*** >>> The Official TP Joke thread. Put your jokes in here please <<< ***

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what do Essex girls say after sex?























































"so do you all play for the same team?"
 
Whilst having sex with my wife the other night she complained to me "why don't we make love like in the movies?". So I bent her over F****d her in the arse and came all over her face.

Turns out we don't watch the same movies.....
 
Flour and Water
...how come when you mix water and flour together you get glue?



And then when you add eggs and sugar ...




And you get cake ???




Where did the glue go ???








NEED AN ANSWER ???









You know darned well where it went .. that's what makes the cake stick to your BACKSIDE!!!
 
A guy gets pulled over by a cop for speeding. As the copper is writing up the ticket, the guy asks...
"Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?"
"Yes" replies the cop.
He then asks, "Can you arrest me for thinking something?"
"No" replies the cop.
"Well then," says the man, "I think you're a c**t!"
 
A bloke goes into the doctors and says,
"I've got a mole on my d*ck, can you remove it please?"
So the chap pulls his trousers and pants down and the doc says, "Yes sir, I can remove that mole... but I'm afraid I'm going to have to report you to the RSPCA."
 
I know these are old but me an th missus were tlaking about going to see Wycombe Wanderers play tomorrow and she said my attendance woudl double the crowd to which i chuckled at remembering the following gag :

I phoned up [insert football team name] and asked what time kick off was. They replied "When can you get here".
As i was there they read the crowd names out to the tream.
Its an all seater stadium ... a 3 piece suite.
I bought a golden goal ticket. It said October.
 
Matt Sayle said:
Whilst having sex with my wife the other night she complained to me "why don't we make love like in the movies?". So I bent her over F****d her in the arse and came all over her face.

Turns out we don't watch the same movies.....
Click to expand...

Matt Sayle said:
A bloke goes into the doctors and says,
"I've got a mole on my d*ck, can you remove it please?"
So the chap pulls his trousers and pants down and the doc says, "Yes sir, I can remove that mole... but I'm afraid I'm going to have to report you to the RSPCA."
Click to expand...

Matthew, Matthew, Matthew,
Where have all the the innocent "child like" jokes gone :shrug:
I guess you have been hangiing around TP far too long :(
Still
That first one actually made me laugh
the second wasn't bad either :thumbs:
 
"When a gay man proposes, do both go down on one knee?"
I would have thought just one of them goes down on all fours to present the ring.


An old man dropped dead in front of me in ASDA today.
I felt so sorry for him. He had just bought a Bag for Life!!


My wife came out with a good gag tonight.
It'll go well with the handcuffs I got.


I was sent an email by Halifax entitled; "Need help with your finances?"
I duplicated it and sent it right back.


Firemen have rescued an irishman stuck to a condom machine.
They asked what happened, he said the sign says insert £2 and push knob in....


I bought my son a jigsaw for his birthday.
My wife went mental, she said he nearly cut his ruddy arm off!


A friend of mine is a chess player. We went out for dinner the other day,
the table had a check tablecloth on it. I asked him to pass the salt and it
took him two hours.
 
Not bad Rob :thumbs:
 
Cobra said:

Matthew, Matthew, Matthew,
Where have all the the innocent "child like" jokes gone :shrug:
I guess you have been hangiing around TP far too long :(
Still
That first one actually made me laugh
the second wasn't bad either :thumbs:
Click to expand...

Haha, I seem to find these funnier atm :lol::lol:

:D
 
Looks as if the dear sweet Matt is getting all growed up now - where did time go :lol:
 
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says b****r off you wont bring it back...


My son was really scared after swallowing some lego.
He was *****ing bricks for quite a few days.


At what point in an argument does "Let's sort this out on Jeremy Kyle!" pop up?


Cats and drunks - people who can make themselves comfortable anywhere.
 
Apparently about 1 person in 10 is homosexual.
Also around 1 person in 10 uses an Apple Mac.
Coincidence ???


I have to say, I have never raised my hand to a woman.
Unless I'm giving her a thumbs up for doing the hoovering well.


If a deaf person sees somebody dancing to YMCA do they think they're shouting?


I was studying myself in the mirror the other day.
My wife came in and said, "don't worry, love, they're just laughter lines."
I didn't think my b*llocks were that funny ??


We're not the most well off of families, so you should've seen it when I spent some of
our hard earned cash on a pogo stick for the wife... She went through the roof.
 
A joke in yesterdays paper( only read it today- cheapskate)

2 cowboys talking about sex

1st Cowboy Whats your favourite position?
2nd Cowboy Rodeo style

1st Cowboy Rodeo style?
2nd Cowboy Yes. Get your girlfriend naked on all fours. Climb on her back and cup her breasts. Then lean forward and whisper in her ear

"these feel like your sisters"

then try and hold on for 8 seconds:naughty:
 
Rob_W said:
Apparently about 1 person in 10 is homosexual.
Also around 1 person in 10 uses an Apple Mac.
Coincidence ???

I was studying myself in the mirror the other day.
My wife came in and said, "don't worry, love, they're just laughter lines."
I didn't think my b*llocks were that funny ??
Click to expand...

:lol::lol::lol:

foggy4ever said:
A joke in yesterdays paper( only read it today- cheapskate)

"these feel like your sisters"

then try and hold on for 8 seconds:naughty:
Click to expand...

:lol::lol::lol:
 
One day, Smartie and Polo were enjoying a quiet drink in a bar. The
bar door opened and in walked Humbug.

"Oh ******!" shouted Polo, and dived underneath the table.

"What are you doing?" asked Smartie.

"That humbug always slaps me and bullies me whenever I see him, so I'm
hiding," replied Polo.

"You should stand up to him," said the Smartie. "He'll respect you if
you do."

Sure enough, the humbug walks over and gives the Polo a smack.

"p**s off you stripey t**t, or I'll knock you out," said Polo.

"Na, no problem Polo mate, leave it," said Humbug and backed off.

Next night Smartie and Polo are sitting in the bar when Humbug walks
in with his friend Tune.

"Oh ******!" shouted Polo, and dived underneath the table.

"What are you doing?" asked Smartie.

"I know you told me to stand up to bullies, but he's with Tune,"
replied Polo.

"So?" said Smartie.

"He's ********* menthol."
 
I see your back to you old self with the jokes again Matt :thumbs:
Oh and it was nearly funny as well :D
 
why do deaf girls mastubate with 1 hand?

so they can moan with the other:thumbsdown:
 
foggy4ever said:
why do deaf girls mastubate with 1 hand?

so they can moan with the other:thumbsdown:
Click to expand...

I guess we can close this thread now that has to be the worse joke ever
Not even Matt is that bad.................
( no Matt thats not an invitation to try either :D )
 
A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre...


So he gave he one :naughty:
 
Just got done by the police. According to them, wrapping your
d*ck in the Beano and w**king is not part of Comic Relief.


Women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have
sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species
requires a lie from one of you.


Whenever my young daughter used to cry too much, I showed her
her birth video in reverse, telling her that's what happens to kids
who don't stop crying...


Yesterday a woman sat on my glasses and broke them.
Luckily, they were on my face at the time.


Every time I check my posts, the wife dives on me and we have
to have sex. Honestly, it's as if she sldbn efiuj baws/ .d; .c.x .x/
.cvsfwt iuyhvdc y ksbecb...

.
 
Rob_W said:
Just got done by the police. According to them, wrapping your
d*ck in the Beano and w**king is not part of Comic Relief.
Click to expand...

That was quite funny, made me laugh. :lol:
 
BEFORE MARRIAGE:

Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling!

AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.
 
Sean Connery gets a call from his agent one day. The agent goes "Sean, I've
got you a job - starts tomorrow, early. You'll have to be there for 10-ish".

Sean furrows his brow and says
"Tennish? but I dont even have a racket."
 
Matt Sayle said:
Jade goody looked brill on her wedding day. Not a hair out of place.

Which way is hell?
Click to expand...


Down Matthew down \/ :D




[YOUTUBE]zSusCGWqnC4[/YOUTUBE]
 
I opened a can of alphabeti spaghetti this morning and it exploded in my face, I wasn't injured, but it could have spelled disaster.
 
Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."

The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."

Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."
 
40 Scousers turn up at the pearly gates and meet St Peter.
Sorry says St Peter we only have space for 12 of you so I'll let you decide amongst yourselves as to who gets in.
St Peter walks off to have a chat with God while they decide which ones will enter heaven.
5 mins later St Peter goes back to see the outcome of their discussions.
30 Seconds later God sees St Peter running towards him, they’re gone he shouts to God.
What all 40 of them asks God No says St Peter the gates.
 
A dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.
When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?


My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast


My wife couldn't wait to get home after our wedding reception. I was pretty keen as well,
thinking she was after the night of passionate sex I had in mind.
Turned out she just wanted to change her relationship status on Facebook from 'Engaged' to 'Married'.


I've started going out with one of my mate's ex girlfriend's and he doesn't like it.
He said the other day, "How's the second hand fanny mate?"
"Great thanks", I replied, "After the first four inches, It's brand new".


Two dyslexics storm a bank and shout "Air in the hands motherstickers, this is a f*** up"
 
Rob_W said:
A dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.
When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?

Two dyslexics storm a bank and shout "Air in the hands motherstickers, this is a f*** up"
Click to expand...

:lol::lol::lol:
 
Josef Fritzl's daughter Elisabeth slept in this morning,after rushing her full english breakfast and racing to get to court to hear the days events unfold,a kindly court usher pointed to her mouth and said
"I think you still have some daddies sauce around your lips"
 
Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to
Fred's parent's home for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his
breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mum
if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mum replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mum replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to
school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mum says, "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His Mum replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I
gave him my airplane glue."
 
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