*** >>> The Official TP Joke thread. Put your jokes in here please <<< ***

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Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have
passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass
it you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready"

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the
words Yellow, Pink and Green."


Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
"Mister manager, I am ready"

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green,
and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works as a technician at a call
center for computer problems.

No doubt you have spoken to him. I have.
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Monday morning at the junior school, and the teacher said to the class right children, remember we were talking about morals on Friday, can anyone give me an example of a Moral?

Little Johnny is at the back shouting miss! miss! I got one.
Oh christ thought the teacher not Johnny. she looks around and says to a little girl with her hand up, yes Jane what is yours.

jane replies well miss, my grandad keeps chickens and he was taking some eggs to market in the basket of his bike, and he fell off and all the eggs broke. And? asked the teacher, the moral is miss dont put all your eggs in one basket, very good said the teacher.

Johnny is still at the back shouting miss! miss!
No she thought , dont ask him.
She points to another child and says yes Craig.
Craig says to her, mine is similar to janes example. My dad breeds chickens and sells them, he was explaining to somebody how he has got 60 eggs in the incubator and he would make about £40 profit when he sells them. But not all of them hatched out, so the moral of that is dont count your chickens untill they have hatched.
Thats a very good example Craig said the teacher.

Johnny is now getting a bit restless and still shouting out MISS!! MISS!!
Yes Johnny said the teacher what is your example?
Well miss said Johnny, my Grandad was in the war, and as the plane he was in flew over enemy lines, it developed a fault and crashed. He was the only survivor in a remote part of the country, all he had to his name was a hip flask of whisky.
After a day of trekking he was ambushed by the enemy and fought them single handed, he made good his escape and lived to tell the tale.

Well said the teacher that is an interesting story but I fail to see what the moral is. Thats simple said Johnny.































"Dont F..K with me grandad when he`s been drinking
 
Jack Schitt is the only son of O. Schitt.

O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, who later ran the Kneedeep Inn-Schitt.

Jack Schitt eventually married Noe Schitt, and together they produced six children.

Holy Schitt, their first child, passed on shortly after birth. Next, came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt and then two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt. Their final child, another son, was named Bull Schitt.

In the meantime Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt and they had a son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens Brothers.

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Bird Schitt and Horace Schitt.

Bull Schitt just married a spicy number, Pisa Schitt and they are expecting the arrival of Baby Schitt.

So now you know the full story of Jack Schitt and his family... just in case someone should ask.

:wave:
 
scotslasszoe said:
Jack Schitt is the only son of O. Schitt.

O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, who later ran the Kneedeep Inn-Schitt.

Jack Schitt eventually married Noe Schitt, and together they produced six children.

Holy Schitt, their first child, passed on shortly after birth. Next, came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt and then two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt. Their final child, another son, was named Bull Schitt.

In the meantime Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt and they had a son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens Brothers.

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Bird Schitt and Horace Schitt.

Bull Schitt just married a spicy number, Pisa Schitt and they are expecting the arrival of Baby Schitt.

So now you know the full story of Jack Schitt and his family... just in case someone should ask.

:wave:
Click to expand...

Where did you get all that S..T from Zoe? :lol:
 
Man goes into Doctors. "I think I've got this bird flu thing that's been going round."

The doctor says, "What makes you think that?"

The man replies, "Well I've starting wearing make up, talking b*ll*cks and I can't park the f***ing car."
 
Rob_W said:
Man goes into Doctors. "I think I've got this bird flu thing that's been going round."

The doctor says, "What makes you think that?"

The man replies, "Well I've starting wearing make up, talking b*ll*cks and I can't park the f***ing car."
Click to expand...

:lol::lol::lol:
 
Rob_W said:
Man goes into Doctors. "I think I've got this bird flu thing that's been going round."

The doctor says, "What makes you think that?"

The man replies, "Well I've starting wearing make up, talking b*ll*cks and I can't park the f***ing car."
Click to expand...

:lol::lol::lol::lol:
 
Apparently Jade Goody, Natasha Richardson and Wendy Richards have all been signed up for the latest reality TV show.. "I'm in a cemetery, get me out of here"!
 
A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it's been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?" "A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"



The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes."
 
On Monday morning the Postman is walking through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Derek, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow Derek, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.

Derek, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and It got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.'

The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.'

The Postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun. I'm sorry I missed that.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' Derek responded. 'Your name came up 7 times.'
 
Between Fanny Craddock and a cross country runner?

A. One is a pant in the country..... :D
 
What's the difference between a group of pigmies an a group of infected girly-bits?


One's a group of cunning runts, the other's a group of...
 
A hippie gets on the bus and spots a pretty young nun.
He sits down next to her, and asks her "Can we have sex?"
"NO," she replies, "I'm married to God."
She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.
The bus driver, who overheard turns to the hippie and says "I can tell
you how to get to have sex with her!"
"Yeah?" says the hippie.
"Yeah!" says the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night
at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a
hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up
in the cemetery claiming to be God."
The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed
as suggested on the next Tuesday night. Sure enough, the nun is kneeling
down praying.
"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face.
"Have sex with me."
The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to
bottom sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.
'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her.
As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.
"Ha-ha," he cries "I'm the hippie!"
"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!"
 
Two parrots stood on a perch - one turns to the other and says...





"Can you smell fish???" :lol:
 
Did you hear about the dyslexic madam?










She ran a warehouse.
 
The 7 dwarves went to meet the pope, "go on dopey ask him" chanted the other 6, "ok" said dopey.
"sir are there nuns in alaska?". "yes there are" said the pope.
"Go on dopey ask him" urged the other 6. dopey blushed
"are there midget black nuns in alaska?" "no i dont think so" said the pope.
All 6 leapt up shouting "dopey shagged a penguin!"
 
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when
they struck up a conversation.

The Yellow Labrador turned to the Chocolate Labrador and said, 'So, why
are you here?'

The Chocolate Lab replied, 'I'm a ****er. I **** on everything . . . the
sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last
night when I ****ed in the middle of my owner's bed.

The Yellow Lab said, 'So what is the vet going to do?'

'Gonna cut my nuts off,' came the reply from the Chocolate Lab. 'They
reckon it'll calm me down.

'The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Labrador and asked, 'Why are
you here?'

The Black Lab said, 'I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers
and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the
carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole
in my owners' couch.'

'So what are they going to do to you?' the Yellow Lab inquired.

'Looks like I'm losing my nuts, too', the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked, 'Why are
you here?'

'I'm a humper,' the Yellow Lab said. 'I'll hump anything. I'll hump the
cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump
everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and
was bending down to dry her toes and I just couldn't help myself. I
hopped on her back and started hammering away'.

The Black and the Chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, 'So,
nuts off for you too, huh?'

The Yellow Lab said, 'No, I'm here to get my nails clipped!'
 
Man goes to the doctors and says "I've some trouble with my hearing, Doc".

The doctor replies "Can you describe the symptoms?"

The man replies "Sure.. Marge has blue hair, and Homer is fat".
 
Husband and wife just get into bed after a night on the ****.
he farts and shouts "1-0"
she drops one and shouts "1-1"
he farts again "2-1"
she quickly lets one go "2-2"
he strains,follows through and ******s the bed.
she says"what the ****** was that"
he says"half time,change sides"
 
In a recent survey they found that 6 out of 7 dwarfs were not happy.
 
A business man goes to Japan for a very important meeting. He is met at the airport by a interpreter who shows him to his hotel and then takes him round that evening to show him the night life eventually leaving him in the hands of a very beautiful Japanese Geisha girl.

The next day after several hours of hard negotiations they all went for a round of golf to celabrate. It was a friendly game when all of a sudden the business man sliced his aproach shot landing on a different green, several japanese laugh and he heard one of them say"wang to wang to".

The business man turns to the interpreter and says "what's 'wang to' mean, I heard the geisha girl screaming it last night"



He replied "WRONG HOLE"
 
Girl's Diary:

SATURDAY JUNE 21st &#8232;Saw John yesterday evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so I thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed, and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated, but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh, and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up, but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me, and that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep.

--------------------

Boy's Diary:

SATURDAY JUNE 21st &#8232;England lost to Brazil 2-1. Still got laid though.
 
will be doing all the art work for Michael Jacksons O2 concerts.
In return Michael said he would do two little boys.
 
A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto 'We love to fly and it shows'. The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning the hearts of the world'. Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred , he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto 'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the ****** do you want?'

''Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face. 'Ryanair'.
 
Beagletorque said:
The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the ****** do you want?'

''Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face. 'Ryanair'.
Click to expand...

I would have said Squeezy jet but its still :lol::lol::lol:
 
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying ba**ard! You've been playing golf!"

--------------------


A mortician was working late one night

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"

-------------------------

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."

-----------------------

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied,

"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

----------------------

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside

He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
 
Matt Sayle said:
The new Fairy Liquid advert is set on a council estate in Barnsley..

"Mummy, why are your hands so soft"?



"Because I'm only 14, Now shut the ****** up and eat your pot noodle"!
Click to expand...

Hey, I'm from Barnsley!!

Made me chuckle though (even though its NOT true) ;)
 
Plans have begun for Margaret Thatcher's state funeral.
It'll be the first time ever the 21 gun salute is fired into the coffin.


David Coulthard sees an old woman with a walking stick "Do you want a lift
home?" he says "No thanks luv. I'm in a bit of a hurry so I'll walk." She replies


Just saw this sign for a support group in my local hospital it said ;
"Got Schizophrenia? You're Not Alone"


Old man is kneeling by the bed. His wife says, 'What are u praying for?'.
He replies, 'Guidance.'
She says 'Pray for stiffness, I'll f***ing guide it in myself'
 
A German guy approaches a lady of the night.

'I vish to buy sex viz you.'

'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge £20 an hour.'

'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'

'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller..

'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'

The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.

'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'

She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.

'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'

She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.) She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,

'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?'

'Ah,' says the German . . .'zat is ze....







Four-sprung Duck technique
 
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot
of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one
Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'He went next door to the
butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.Shamus said 'Are you
crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry
- just follow me.'He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two
pintsof Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.Shamus said 'Now
you've lost it.
Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't
got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a
plan , Cheers! 'They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick
the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in
your mouth.
'The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out..

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all
for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do
any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'
Murphy said,
'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the
sausage in.
 
Sometimes...
When you cry...
No one sees your tears.

Sometimes...
When you are in pain...
No one sees your hurt.

Sometimes...
When you are worried..
No one sees your stress.

Sometimes...
When you are happy..
No one sees your smile ..+
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But FART!! Just ONE time...
And everybody notices !!!!!!!!!!!!
 
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