The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

These are both true.

A church in south London has a board outside on which is written.. "God loves Man". Some wag has added.. United..:)

It reminds me of another witty soul. In front of a gas works was written on a large board "Gas Works" Added was... "so does electricity"
 
And from when I was in the Airforce as an apprentice in the early seventies when someone wrote 'Jesus Saves' on their notebook with an ornate, circular picture surrounding a Green Shield Stamp (remember those?).
 
A man walks into a bar and sees a pianist, who is only one foot tall, playing the piano. He talks to the bartender and says, "That's amazing! Where did you find a 12 inch pianist?" The bartender replies, "Oh, I have a genie in the back room who grants wishes. Give it a try if you want." The man goes to the genie and says, "Oh genie, I wish I had a 100 million bucks." The genie nods his head and a few seconds later there's a puff of smoke and 100 million ducks fly over the man's head. The man goes back to the bartender and complains, "I wished for 100 million bucks, not 100 million ducks!" And the bartender says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"
 
ShinySideUp said:
And from when I was in the Airforce as an apprentice in the early seventies when someone wrote 'Jesus Saves' on their notebook with an ornate, circular picture surrounding a Green Shield Stamp (remember those?).
Click to expand...
Jesus saves, but Moses invests
Jesus saves, but Moses scored on the rebound
 
kennethwfd said:
Jesus saves, but Moses invests
Jesus saves, but Moses scored on the rebound
Click to expand...

One for those with a long football memory.

Reminds me of an alleged change made to a notice board outside a church in Liverpool in the 1960s.

The board posed the question, "What would you do if Jesus came to Liverpool?" To which someone added, "I'd move St John to the wing."

Dave
 
saltireblue said:
Also back in the 70s or thereabouts, sign with the words, 'God Saves' had, 'with the Woolwich' added.

For those of tender years, the Woolwich was one of the UK's largest building societies.
Click to expand...
From a zillion years ago on a billboard on Scotland Road in Liverpool

Jesus Saves

Some wag had added "St John scores on the rebound"
 
I've just read an article that claims taking your bicycle to work is good for the environment. Well, I've cleared space in my van for tomorrow..
 
I went to my local GP to make an appointment to see the doctor.

They said I'm afraid the earliest they can see you is 3 months."

" What? 3 months! OK morning or afternoon?" I asked.

At this point the person in the queue behind me said. "What difference does it make! "

"Well" I explained "I've got the emergency plumber coming in the morning"
 
How about a little lateral thinking?

Two builders, Fred and Bill, are seated either side of a table in a rough pub'
when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the 'suit'.

Fred: "I reckon he's an accountant."
Bill: "No way! He's a stockbroker."
Fred: "He's no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!"
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Fred
and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the 'suit' is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and several jugs get the better of the builder...

Fred: "Scuse me...no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?"
Suit: "No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession"
Fred: "Oh! What's that then?"
Suit: "I'll try to explain by example....do you have a goldfish at home?"
Fred: "Er...mmm...well yeah, I do as it happens!"
Suit: "Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?"
Fred: "It's in a pond."
Suit: "Well, then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden."
Fred: "As it happens, yes I have got a big garden."
Suit: "Well then It's logical to assume that in this town that if you have a large garden that you have a large house."
Fred: "As it happens I've got a five bedroom house...built it myself."
Suit: "Well, given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married."
Fred: "Yes, I am married, I live with my wife and three children!"
Suit: "Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife."
Fred: "Yep! Four nights a week!"
Suit: "Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often."
Fred: "Me? Never!"
Suit: "Well there you are, that's logical science at work!"
Fred: "How's that then?"
Suit: "Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about the size of garden you have, the size of house, your family and about your sex life!"
Fred: "I see. That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!"
They both leave the toilet and Fred returns to his mate.
Bill: "I see the suit was in there, did you ask him what he did?
Fred: "Yep! He's a logical scientist!"
Bill: "What's that then?"
Fred: "I'll try to explain. Do you have a goldfish?"
Bill: "Nope"
Fred: "Well then, you're a w*nker........"
 
I thought I would surprise my wife and bake her a cake. Truth is it didn't turn out very good.

I followed the recipe exactly and ensured the cake was in the oven at 120 degrees. Oh well . . .

i-n8VpQz2.jpg
 
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