*** >>> The Official TP Joke thread. Put your jokes in here please <<< ***

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The new Fairy Liquid advert is set on a council estate in Barnsley..

"Mummy, why are your hands so soft"?



"Because I'm only 14, Now shut the ****** up and eat your pot noodle"!
 
A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop..'

So the married couple walked in.

The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild
look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican,
bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants,
and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.


The Jamaican began screaming:


'You got dem on de wrong feet!'
 
facepalm.jpg
 
What's an archeologist?
Someone whose career is in ruins.
 
Last week I attended an AA meeting and, to my horror, each person present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not having these boastful drunkards repairing my car. I can only hope the RAC have more responsible employees.
 
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Jade Goody gave everyone at her funeral a bag of her ashes theyre Goody Bags {sorry}
 
a lorry carrying ice cream crashed on the m4 yesterday the road was coned off for 2 miles
 
All the toilet seats were stolen from my local Police station last night...

The Police say they have nothing to go on
 
My wife has just informed me that she wants a rape alarm.So at 5.30 this morning i put tape over her mouth,held her down,shagged her and whispered
"its time to get up"
 
Matt Sayle said:
My wife has just informed me that she wants a rape alarm.So at 5.30 this morning i put tape over her mouth,held her down,shagged her and whispered
"its time to get up"
Click to expand...

That was terrible even fo you Matt :D
 
Saw a mate of mine outside the heath centre yesterday looking very sad, I said to him
"You OK mate ?"
"No" he replied....... "It's the big C"
" Oh no, not cancer ?"
" No, dyslexia !"
 

A very loud, greasy, unattractive, tattooed,
welfare dependent, chav, Minger, woman wearing a Celtic top walked into
ASDA in Castlemilk with her two kids, Yelling obscenities at them all the way through the
entrance.
The ASDA greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning madam, and
welcome to ASDA.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins by any
chance?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'f'k naw,
they're Nae twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the
f'k would you think they're twins? Are you blind, thick or just
Stupid?'
I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam,'replied the greeter.
'I just Couldn't believe you've been shagged twice. Have a good day, and
thank you for shopping at ASDA.'
 
A koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past ,
looks up and says "Hey Koala ! what are you doing?"

The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.
After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.
But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks
the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in
the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where
the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"
So the koala looks down at him and says:




"Fuuuu - k dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"
 
Cobra said:

A very loud, greasy, unattractive, tattooed,
welfare dependent, chav, Minger, woman wearing a Celtic top walked into
ASDA in Castlemilk with her two kids, Yelling obscenities at them all the way through the
entrance.
The ASDA greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning madam, and
welcome to ASDA.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins by any
chance?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'f'k naw,
they're Nae twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the
f'k would you think they're twins? Are you blind, thick or just
Stupid?'
I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam,'replied the greeter.
'I just Couldn't believe you've been shagged twice. Have a good day, and
thank you for shopping at ASDA.'
Click to expand...

Matt Sayle said:
A koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past ,
looks up and says "Hey Koala ! what are you doing?"

The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.
After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.
But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks
the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in
the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where
the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"
So the koala looks down at him and says:




"Fuuuu - k dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"
Click to expand...


Both terrible, but not much expected from you too really :p
 
Matt Sayle said:
A koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past ,
looks up and says "Hey Koala ! what are you doing?"

The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
Click to expand...

Come on Matt try harder you are starting to post repeats
Just like the TV really
on second thoughts "crack" on :thumbs: :coat:
 
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
 
ekimeno said:
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
Click to expand...

:lol:
 
ekimeno said:
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
Click to expand...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sPxt2x9uwdw
 
A starving asylum seeker is greeted at Dover by a Fairy who grants him 3 wishes.

"I'm hungry" he says. POW! A banquet table appears.

"I want a nice house" he says. POW! A mansion with a swimming pool appears.

"I want to be a real Englishman" POW! Everything vanishes!

Asylum seekers asks "Where's everything gone?"

Fairy says "You're an Englishman now, and entitled to F*** ALL!"


.
 
A girl goes to the doctors and complains about her bad breath, telling him her problem means she can't get a boyfriend. The doctor replies that there is a new super coloured lipstick available which will cure her problem, but it is bright yellow. The lipstick is also only 3mm across which makes it very fragile and also expensive but it will cure her. She agrees to try the lipstick and he tells her she must put it on every four hours for five days. By the end of the five days she will be cured of her bad breath and will also have a boyfriend. After the five day period the doctor gets a visit from the girl along with her new boyfriend and they seem very happy together, she thanks the doctor and the boyfriend asks how the process works, to which the doctor replies.





















supercolouredfragilelipstickcuredherhalitocis.
 
dekeyboy said:
A girl goes to the doctors and complains about her bad breath, telling him her problem means she can't get a boyfriend. The doctor replies that there is a new super coloured lipstick available which will cure her problem, but it is bright yellow. The lipstick is also only 3mm across which makes it very fragile and also expensive but it will cure her. She agrees to try the lipstick and he tells her she must put it on every four hours for five days. By the end of the five days she will be cured of her bad breath and will also have a boyfriend. After the five day period the doctor gets a visit from the girl along with her new boyfriend and they seem very happy together, she thanks the doctor and the boyfriend asks how the process works, to which the doctor replies.





















supercolouredfragilelipstickcuredherhalitocis.
Click to expand...

Get your coat :bang:
 
A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek medical advice from the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said "OK, take off all your crose."

The woman did as she was told. "Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room."

Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr Chang then said "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."

As she did Dr Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You have Ed Zachary disease. Wurse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

The woman asked anxiously "Oh my God, Dr Chang what is Ed Zachary disease?"

Dr Chang sighed deeply and replied………………………………………………….

"Ed Zachary disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse."
 
I went on ebay yesterday searching for a dictaphone,
it gave me Gordon Brown's phone number!


I went to an STD clinic the other day and all the girls in the waiting room looked filthy!
I thought to myself, "I wish my girlfriend was as dirty as some of these girls".
Then I remembered, she was, and that's why I was here.


&#8220;Brown defends Smith over film row&#8221;
He completely understands why her husband needs to w**k.


Why do men fart more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up the pressure.
 
A friend offered me 8 legs of venison for 100 pounds, so i told him it was 2 deer.
 
Rob_W said:
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up the pressure.
Click to expand...
True
:D
Rob_W said:
“Brown defends Smith over film row”
He completely understands why her husband needs to w**k.
Click to expand...

cruel..............................but true
:D
 
Popped into our local butchers this morning. Butcher said, "what do you want me cock?"
I said "No" just a pound of bacon please.
 
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u8myufo said:
Popped into our local butchers this morning. Butcher said, "what do you want me cock?"
I said "No" just a pound of bacon please.
Click to expand...

I got me user title for something like that be warned :D
 
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