*** >>> The Official TP Joke thread. Put your jokes in here please <<< ***

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A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the
bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears..
'Promise me you won't tell me.'

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny'
speech.

At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.

If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really shag, I'll have
nothing left to live for.'
 
Wait for stupid joke -->

Why did the plane crash?

Because the pilot was an orange.

...

Don't cut me down just yet, its stupid, and immature, but every time I hear it, I re tell it in my head and it's guaranteed to make me laugh. I can't explain it!
 
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents..
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had s ex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and s e x.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'











The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'
 
And then the fight started...

1) My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
2) My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,
"Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
3) Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
4) I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then that leaves me six guesses, which one are you?"

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
5) My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
6) When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
7) After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too."

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife, "who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
9) I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
10) A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started......
 
The Pope was having a shower, and although he is very strict about the rules of celibacy, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right wrist and this was one of those occasions. Just as he reached the Papal Climax, he saw a paparazzi photographer capturing the moment the Holy Seed flew through the air.

"Hold on a minute!" Screamed the Pope, "You can't publish that photograph; you'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church."

"This photograph is my lottery win," replied the photographer, "I'll be financially secure for life."

So, the Pope offered to buy the camera and film from the photographer, and after lots of negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of two million Euros.

The Pope dried himself off and headed off with his new camera.

He met his housekeeper, who spotted the camera.

"That looks like a really good camera," She said, "How much did it cost you?"

"Two million Euros," Replied the Pope.

"Two million Euros!" shrieked the housekeeper, "They must have seen you coming!
 
How to give a cat a pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call friend from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get friend to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get friend to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to friend's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbours shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the f*****g cat from across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little *******'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get friend to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
 
Bill Roberts said:
How to give a cat a pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call friend from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get friend to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get friend to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to friend's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbours shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the f*****g cat from across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little *******'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get friend to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
Click to expand...

:D love it :thumbs:
 
Bill Roberts said:
How to give a cat a pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call friend from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get friend to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get friend to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to friend's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbours shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the f*****g cat from across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little *******'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get friend to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
Click to expand...

I love this one every time I read it :clap::clap:
 
Two gays, Rupert and Cecil, are lying in bed together. Rupert starts rubbing Vaseline onto his chest. Cecil says,

"What are you doing ?" Rupert replies,

"I read in a gay magazine that Vaseline stimulates
hair growth and I want a hairy chest." Cecil says to him,

"Don't be so ********* stupid. If it was true I'd
have a ponytail sticking out of my arse."
 
STUD ROOSTER
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
'OK old fart, Time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says,
'Beat it: You are washed up
And I am taking over..'
The old rooster says,
'I tell you what, young stud.
I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'
The young rooster laughs.
'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair,
I will give you a head start.'
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.
They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast!
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
When he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squawking
And running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM -
He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
'Dammit..... .
Third gay rooster I bought this month.'
Moral of this
Story? ....
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS -
Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery
Always overcome youth and arrogance!
OLD DUDES RULE !!!!!
 
An elderly, white-haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.

He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
&#12288;
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring. The
old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000," he said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By
cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque clears so I'll write it now,
and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll
pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said..
&#12288;
On Monday morning, the jeweller 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's
no money in that account."
&#12288;
"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"
All Seniors Aren't Senile
 
> Question:
> What is the truest definition of Globalization?
> Answer:
> Princess
> Diana's
> death.
>
> Question:
> How come?
>
> Answer :
>
> An
> English princess
> with an
> Egyptian boyfriend
> crashes
> in a French tunnel,
> driving a
> German
> car
> with a
> Dutch engine,
> driven
> by a Belgian
> who was
> drunk
> on
> Scottish whisky,
> (check the bottle before you
> change the spelling),
> followed
> closely by
> Italian
> Paparazzi,
> on
> Japanese motorcycles;
> treated
> by an American doctor,
> using
> Brazilian
> medicines.
> This is
> sent to you by
> a
> Canadian,
> using
> American
> Bill Gates&#8217; technology,
> and
> you're probably reading
> this on your computer,
> that
> uses Taiwanese chips,
> and
> a
> Korean
> monitor,
> assembled
> by
> Bangladeshi
> workers
> in a
> Singapore plant,
> transported
> by Indian
> truck drivers,
> hijacked
> by Indonesians,
> unloaded by
> Sicilian longshoremen,
> and
> trucked to you by Mexican illegals....
> .
> ..
>
> That, my friends,
> is Globalization !
 
Courses for Women

Women think they already know everything, but wait,................................. training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait until After The Game

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet too.

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First

8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking (Should have been skills course 1)

9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

12. Introduction to Parking

13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

19. PMT: Your Problem . .. . Not His

20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To

21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have

22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together

24. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both (not just tissues and air fresheners)

25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

26. Getting ready to go out: How not to start the day before.
 
EURO ENGLISH


The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy.
Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by " v".
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas
 
Selling biscuits for 49p - that's Asda price
Selling cheap plastic fire engines - that's Fisher Price
Selling pathetic rape stories to The Sun - that's Katie Price
 
Matt Sayle said:
Selling biscuits for 49p - that's Asda price
Selling cheap plastic fire engines - that's Fisher Price
Selling pathetic rape stories to The Sun - that's Katie Price
Click to expand...

:thumbs:
 
So, is it too soon to ask Whoopi Goldberg if she's heard from Patrick Swayze yet? :thinking:
 
Last edited:
Matt Sayle said:
Selling biscuits for 49p - that's Asda price
Selling cheap plastic fire engines - that's Fisher Price
Selling pathetic rape stories to The Sun - that's Katie Price
Click to expand...
:D


RVF said:
So, is it too soon to ask Whoopi Goldberg if she's heard from Patrick Swayze yet? :thinking:
Click to expand...

:lol::lol::lol:
 
An important gynaecologist once said,


"The best engine in the world is the vagina.
It can be started with one finger.
It is self-lubricating.
It takes any size piston.
And it changes its own oil every four weeks.
It is only a pity that the management system is so f***ing temperamental."
 
One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."
 
Sorry if it's already been posted.



A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

The wife is furious. She yells at him, "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . ."

The man sighs and says, "It's started . . "
 
Last edited:
A man and a woman who had never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower.

In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m awfully cold and was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?”

The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye says “I have a better idea, just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married!”

The man says happily, “Sure. That sounds great!”

The woman says, “Good… get your own ****ing blanket!”
 
If they were married she would steal HIS blanket, then kick it off in the middle of the night, and then wake up in the morning whining that the central heating should be left on overnight because she's cold.

Or is it just me?
 
sorry if its been said before :)

Prison vs work:

Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make things a bit
clearer.

IN PRISON.. you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behaviour.

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for
yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside
bars.

IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers.
 
I was walking down the street today, and a young mum said to her child "If you're good, I'll buy you some sweets"

I said to her "I wish I was your son"

She laughed and said "Why, do you want some sweets?"

I replied "No, I want to suck your t*ts"


.
 
Rob_W said:
I was walking down the street today, and a young mum said to her child "If you're good, I'll buy you some sweets"

I said to her "I wish I was your son"

She laughed and said "Why, do you want some sweets?"

I replied "No, I want to suck your t*ts"


.
Click to expand...


:D

Rob_W said:
Peter Andre has said that life with Jordan was a constant battle.

He said "She always got really irritable whenever her vibrator ran out of diesel."
Click to expand...

OUCH :D
 
5,000 men were asked to complete a survey on what they liked best about 'Oral Sex':

a.. 3% liked the warmth.

b.. 4% enjoyed the sensation.

c.. 93% appreciated the silence.
 
The
Four Cats




Four
men were bragging about how smart their cats
were.


The first man was an
Engineer,


the
second man was an Accountant,


the
third man was a Chemist, and


the
fourth man was a Government
Employee.


To show off, the Engineer
called his cat, "T-square, do your
stuff."


T-square pranced over to the
desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly
drew a circle, a square, and a
triangle.


Everyone
agreed that was pretty smart.


But the
Accountant said his cat could do better. He
called his cat and said,


"Spreadsheet,
do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out to
the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies.
He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.


Everyone agreed that was
good.


But
the Chemist said his cat could do better. He
called his cat and said, "Measure, do your
stuff."

Measure got up, walked to the
fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce
glass from the cupboard and
poured

exactly 8 ounces without spilling
a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed
that was pretty good.


Then
the three men turned to the Government Employee
and said, "What can your cat
do?"


The
Government Employee called his cat and said,
"Coffee Break, do your
stuff."


Coffee
Break jumped to his
feet.......





ate
the cookies........



drank
the milk.......



*****
on the paper.......






screwed
the other three cats.......


claimed
he injured his back while doing
so.......



filed
a grievance report for unsafe working
conditions.......



put
in for Workers
Compensation...............and

went home
for the rest of the day on sick
leave............










AND
THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK
FOR THE
GOVERNMENT!!
 
The scene is Bishopbriggs Primary School , Glasgow. Teacher: 'Good morning
children, today is Thursday, so we're going to have a general knowledge
quiz.



The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not
come back to school until Tuesday.'



Wee Murray thinks, 'Ya beauty! I'm pure dead brilliant at general
knowledge, so I am. This is goannae be a doddle!'



Teacher: ' Right class, who can tell me who said. ' Don't ask what our
country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'

Wee Murray shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air.

Teacher looking round picks Farqhuar Fauntleroy at the front.

'Yes, Farqhuar?' Farqhuar (in a very English accent): ' Yes miss, the
answer is J F Kennedy - inauguration speech 1960.'

Teacher: 'Very good Farqhuar. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we
will see you back in class on Tuesday.'



The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Murray is even more determined.

Teacher: 'Who said 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them
in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never
surrender?' Wee Murray 's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board,
shouting 'I know, I know. Pick me Miss, pick me Miss'.

Teacher looking round and picks Tarquin Smythe, sitting at the front: 'Yes
Tarquin.'

Tarquin (in a very, very posh English accent): 'Yes miss, the answer is
Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech.'

Teacher: 'Very good Tarquin, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come
back to class on Tuesday.'



The following Thursday comes around and Wee Murray is hyper; he's been
studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes.

He's coiled in his chair, dribbling in anticipation.

Teacher: 'Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for
mankind?'

Wee Murray 's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat,
jumping up and down screaming 'Pick me miss. Pick me miss. I know, I know.
Me Miss, me miss, meeeeee'.

Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front.

'Yes, Rupert?' Rupert (in a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy
English accent):

'Miss, that was Neil Armstrong, 1969, the first moon landing.'

Teacher: 'Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come
back into class on Tuesday.'



Wee Murray loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his chair
at the wall. He starts screaming: 'WHERE THE **** DID ALL THESE ENGLISH
******** COME FROM?'

Teacher spins back round from the blackboard and shouts: 'Who said that?'
Wee Murray grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, 'Robert the
Bruce, Bannockburn , 1314. See ye on Tuesday Miss!'
 
dod said:
Teacher spins back round from the blackboard and shouts: 'Who said that?'
Wee Murray grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, 'Robert the
Bruce, Bannockburn , 1314. See ye on Tuesday Miss!'
Click to expand...

:D
 
There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.

A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half.

The emperor exclaimed, “That is very impressive!“The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces.

The emperor exclaimed, “That is very impressive!”

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, “Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?”

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, “Circumcision is not meant to kill.”
 
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic
name For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of
Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call
Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.


The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After
careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently
announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix,
and of course, Ibepokin.




Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to
literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call
this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of
"cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink".
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.




Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast
implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means
that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky
boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do
with them.
 
Two birds sitting on a perch..

One turns to the other and says...

Can you smell fish?


Geo..:)
 
OK while we are down to kiddie level

Two nuns in the bath
one says "where's the soap"
the other says "Yep it sure does"

two nuns in the dark
one says "where's the candle"
the other says "Yep it sure does"
 
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