The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

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I've started adding food to my magic act. I crush garlic, basil and pine nuts and then blend them with grated parmesan and olive oil,
cover with a cloth, wave my wand, pull off the cloth, and . . . .

HEY PESTO !
 
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A teacher asks little Johnny if he knows his one to 10 well. "Yes! Of course! My pop taught me, even more than 10!" "Good. What comes after three?” "Four." "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. Now, what comes after, let's say 10?" "A jack."
 
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Topical..

A Muskovite is walking through the commercial quarter of Moscow when he sees a poorly dressed and possibly homeless man standing outside the head office of a major corporation gazing up into the sky. He gives it little thought but the following day he sees the same man outside a different building, but still gazing upwards. He can't help noticing that the man, although still in ragged clothing, is wearing expensive shoes and a Rolex watch. He goes on his way musing as to what may be going on.
The next day, he sees the same man outside yet another high status company headquarters, again gazing upwards, but now, in addition tt the watch and the shoes, he is wearing an Armani suit and a cashmere overcoat. This time the Muscovite's curiosity gets the better of him and he asks thim, " Excuse me, but I can't help noticing that three days ago you were dressed in rags, but today your situation seems to have changed dramatically. How have you managed this?"

Still gazing intently upwards, the man replies," In times like these tovarich, you just need to be on the spot when the oligarchs start falling out of the windows."
 
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, that read:
"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programmes and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realise that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can’t give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."
 
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