*** >>> The Official TP Joke thread. Put your jokes in here please <<< ***

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Paddy and mick are walking home from the pub one evening when they pass two guys carrying a huge salmon between them.
Paddy says "hey guys where did you get that from?"
The guys reply, "go down the road and when you get to a small bridge one of you hold the others legs and dangle down, when a salmon swims past grab it and job done"
So off they go and when they get to the bridge paddy holds micks legs and lowers him over.
ten minutes pass and paddies arms are tiring so he shouts down "have you got one yet mick? " no replies mick but I'm feeling lucky just ten more mins!"
2 minutes pass and then Mick starts screaming "quick paddy pull me up pull me up"
"have you got one?" paddy screams in excitment!






Mick says" No theres a F*****g train coming!"



A man goes to see the nurse about some problems he has with his vision

She says you are going to have to stop w^*king

Why he replies?





Because I'm trying to examine you!
 
Slipwave said:
A man goes to see the nurse about some problems he has with his vision

She says you are going to have to stop w^*king

Why he replies?


Because I'm trying to examine you!
Click to expand...


:D
 
How do you hurt Lady GaGa?




Poke 'er face

:coat:
 
Jordie said:
How do you hurt Lady GaGa?

Poke 'er face
Click to expand...
Surely that should be 'How do you shut Lady GaGa up?' :p


I hate all this terrorist business.
I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the tube and think,
'I'll f***ing have that!'


I said to my mate"Whats the best thing for a nose bleed?"
He said "a baseball bat will do the trick."


A woman walks into a library and asks for a book on euphemisms.
So the librarian took her up the rear aisle and let her have it.


Went to the cinema last night. Imagime my a disappointment in
finding out The Fast and The Furious it not about w**king
 
Rob_W said:
Went to the cinema last night. Imagime my a disappointment in
finding out The Fast and The Furious it not about w**king
Click to expand...

:D
 
Wife gets naked and asks hubby, "What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

Hubby looks her up and down and replies, "Your sense of humour."
 
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This wife buys a pair of crutchless knickers in an attempt to spice up a dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she crosses her legs &#8230;&#8230;. enough times till her husband says, &#8221;Are you wearing crutchless knickers?&#8221;

&#8220;Yes,&#8221; she answers, seductively.


&#8220;Thank Christ for that. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa.&#8221;
 
Murphy and Paddy go out shooting, as they walk by the foot of a cliff, an hand glider comes over the top, Murphy lets go, BANG.BANG..............What kind of a bird was that asks Paddy............I don,t know says Murphy, but its let go of that bloke...
 
Wife comes home early and catches her hubby having a w**k in the kitchen.
She rushes over and gives him the best blowjob of his life.
Afterwards he asks, "We haven't had sex for six months and suddenly this. Why?"
She answers, "I just washed the floor this morning, I'd rather brush my teeth than clean the f***in' floor again!"
 
Rob_W said:
Wife comes home early and catches her hubby having a w**k in the kitchen.
She rushes over and gives him the best blowjob of his life.
Afterwards he asks, "We haven't had sex for six months and suddenly this. Why?"
She answers, "I just washed the floor this morning, I'd rather brush my teeth than clean the f***in' floor again!"
Click to expand...

Now that is funny :thumbs: not heard it before
 
do you reckon it would work:thinking:
 
lol, prob wouldn't be the wife knowing my luck!!!
 
fletch5 said:
lol, prob wouldn't be the wife knowing my luck!!!
Click to expand...

You have servants :eek:
I still say give it a go you never know your luck :D
 
i wish i had servants!!:lol:
 
A woman as had about all the operations she can get, tucks, liposuction,face lift, boob jobs, the lot, she decides to have one final one, she wants a nip and tuck around her crouch to remove any surplice tissue, this would look better when she wears her thong bikini on holiday.....after the operation the nurse comes to see her, the woman still a little dazed asks the nurse, who are those beautifully flowers from, the nurse reads the cards...this one is from your husband....this one from your friends at work....and this one is from the guy in the burns unit, to say thank you for his new ears. :naughty::naughty:
 
I gave up going to the library to get a book on suicide so I thought I would try Amazon.
Found one that must be good as nobody has reviewed it.

The site was helpful too

Customers who bought this item also bought:
Rope
Paracetamol
Stanley Blades
Gas Ovens
 
A man and his wife are having sex. 15 minutes has passed, 30 minutes, then 45 minutes. Sweat is pouring off both of them.
The wife finally looks up and says, "What's the matter, darling, can't you think of anyone else, either?"
 
A well to do lady goes to her doctor for her annual check up, the doctor says " I have some rather disturbing news for you, you have a sexual transmitted decease,

Lady sits bolt upright and says, I MUST HAVE CAUGHT IT OF A TOILET SEAT

The doctor say you must have been sucking it because its all in your gums.

:annoyed::annoyed::annoyed:
 
My wife was furious when she found out I'd secretly filmed us having sex.
Hell hath no fury like a woman porned.


It takes a single sperm to impregnate a woman, so can someone explain
why it takes 20 million of the buggers to shut her up for 30 seconds?


Woman says to the Doctors, 'I have a strange discharge.' The Doctor put his
hand down her knickers to examine her. 'How does that feel?' he asked.
The woman says 'Bloody marvellous but the discharge is in my ear.


The doctor said to me, "If you had X-ray vision and looked at your liver, you'd
never drink again." I said 'Too right! I'd be too busy looking through girls' skirts!'

.
 
The only known cure for Swine Flu has been found to be the liberal application of oinkment.. :coat:



Where would you normally find a brilliant farmer?

Out standing in his field. :coat:
 
ChrisMClark said:
A hippie gets on the bus and spots a pretty young nun.
He sits down next to her, and asks her "Can we have sex?"
"NO," she replies, "I'm married to God."
She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.
The bus driver, who overheard turns to the hippie and says "I can tell
you how to get to have sex with her!"
"Yeah?" says the hippie.
"Yeah!" says the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night
at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a
hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up
in the cemetery claiming to be God."
The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed
as suggested on the next Tuesday night. Sure enough, the nun is kneeling
down praying.
"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face.
"Have sex with me."
The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to
bottom sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.
'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her.
As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.
"Ha-ha," he cries "I'm the hippie!"
"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!"
Click to expand...

:lol::lol::lol: :clap:
 
chrisgrieve said:
The only known cure for Swine Flu has been found to be the liberal application of oinkment...
Click to expand...

I'm actually really worried about this Swine Flu, so worried that I phoned NHS direct about it... but it must have been a bad line because all I got was crackling.
 
A woman marries and had 13 children. Her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children. Again her husband died. But she remarried and this time had 5 more children and she finally died. Standing at her coffin the preacher prayed for her and said “lord they are finally together” one mourner asks her friend, do you think he means her 1st & 2nd husbands? The friend replies “I think he means her F****** legs”
 
h1n1.jpg
 

A guy goes to the Local Council to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'

He answers 'Yes - caffeine'

'Have you ever been in the services?'

'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'

The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment,' and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, 'Yes ...a bomb exploded near me and blew my testicles
off.'

The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you
right now.

Normal hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM.

You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10 AM every
day.'

The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM, why
don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?' '


'This is a council job,' the interviewer says.

'For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and
scratching our B******s, not really any point in you coming in for
that is there? .'
 
Matt Sayle said:
The new Fairy Liquid advert is set on a council estate in Barnsley..

"Mummy, why are your hands so soft"?



"Because I'm only 14, Now shut the ****** up and eat your pot noodle"!
Click to expand...



HEY :razz::razz::razz:

That would be Granny round here m8 :bat::bat::bat:

DD
 
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND
THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.' WELL,YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY
FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA,
WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME,
DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS
SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET
CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS
BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD
TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM
IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.

"YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, "IN 1966. WHY DO YOU ASK?"

"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS! I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT
ASS, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED, "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"
 
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'
The child whispered, ' No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' ' Yes '

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No '

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes , ' whispered the child, ' a policeman . '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?'
' Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered,

' The search team just landed a helicopter '

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...
' Me '
 
Thomas Cook are doing cheap deals to Mexico
£99 one way
Now there's an offer not to be sneezed at


My missus just phoned up from the local garage and said she was scared to fill up cos of swine flu.
I had to explain to the silly cow it's Mexico not Texaco!


A clergyman has contracted the illness, from another clergyman.
This is the first case of parson-to-parson transmission in the U.K

Just won a free holiday to Mexico and found out i can't go
I'm pig sick!


To anybody in Scotland that is suffering with fever, fatigue, muscle aches, dry mouth, breathing problems, cold sweats, shivers, shakes and hallucinations. Don’t panic, you do not have swine Flu.
You need to call your drug dealer. That smack you bought earlier is wearing off.

Following on from fears over the swine flu virus it has been revealed that England will not be affected!!
Apparently the Government will not be letting it in in case it will offend Muslims!

Apparently the symptoms of swine flu are; sweating, excessive body odour and laziness.
No wonder it went unnoticed for so long in Mexico.


Swine flu is not a problem for the pigs, because they're all going to be cured anyway.


A Pig Flu?
I thought that was impossible.



I was really shocked to find out about the first case of swine flu reported in the UK.
Who would have thought that people from Falkirk can afford to go on holiday in Mexico.



Swine flu? What's the fuss?
S'nowt.


Porky pig has released a statement today about the end of the swine flu.
"Th-Tha-Tha-Tha-That-Thats all folks"
 
I've just bought a Ricky Hatton toaster, but was really disappointed to discover it won't do two rounds.
 
The big bad wolf said "I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down"
The little pig said "****** off or I'll sneeze on you"
 
A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.

They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.

After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said loudly, "Wow,
She&#8217;s fat!

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet...

A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms out as far
As they would go and announced; "I'll bet her bum is this wide!"

The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy.

The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.

After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue.

Just then her pager began to emit a "beep, beep, beep"

The little boy yelled out, "Run for your ******* life, she's reversing!!"
 
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