*** >>> The Official TP Joke thread. Put your jokes in here please <<< ***

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A young lad is totally into tractors. He subscribes to the latest magazines, he know the latest models etc. One day however, he sees a tractor kill a dog and he becomes less and less interested in tractors because every time he thinks of them he is reminded of the poor dog.

10 years pass and the lad (now a young man) walks into a bar with his girlfriend.

Girlfriend : God I hate it when its so smoky in these places?

The lad takes a deep breath and much to his girlfriends amazement he then proceeds to breathe in all the smoke in the bar.

Girlfriend : Wow, how did you do that??

Young Man : Didn't you know that I'm an ex-tractor fan!!
 
Just a quick note to the driver of the 09 silver BMW, reg F2 ACE:

'You might remember pinching my parking spot in Tesco car park and grinning,
whilst your son made "w**ker" signs at me through the passenger window.

Well, if you're wondering where your wing mirrors are, try the canal.'


.
 
A man had two of the best seats at the FA Cup final.
As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting
in the seat next to him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty.

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have
a Seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the
year,and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed
to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we
haven't been together since we got married."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't
find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the
seat?"
The man shakes his head.



"No. They're all at the funeral.."
 
My girlfriend said I should let my feminine side show a bit more often. So I
reversed the car into a bus stop, shouted at her for no reason, spent two hours
in the bathroom - coming out looking exactly the same as I did when I went in
and checked her entire text inbox.

She wasn't amused.
 
:lol:@ RobW
 
Matt Sayle said:
My wife has just left me, taking my satellite dish and Bob Marley collection.
No woman, no Sky.
Click to expand...

Not bad Matt not bad :thumbs:


Rob_W said:
My girlfriend said I should let my feminine side show a bit more often. So I
reversed the car into a bus stop, shouted at her for no reason, spent two hours
in the bathroom - coming out looking exactly the same as I did when I went in
and checked her entire text inbox.

She wasn't amused.
Click to expand...

:lol:
 
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings, and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: 'Hello'
WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?
MAN: 'Yes'
WOMAN: 'I am at the shopping centre now and found this
beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'
MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'
WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2009 Models. I saw one I really liked.'
MAN: 'How much?'
WOMAN: '£90,000'
MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'
WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000.'
MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price.'
WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'
MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths open.

He turns and asks: 'Does anyone knows who this phone belongs to?'
 
I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realised I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
 
kelack said:
I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realised I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
Click to expand...

:lol::lol::lol:
 
While stitching up the hand of a 75 year old Devon farmer, who cut it on a gate while working cattle, the rural doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Gordon Brown and his appointment as Prime Minister.

”Well, you know, drawled the old farmer, this Brown fellow is what we in Devon call a fencepost tortoise.”

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a fencepost tortoise was.

The old farmer said, “When you’re driving along a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's called a fencepost tortoise.”

The old farmer saw a puzzled look on the doctor’s face, so he continued to explain: “You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he definitely doesn’t belong up there, he doesn’t know what to do while he is up there, and you just have to wonder what kind of idiot put him up there in the first place.”
 
Fat bird stood up on a table in the pub last night and shouted,
'If any bloke in here can guess my weight you can sh*g me'.

My mate shouts back ''About 93 stone, you fat ulgy cow!'

She replied,'Thats close enough, you lucky b*stard!'

.
 
Apologies if this has been posted before and I eally do apologise for the poor joke :bonk:


Two fire-fighters are going hard at it in a smoke filled room. The fire chief walks in and says "What the hell is going on in here?!" The fire-fighter says "Well sir, this man has got smoke inhalation." The Chief says "Why the hell didn't you give him mouth to mouth then!?" The fire-fighter says "How do you think this ****** got started?"
 
After having a nice 69 with his wife, Ian remembered he had an appointment at the dentist. He was afraid the dentist might smell his minge breath so he brushed his teeth, used dental floss, gargled a bottle of listerine and ate a packet of extra strong mints.
Arriving at the dentist feeling confident and relaxed he sits down and opens his mouth. The dentist gets close and asks "Did you have a 69 before you came here?" Ian says "How did you know?, does my breath smell of fanny?" The dentist replies "No, you have a skidmark on your forehead".
 
two groaners Matt :thumbs:
 
Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
They don t have balls to scratch.

**********************************************

A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her muff.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they&#8217;d close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife&#8217;s room.

After a few minutes the woman&#8217;s monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room. The husband was standing there, pulling up his pants, and said, "I think she choked."

*************************************************

And finally, a quote...
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle.

Then I realized that the Lord doesn&#8217;t work that way, so I stole one and asked for forgiveness.

-Emo Philips, comedian (1956- )
 
A burglar breaks into a home and as soon as he walks in he hears, "Jesus is watching you." He looks around, and sees nothing. He walks towards the VCR and again he hears, "Jesus is watching you." He looks up and down and around, and still sees nothing. He begins to unhook the VCR and again hears, "Jesus is watching you."! He looks in the corner and sees a parrot in a cage, and asks the parrot, "Was that you who said that?"
The parrot replies, "Yes"
The burglar asked "What&#8217;s your name ?" "Moses."
"What kind of idiot would name a parrot Moses ?"
"The same idiot who would name a Doberman "Jesus&#8217;."
 
(From another photographic forum today)


A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona
when her car broke down.

An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride
to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. the ride was
uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out =
Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills..

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station,
yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the
service-station attendant. 'Nothing,' the woman answered.

'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist,
and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.'
'Lady,' the attendant said,...
.
.
.
.
.
.
. 'Indians don't use saddles'
 
Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break
in their new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and
only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is
going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're
selling'.

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious
Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick
Japanese accent asked:
'What you sell?'
One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arse-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said:
'You doing velly well, only two left'.
 
Rob_W said:
Of course, if it's the other way around and she comes home and finds you
wearing one of her frocks, things don't run quite so smoothly.
Click to expand...

:lol:
 
Little Johnny and Mary are at school in an English lesson,

"Can any body here say a sentance with the word contagious in it?" the teacher asks...

Johnny waves his hand in the air the says "my mum said not to play out with Peter as he has Measels and that they are contagious and I may catch them"

"Well done Johnny, anybody else?" says the teacher.

Mary stands up and proudly shouts "Me and my dad were in the front gaden when Mr Jones next door had a lorry load of horse manure delivered on the drive and my daddy said it will take that contagious to shift that lot"

The teacher did not know what to say....;)
 
:D:D:D
 
I had to post this one it could be the funniest joke I have ever read :lol:

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man was walking through the countryside and was feeling a little parched. He saw a farmhouse ahead of him and wandered in to see if he could find a tap to drink from.

As he wandered into the yard he saw a Well and walked over to help himself to a drink, he wound the bucket down the Well and then wound it back anticipating nice cool fresh water but was rather disappointed to see there was no water in the bucket at all it was totally dry?!?!

He looked around and saw a small pebble and retrieved it and dropped it down into the well and listened for the sound of it hitting the water below... Nothing.
He had another scout round the yard and found a half house brick and dropped that down the well and listened out once again for a splash ... still nothing...
He then noticed a large millstone resting against a wall and rolled it over to the well, he struggled but managed to raise the millstone with a lot of effort up and on to the top of the well and heaved it over....

Just as a goat that was grazing on the other side of the yard noticed him and charged towards him at a high rate of knots, the man dived sideways to avoid getting butted by the extremely annoyed goat, and the goat flew up and through the air and missed it&#8217;s intended target and unfortunately went straight down the well!!!!

As the man struggled to regain his composure a farmer strolled around the corner and went up to the poor fellow, put his arm around his shoulders and asked him if he was okay? as he looked rather flustered. The fellow told the farmer that he just wanted a drink from his Well and he was charged by a very aggressive Goat! The fellow asked the farmer if it was the farmers Goat, to which the farmer commented "No, it couldn't have been my goat as mine was tied to a great big millstone."
 
Went to see one of those shows today with a famous medium.

She looked right at me and said "Does the name Albert mean anything to you, my luv?"

I said "F*** me, that's my grandad's name!"

She said "I think I can contact him, my luv".

I said "So can I, he's sitting next to me!"


.
 
'Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?' asked the Irishman, walking up to
the counter.

The assistant looked at him and asked: 'Are you Irish?'

'If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was
Italian?' demanded the Irishman indignantly. 'Or, if I asked for German
Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?'

Then, warming to his theme, he went on:

'Or if I asked you for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?'
'Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would
Ya? Would Ya?'

The assistant said: 'Well, no.'

Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a
gear. 'And if I asked you for frog's legs, would you ask me if I was
French?'
'What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?'

'Well no, I probably wouldn't' conceded the assistant.

So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says: 'Well, all
right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish
sausages?'
The assistant replied: 'Because you're in Homebase'
 
Ah yes the old ones are the best :D


A baby polar bear asks his mother if he is 100% polar bear. "Of course you are, I am 100% polar bear,
your father is 100% polar bear, so you are 100% polar bear."
Still not assured, the baby polar bear asks his father. "Of course you're 100% polar bear.
My mother and father were 100% polar bear and your mother's parents were 100% polar bear so that makes you 100% polar bear."

"Why do you wonder if you're 100% polar bear?"
To which the little bear replied












"Cause I'm freezing my ****ing ass off, that's why!!
 
*Husband Store*

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.



PLEASE NOTE:

*Wife's Store*

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
 
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