*** >>> The Official TP Joke thread. Put your jokes in here please <<< ***

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There was this gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up.

Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".

Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number.
The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time".

As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex". The buddy replied,
"No, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week."
 
A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman
with three small children running around at her feet.

'I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the
product?'

She said, 'Yes, my husband and I use it all the time.'

'If you don't mind my asking,' he said, 'what do you use it
for?'

'We use it for sex,' she said.

The researcher was a little taken aback. 'Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain
or to help with a gate hinge. But in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty.
Since you've been so frank so far,
can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?'

The woman said, 'I don't mind telling you at all.
My husband and I put it on the bedroom door knob and it keeps the kids out.
 
:lol: love it
 
The credit crunch is worse than I thought.
I just got a letter from Readers Digest saying I had not been included in this months prize draw.

BT has just announced they are cutting a further 15,000 posts. . . . So how are those wires gonna stay up?
 
A photographer up t'hi street advertised that he could retouch photographs.
So in walks this woman with a picture of 'er departed husband.
I'd like this 'eer photo retouched, and while yer at it remove his 'at. I nivver did like that 'at.
Aye said t'photographer chap. Now just before you go missus I must know which side he parted his hair.
E by gum lad, you must think I am reight daft, you'll find that out when you take his 'at off.
 
Dating in 1960

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960, and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.

He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she
Welcomed Fred in.

'Have a seat in the living room.
Would you like something to drink?
Lemonade? Iced tea?'

'Iced tea, please,' Fred said.
Mom brought the iced tea.

'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?'
She asked.

'Oh, probably catch a movie,
And then maybe grab a bite to eat at
The malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach...'

'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mom informed him.

'Really?' Fred replied; eyebrows rose.

'Oh yes,' the mother continued,
'When she goes out with her friends,
that's all they do!'

'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.
'Yes,' said the mother.
'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'

'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began
Thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs
Looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and
A hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back
In a bouncy ponytail.
She greeted Fred.

'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue
Burst into the house and slammed the
Front door behind her.

'The Twist, Mom!' she angrily yelled to
Her mother in the kitchen.

'The ****ing dance is called the Twist!'
 
A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give to the man.

"No way!, no needles!, I hate needles!", the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

"I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me".

The dentist then asks if the man has an objection to taking the pill.

"No", the patient says, "I am fine with pills".

The dentist returns and says, "Here is a Viagra tablet".

The patient says, "Wow, I didn't know that Viagra worked as a pain pill?".

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "It will give you something to hold on to when I pull out your tooth".
 
:D
 
Bilbo Baggins of the Shire died in bed last night after an overdose of Viagra.
I guess old Hobbits die hard.


Apparently, the HIV virus is fragile outside the body, and can be killed by
household detergents such as Fairy Liquid.
Ironic really, as it was 'fairy liquid' that caused the epidemic in the first place.


I got sacked from my job at the beauty salon earlier.
I don't understand: all I did was give her a 'facial'...


Ten words , two commas, a punctuation mark and a full stop all appeared in
court yesterday.......... they're due to be sentenced next week!


.
 
Tut, Tut, Tut & Tut :D
 
A man died and went to Heaven.

As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind St Peter. He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock move.'

'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that?' 'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'

'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's Gordon Brown's clock?' asked the man.
'Brown's clock is in Jesus's office. *He's using it as a ceiling fan.'*
 
Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini van when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy,whip me,whip me!"
Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy.
About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"
Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy [let alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her] eventually admits that, yes, she did.
Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen".
 
You will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95- year-old grandmother to comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.' Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. 'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny.
'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.
Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.' She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued...
'He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along.'
 
This is ( could be very) serious :(


2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates
parts of Asia

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates
Australian racing

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of
pigs around the globe.

It gets worse........

next year......

2010 - Chinese year of the Cock ..............................what ever next :shrug:
 
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had j ust opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
OK, ' she said.. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea....'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****?
 
God created man, stepped back and said "perfect!"
He then created woman, stepped back, had a long look and said "**** me! this'll have to wear make up!"
 
dod said:
God created man, stepped back and said "perfect!"
He then created woman, stepped back, had a long look and said "**** me! this'll have to wear make up!"
Click to expand...

:lol::lol::lol:
 
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed.. 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos =MIDNIGHT!)
T he next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him ' MIDNIGHT'... He didn't seem angry in the least.. Whew, I got away with that one!
Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh ####.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
 
There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny :lol:


The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted.
 
A woman takes a lover home during the day
while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, he sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing
that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball.'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the closet together.

Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time,
asks the boy, How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold.'

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy , 'Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch.'
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'

The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '$1,000'

The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that
is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to
confession.'

They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the
confessional booth and closes the door..

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that crap again; you're in my closet now.'
 
edownload_600_x_480_.jpg
 
A new landlord starts his first day in a pub, and over the bar is a glass case with a dogs tail in it.
He asks the staff "whats with the tail in the case!", the barman says that the dog was loved by all the customers, but had got run over by a car.
In remembrance they decided to keep his tail as a reminder of how much he was loved.
So the days trading comes to an end, and after calling time and getting rid of the last of the customers, he started to lock up.
Suddenly there was a faint knock at the door, and the landlord opened it up, and there was the ghost of the dog.
He asked "Can i have my tail back" "NO" said the landlord " I CANNOT RETAIL SPIRITS AT THIS TIME OF THE NIGHT"


Snow White is walking through the forest one day, and in the distance she sees smoke rising.
So she hurries along as she thinks it may be the cottage on fire, and it was.

Suddenly she heard a voice saying " England to win the next football World Cup", she thought "well at least dopey is still alive".
 
Real Madrid are feeling a little peeved. They've just discovered they could have bought a big girls blouse from Primark for £4
 
Nick griffin, leader of the BNP is said to be outraged by the recent egg attack.
He is furious as they didn't seperate the whites
 
Matt Sayle said:
Nick griffin, leader of the BNP is said to be outraged by the recent egg attack.
He is furious as they didn't separate the whites
Click to expand...

The yolk was well and truly on him then :shrug:
A tad naughty Matt But :lol::lol::lol:
 
A lot of men have nicknames for their penis'....Mine was recently given one by a girl whilst she was giving me head...
She named it "The Impaler".
Or at least thats what I thought she said..
Turns out she's asthmatic,and it's my fault she's dead.
 
It's approaching lambing season and after a few years of poor results a farmer consults his vet for advice. The farmer insists he needs to use artificial insemination to solve his problem. Confused, but not wanting to appear stupid the farmer nods along, and asks "how will i know if it works?"
"when the sheep are all lying down" replies the vet ...

After sleeping on it the farmer decides the vet must mean that he has to shag the sheep himself. The farmer loads the sheep into his lorry, takes them to the woods and shags them all. He goes to bed and awakes to see all the sheep still stood up.

He rounds the sheep up again, puts them in the lorry and heads for the woods. This time he shags them all twice for good measure, loads them back in the truck, heads home and goes to bed. He awakes the next day, looks out of the window only to see all the sheep still stood up.

Disheartened, but not beaten, he rounds the sheep up, puts them in the lorry and drives to the woods. This time he shags all the sheep all day long and drives back to the farm, exhausted he slumps to bed. The next morning, too tired to get out of bed he asks the farmers wife to check for him;

"Are the sheep lying down dear?" he asks hopefully

"No" she replies "They're all in the truck and one is honking the horn!"
 
2 welsh farmers were rounding up the sheep when a Ewe goes wild.... runs into a fence and gets her head stuck..
They look at each other.. Pause.. Then one say’s this is too good an opportunity to pass up.
So he unzips his fly and shags the Ewe hard for ten mins....
When finished he asked his buddy if he fancies some of that?
“****ing right I do” he says..
So he frantically pulls down his trousers and sticks his head in the fence
 
A bloke walks into a pub with a ferocious looking pit bull terrier,
orders a drink and then starts to read the newspaper.
The another man approaches him and asks "is the dog a fighter"
yes he is says the first man.

I will bet he cant win my 14" high terrier says the second man....
14 inch high, my pit bull will rip it to bits says the first man

£1000 says it wont second man says

so the scene is set for a dogfight

Second man says "I will have to take your dog outside as mine is funny with strangers"so the first man agrees and reads the newspaper again waiting for his 1k

after about 15 seconds of snarling and yelping from outside the second man comes back with a collar belonging to the pit bull.

who won said the fisrst man "mine" said the second man, my little terrier ripped it to shreds so wheres my £1000

reluctantly the first man paid and looked outside to see his dog in pieces.

What breed is your little terrier he asked and the second man replied

A short legged long bodied, long snout terrier ..........commonly known as a crocodile
 
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