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The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )
- Thread starter Cobra
- Start date
An army Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"
A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50%-50%.
A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the private who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion?
Without any hesitation, the private responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.
The colonel was surprised asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"
A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50%-50%.
A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the private who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion?
Without any hesitation, the private responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.
The colonel was surprised asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
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kennethwfd
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A Jehovah's Witnesses knocked on my door yesterday, so I answered it and asked if he wanted to come in he said, "Yeah, okay."
I said I'm just making a cup of tea do you want one? He said, "Yeah, sure."
I said I've just made some toast do you want a slice? He said, "Yeah, why not."
Then we sat down and I asked him, "So what now?" He said, "I don't know I've never got this far before!"
I said I'm just making a cup of tea do you want one? He said, "Yeah, sure."
I said I've just made some toast do you want a slice? He said, "Yeah, why not."
Then we sat down and I asked him, "So what now?" He said, "I don't know I've never got this far before!"
kennethwfd
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not as bad as...
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scottishguy
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camerassassin
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kennethwfd
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A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work.
Her nine year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard.
Then the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a golf ball.'
Man: 'That's nice.'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '£250'
Man: ‘OK, sold’
A few weeks later, exactly the same thing happens and the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a sand wedge’.
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy: '£750'
Man: 'Sold'
A few days later the boy’s father says to the boy, 'Grab your sand wedge and golf ball, let's go outside and have some short game practice.
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and sand wedge.'
Father: 'What? How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '£1,000.'
Father: 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to Church and make you confess.'
They go to the Church, and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The Priest says, 'Don't start that with me again. You're in my cupboard now.'
Her nine year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard.
Then the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a golf ball.'
Man: 'That's nice.'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '£250'
Man: ‘OK, sold’
A few weeks later, exactly the same thing happens and the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a sand wedge’.
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy: '£750'
Man: 'Sold'
A few days later the boy’s father says to the boy, 'Grab your sand wedge and golf ball, let's go outside and have some short game practice.
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and sand wedge.'
Father: 'What? How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '£1,000.'
Father: 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to Church and make you confess.'
They go to the Church, and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The Priest says, 'Don't start that with me again. You're in my cupboard now.'
Sky
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A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo, she took the seat right beside him!
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business". "I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention held in the United States".
He swallowed hard ... here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and quiet. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."...........................
................Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business". "I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention held in the United States".
He swallowed hard ... here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and quiet. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."...........................
................Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
kennethwfd
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likewise a married man should forget his mistakes
No point in two people remembering the same things
