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*** >>> The Official TP Joke thread. Put your jokes in here please <<< ***
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Apologies if these have been posted before:
A woman sitting in a restaurant suddenly began to cough. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Paddy and Brian sitting at the next table turned to look at her. "Kin ya swaller"? asked Paddy. The woman signaled "No!", desperately shaking her head.
"Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian. The woman shook her head, No! With that, Paddy walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her backside. This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again. Paddy swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer. Brian said in admiration "Ya know Paddy, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Maneuver, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it."
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags. Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
For those that remember the 1950s.
It is the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy.
Harold's a pretty cool guy with his own car and an in-fashion hairstyle.
When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in.
Peggy's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat? she says.
Peggy's mother asks Harold what they are planning to do.
Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the cafe or to a movie.
Peggy Sue's mother responds:
Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says:
What?
Yeah says Peggy's mother.
We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!
Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear.
Immediately, he has revised his plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy comes downstairs in her little mini-skirt, and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mum is saying:
Have a good Evening kids - with a sly wink for Harold.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It's The Twist, Mother! The Twist! It's called The Twist!
A woman sitting in a restaurant suddenly began to cough. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Paddy and Brian sitting at the next table turned to look at her. "Kin ya swaller"? asked Paddy. The woman signaled "No!", desperately shaking her head.
"Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian. The woman shook her head, No! With that, Paddy walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her backside. This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again. Paddy swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer. Brian said in admiration "Ya know Paddy, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Maneuver, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it."
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags. Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
For those that remember the 1950s.
It is the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy.
Harold's a pretty cool guy with his own car and an in-fashion hairstyle.
When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in.
Peggy's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat? she says.
Peggy's mother asks Harold what they are planning to do.
Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the cafe or to a movie.
Peggy Sue's mother responds:
Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says:
What?
Yeah says Peggy's mother.
We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!
Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear.
Immediately, he has revised his plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy comes downstairs in her little mini-skirt, and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mum is saying:
Have a good Evening kids - with a sly wink for Harold.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It's The Twist, Mother! The Twist! It's called The Twist!
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Right, I am back on form....
A cargo plane carrying Japanese car parts has exploded in mid-air, scattering debris over a wide area.
An eye-witness said it was "Raining Datsun cogs..."
A cargo plane carrying Japanese car parts has exploded in mid-air, scattering debris over a wide area.
An eye-witness said it was "Raining Datsun cogs..."
Flashman
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Jeez Matt.... I remember my sister telling that joke when she bought a new Datsun 100A... which makes the joke over 30 years old! <GROAN>
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Well how long have datsun gone :shrug:
Well they changed their name and Image
after the cars all rotted ( Jap crap was quite a common expression back then)
and came up with "Nissan"
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yeah I know (in best andy from little britain voice)
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:razz:
"In 1983, the worldwide marketing of vehicles using the Nissan name began".
But its been around a lot longer than that
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/1136490.stm
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An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.
He bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando , thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North .
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call' .
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for .
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God .
The American thanked the priest and went along his way .
Next stop was in Atlanta . There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was .
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God .
'O.K., thank you,' said the American .
He then travelled all across America , Africa, England , Japan , New Zealand . In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same '$US10,000 per call' sign under it. .
The American decided to travel to Scotland to see if Scots had the same phone .
He arrived in Scotland and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 pence per call.'
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign .
'Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches . I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call . Why is it so cheap here?'
The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Scotland now, son - it's a local call'.
He bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando , thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North .
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call' .
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for .
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God .
The American thanked the priest and went along his way .
Next stop was in Atlanta . There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was .
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God .
'O.K., thank you,' said the American .
He then travelled all across America , Africa, England , Japan , New Zealand . In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same '$US10,000 per call' sign under it. .
The American decided to travel to Scotland to see if Scots had the same phone .
He arrived in Scotland and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 pence per call.'
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign .
'Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches . I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call . Why is it so cheap here?'
The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Scotland now, son - it's a local call'.
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What do the Metropolitan Police, Roman Abramovich and a woman with an itchy **** have in common?
They all regret going for the Brazillian
They all regret going for the Brazillian
inaneredstripe
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erding
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Daddy How Was I Born
A little boy goes to his father and asks ‘Daddy how was I born?’
The father answers, ‘Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your mum and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mum and we met at a cyber-café. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. But we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
You got Male!
A little boy goes to his father and asks ‘Daddy how was I born?’
The father answers, ‘Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your mum and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mum and we met at a cyber-café. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. But we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
You got Male!
Rob_W
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A blonde just texted me saying, "what does idk stand for?"
I texted back saying, "I don't know" and she replied, "omg, no one does!"
I went to the pub last night and the bartender asked me what I wanted.
So I said, "Surprise me!".... He showed me a naked picture of my Wife
I've recently discovered the joys of butter during sex
I smear it on the door handle to stop the kids coming in
I got so drunk last night that some one put me in the recovery position.
This morning woke up on the back of an R.A.C Truck
Was lying in bed with the missus when she rolls over and says,
"Say something dirty to me."... I said, "the dishes."
My girlfriend said she wanted to experiment in the bedroom...
So I got her a chemistry set and went to the pub
I was at my brothers side the night he died.
I remember his last words to me: "I wont dip my headlights until they do."
Written on a wall in a gents toilet......"My wife follows me everywhere!"
Written just below....."No,i do not!!!"
I've been saving a fortune lately. Instead of spending a fortune ringing expensive sex lines,
I ring the Samaritans and say, "talk dirty or I'll kill myself!"
I texted back saying, "I don't know" and she replied, "omg, no one does!"
I went to the pub last night and the bartender asked me what I wanted.
So I said, "Surprise me!".... He showed me a naked picture of my Wife
I've recently discovered the joys of butter during sex
I smear it on the door handle to stop the kids coming in
I got so drunk last night that some one put me in the recovery position.
This morning woke up on the back of an R.A.C Truck
Was lying in bed with the missus when she rolls over and says,
"Say something dirty to me."... I said, "the dishes."
My girlfriend said she wanted to experiment in the bedroom...
So I got her a chemistry set and went to the pub
I was at my brothers side the night he died.
I remember his last words to me: "I wont dip my headlights until they do."
Written on a wall in a gents toilet......"My wife follows me everywhere!"
Written just below....."No,i do not!!!"
I've been saving a fortune lately. Instead of spending a fortune ringing expensive sex lines,
I ring the Samaritans and say, "talk dirty or I'll kill myself!"
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Just bought Jade Goodies picture calender,
But it only goes up until April
But it only goes up until April
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What do girls from Liverpool use for protection during sexual intercourse ?
A bus shelter
A bus shelter
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Just bought Jade Goodies picture calender,
But it only goes up until April
Matt leave the sick jokes to us oldies
and stick to your Beano annual jokes
Yep like that one
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Didnt know what sort of reaction that one was going to get
Glad you like teh second.
Glad you like teh second.
craigieboi
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That was terrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrible
What music will you have on in the back ground?
something from grease perhaps :shrug:
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After great sex, she lies stroking his penis. He asks: do u want more sex? She says: no. I was just admiring your penis…..I used 2 have one just like it.
Victoria Beckham has claimed she had an affair with Michael Jackson, Jackson’s solicitor has denied the claim saying “he was in Brooklyn at the time”
After a 9th baby, Irish woman saw a priest… ‘I don’t know why I get pregnant so often, it must be something in the air?’ ‘Yes’ said the priest, your legs!
Man Squeezes wife’s tit and says ‘if we firm these up we cud get rid of the bra’. She squeezes his cock n says ‘if we firm this up we cud get rid of the postman’.
Little Daisy comes home from school & says "Mummy Johnny showed me his willy today, it was like a peanut!" Mum says "You mean small?" Daisy replies"No, salty!
A man says to his wife get ready, you, me & the dog are going fishing. Wife says I don't want 2 go. Man gives her 3 choices. Fishing, blow job or take it up the arse. Wife picks blow job. After sucking for a while she says this tastes like crap. Man says I know the dog didn't want to go fishing either.
A jelly baby went to doctors with his willy covered in coconut & liquorice.The doctor said "what have u been up to?" The jelly baby replied "****in allsorts!"
I'm so ****ed off! Someones just crashed into my front wall in one of them new skodas. There's ****ing jam and sponge everywhere!
Just been 2 the Gym there's a new machine, i only used it for 1/2 an hour but i started 2 feel sick!Its good *** - its got KitKats, Mars Bars, Mini Cheddars everything ...
Victoria Beckham has claimed she had an affair with Michael Jackson, Jackson’s solicitor has denied the claim saying “he was in Brooklyn at the time”
After a 9th baby, Irish woman saw a priest… ‘I don’t know why I get pregnant so often, it must be something in the air?’ ‘Yes’ said the priest, your legs!
Man Squeezes wife’s tit and says ‘if we firm these up we cud get rid of the bra’. She squeezes his cock n says ‘if we firm this up we cud get rid of the postman’.
Little Daisy comes home from school & says "Mummy Johnny showed me his willy today, it was like a peanut!" Mum says "You mean small?" Daisy replies"No, salty!
A man says to his wife get ready, you, me & the dog are going fishing. Wife says I don't want 2 go. Man gives her 3 choices. Fishing, blow job or take it up the arse. Wife picks blow job. After sucking for a while she says this tastes like crap. Man says I know the dog didn't want to go fishing either.
A jelly baby went to doctors with his willy covered in coconut & liquorice.The doctor said "what have u been up to?" The jelly baby replied "****in allsorts!"
I'm so ****ed off! Someones just crashed into my front wall in one of them new skodas. There's ****ing jam and sponge everywhere!
Just been 2 the Gym there's a new machine, i only used it for 1/2 an hour but i started 2 feel sick!Its good *** - its got KitKats, Mars Bars, Mini Cheddars everything ...
Last edited:
Rob_W
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Visibility wasn't good the other day,when I got pulled over by a traffic cop doing 70mph.
He said, "What would you do if Mr Fog came down suddenly?"
"I would put Mr Foot on Mr Brake", I replied.
"Let me start again, slowly", He said, "What would you do if mist or fog came down suddenly?
He said, "What would you do if Mr Fog came down suddenly?"
"I would put Mr Foot on Mr Brake", I replied.
"Let me start again, slowly", He said, "What would you do if mist or fog came down suddenly?
Flashman
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Thirteen year old dad Alfie Patten has joined 'Fathers for Justice'. He doesnt understand the politics but he's made up with the Spiderman costume!
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An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks'.
A German doctor said, 'Zat's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks'.
A Russian doctor put down his Vodka and said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks'.
The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We can take two a*%eholes out of Scotland, put them in 10 & 11 Downing Street and have half the
country looking for work within twenty-four hours'
If you were around in 1919 and came upon the following poster.......
... I mean, seriously, would you quit drinking???
I thought not!
A German doctor said, 'Zat's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks'.
A Russian doctor put down his Vodka and said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks'.
The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We can take two a*%eholes out of Scotland, put them in 10 & 11 Downing Street and have half the
country looking for work within twenty-four hours'
If you were around in 1919 and came upon the following poster.......
... I mean, seriously, would you quit drinking???
I thought not!
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Rob_W
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The Wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She wasn't happy with what she saw and said to me, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment..'
I took a deep breath and replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
She wasn't happy with what she saw and said to me, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment..'
I took a deep breath and replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
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I'd laugh if it was so damned near the truth
I'd friggin' well start if I didn't already
The oldies are the best, When do you get out of hospital ?
Rob_W
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We were driving along when we saw a wounded skunk on the side of the road.
So i stopped, the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.
She said, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"
I told her, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm."
She asks, "What about the smell?"
I said, "Hold its nose."
So i stopped, the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.
She said, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"
I told her, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm."
She asks, "What about the smell?"
I said, "Hold its nose."
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With all due apologies in advance 
The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football, is suitably impressed and arranges him to come over .
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left, the manager gives the
young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and
wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won.
Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'
'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day Your father got shot in the street and robbed,
your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters,
and all while you were having such great time.' The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry.'
‘Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum, ‘It's your bloody fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place
The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football, is suitably impressed and arranges him to come over .
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left, the manager gives the
young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and
wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won.
Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'
'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day Your father got shot in the street and robbed,
your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters,
and all while you were having such great time.' The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry.'
‘Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum, ‘It's your bloody fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place
ChrisMClark
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Steep, man, that's great
Just bought Jade Goodies picture calender,
But it only goes up until April
tricky one that.
Rob_W
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My wife's gone out tonight with her mates from work.
She's left me a long list of jobs that need to be done around the house.
I've just had a quick read through the list and I reckon, if she's not back
too late, she should be able to make a good start.
She's left me a long list of jobs that need to be done around the house.
I've just had a quick read through the list and I reckon, if she's not back
too late, she should be able to make a good start.
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