire truck,' the fire-fighter said with admiration.'
Thanks,' the girl replied. The fire-fighter looked a little closer..
The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's
Testicles.
'Little partner,' the fire-fighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how
To run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
Collar, I think you could go faster.
' The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but
Then I wouldn't have a siren.'
A fire-fighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides,
And a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a fire-fighters helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The fire-fighter walked over to take a closer look. ‘That
Sure is a nice fire truck,' the fire-fighter said with admiration.'
Thanks,' the girl replied. The fire-fighter looked a little closer..
The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's
Testicles.
'Little partner,' the fire-fighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how
To run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
Collar, I think you could go faster.
' The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but
Then I wouldn't have a siren.'
Sky
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- Trevor
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A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little touch here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished . . . naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
"Did you dance much ?" "You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening, but you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to."
He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little touch here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished . . . naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
"Did you dance much ?" "You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening, but you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to."
Sky
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- Trevor
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A Cockney man on his death bed requested his wife, 3 sons, his nurse and a camera to be set up to record his final moments. Which were as follows... "To my son David, I leave the 2 blocks of flats in the East end of London," "To my other son Michael, I leave the 4 penthouse's in Chelsea," "and finally to my eldest son Kevin, I leave the big glass building near Tower Bridge".
With that he slipped away. The nurse turned to the wife and said "I never realised your husband was so wealthy, you and your sons are very lucky" His wife swiftly replied "Was he b******s! He was a "Feckin window cleaner!"
With that he slipped away. The nurse turned to the wife and said "I never realised your husband was so wealthy, you and your sons are very lucky" His wife swiftly replied "Was he b******s! He was a "Feckin window cleaner!"
G.K.Jnr.
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On the first day of school, the teacher asked a student, "What are your parents' names?" The student replied, "My father's name is Laughing and my mother's name is Smiling." The teacher said, "Are you kidding?" The student said, "No, Kidding is my brother. I am Joking."
JohnC6
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A spectator at the Tokyo Olympics saw an athlete walking towards him carrying a length of tube that was twice his height so as they passed each other he said.. "Are you a pole vaulter ?". The athlete replied. "Nein, I am German but how do you know my name is Walter ?"
