*** >>> The Official TP Joke thread. Put your jokes in here please <<< ***

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A bath SO HOT, it makes you go:

"Ooh ooh ooh, ahh ahh ahh.... :D

Geo..:)
 
Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal,
'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why she would ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks:
'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,

'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...'
 
Mary had a little skirt
With splits right up the sides.
And whenever Mary wore that skirt
The blokes could see her thighs.

Mary had another skirt
With a split right up the front.


She doesn't wear that one any more.
 
LOL
 
An Apple with a prostitute, do you end up with a computer that wont go down on you? :shrug:
 
u8myufo said:
An Apple with a prostitute, do you end up with a computer that wont go down on you? :shrug:
Click to expand...

Now that was hardly a PC comment :D
 
Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, Carolyn, that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.

Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, 'Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live maybe we could make love again?'

Carolyn agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left.

He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said,
'Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.'

She agreed, and then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 'Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?'

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,

'Listen Barry, I'm not being funny....





...but I have to get up in the morning and you don't.'
 
A primary two school teacher had twenty-six students in her class.
She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
It's hard to believe these were actually done by P2's. Their insight may surprise you.
While reading, keep in mind that these are 6-year-old P2's, because the last one is a classic!

1. Don't change horses ......................until they stop running.
2. Strike while the ................................... bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before ..................Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of ........................termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but ............................How?
6. Don't bite the hand that .............................looks dirty.
7. No news is .............................................impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a ....................................... Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new ............................. Maths
10. If you lie down with dogs,.......... you'll stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust ............................................. Me.
12. The pen is mightier than the .............................. pigs.
13. An idle mind is .......................... the best way to relax.
14.. Where there's smoke there's .......................... pollution.
15. Happy the bride who ....................... gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is ....................................... not much.
17. Two's company, three's ........................... the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what .............. you put on to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and .............. You have to blow your nose.
20.. There are none so blind as ...................... Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not ............. spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed ................ get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you ............ see in the picture on the box
24.. When the blind lead the blind ............... get out of the way.
25. A bird in the hand is ...................... going to poop on you.

And the WINNER and last one!

26. Better late than........................................ Pregnant.
 
Ed Zachary disease

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek medical advice from the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said "OK, take off all your crose."

The woman did as she was told. "Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room."

Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr Chang then said "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."

As she did Dr Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You have Ed Zachary disease. Wurse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

The woman asked anxiously "Oh my God, Dr Chang what is Ed Zachary disease?"

Dr Chang sighed deeply and replied………………………………………………….

"Ed Zachary disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse."
 
When I get home I'm going to rip the wifes knickers off ............they are killing me.
 
Woman: Can I have a 1lb of kiddleys?

Butcher: Dont you mean kidneys?

Woman: Thats what I said diddle I?
 
I've just heard Micheal Jacksons new film has been given a PG rating.


He's dead and they still don't trust him with kids. :gag:
 
foggy4ever said:
I've just heard Micheal Jacksons new film has been given a PG rating.


He's dead and they still don't trust him with kids. :gag:
Click to expand...

Cruel...................................................








but understandable :D
 
One of my all time fav Max Wall jokes.



"Dad, dad, there's a man at the door with a bald head"

" Tell him to **** off i've already got one.
 
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was
to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off
now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been
expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you
know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and
me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be
in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with
that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider
their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a
good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith , her eyes wide with amazement..

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had
to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your
uh...equipment? '

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted.

:wave:
 
Was watching the BBC news at lunchtime today and the poor woman doing the sign language gave up trying to say "Cockermouth" after the third attempt.
 
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Sister, please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.' The nun agreed.

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, 'Sister have you seen a soldier?'

The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Afghanistan.'

The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Afghanistan either.'
 
Three blondes walked into a bar..
.
.
.
.
. you'd think one of them would have seen it !
 
.
Bumper Sticker seen in Glasgow
.
.
.
.
"CAUTION - blonde thinking"
 
What's the difference between a golf ball and a car?


Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball 400 yards........
 
Flash In The Pan said:
What's the difference between a golf ball and a car?


Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball 400 yards........
Click to expand...

Oh he's quick off the mark that Flash
in fact quick as a flash :thumbs:
 
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL MATCH WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

'HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.'

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
'FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'POWERGEN' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!'

'FINE!'

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
'WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT'

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
'FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'FRIDGIDAIRE'
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!'

'FINE!' SHE SAYS
'THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK'

'I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS', HE SAYS, 'DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'TAYLOR WOODROW' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS, I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!'

SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, 'HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?'
SHE SAID, 'WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.'

HE SAID,
'SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?'

SHE REPLIED, 'HELLOOOOO.., DO YOU SEE 'MR KIPLING' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!'
 
I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink and broke my leg



:coat:
 
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mum' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mum."

The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to £121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said
You'd be paying for her things, too."

Bet you thought this was going to be a tear jerker. Don't trust Little Old Ladies!!!
 
A friend of mine sitting at a bar in New York City
and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes.
The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch?
What's so special about it?" my friend explains, "It uses
alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken
because I am wearing panties!''
The guy smiles, taps his watch and says,
"Bloody things running about an hour fast, - can I buy you a drink?
 
5 Minute Management Course.

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'


After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.


The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'



Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders, in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.



Lesson 2:


A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg..

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily
and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.



Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone..

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pine Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after
lunch.'


Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4


An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing..

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.




Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree..

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story:
Bull ****** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..



Lesson 6


A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.


Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh**s on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of ****** is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep ******, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!


THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
Send this to at least five bright, funny people you know and make their day!
 
I hear that Snow White has been sacked from Disney Land

Apparently she got caught sitting on Pinocchio's face shouting "lie, tell the truth, lie, tell the truth, lie......"
 
Keith W said:
I hear that Snow White has been sacked from Disney Land

Apparently she got caught sitting on Pinocchio's face shouting "lie, tell the truth, lie, tell the truth, lie......"
Click to expand...

:lol: Not heard that one before :thumbs:
 
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his
zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant
walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left
your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss
told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked
into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly
was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his
assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to
ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my
Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was
an old mini van with two flat tires.'
 
Think I've just upset the wife. She said if you're having "problems" why don't we ask the doctor if viagra can help.

I said "Why, will it make you look more attractive?"

Guess that'll be one less present to open this year.
 
Dave_Taylor said:
Think I've just upset the wife. She said if you're having "problems" why don't we ask the doctor if viagra can help.

I said "Why, will it make you look more attractive?"

Guess that'll be one less present to open this year.
Click to expand...

:D
 
Seen on the BBC site while browsing from a story that was posted on the board...

_46939366_poster466afp.jpg
 
Nod said:
Seen on the BBC site while browsing from a story that was posted on the board...
Click to expand...

:lol::lol::lol:

Closely followed by this I guess :D

itsaboy.jpg
 
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