The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

[G.K.Jnr.]

 

[camerassassin]

 

[badlywornroy]

My favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandmother
...
until my mom took the urn from me.

 

[saltireblue]

Mummy, mummy! Can I play with granddad?
...
No! You've already dug him up twice this week!

 

[mikew]

 

[Nod]

 

[Nod]

I was sure I'd seen this before but can't see it in the 5 most recent pages.

(TBH, with my memory, my previous sighting may well have been when I nicked it from elsewhere!!!)

 

[kennethwfd]

Women's response to a survey

2 inches - I can't even hold it.

3 inches - Never been so unsatisfied.

4 inches - I've had bigger than it.

5 inches - Good, but I wish a bit bigger.

6 inches - perfect.

7 inches - Love it.

8 inches - Wow! But can't have it all.

9 inches - Painful but manageable.

10 inches - Too much pressure on stomach.

This survey was actually a Customer's Feedback on different sizes of:
Subway Sandwiches!

 

[kennethwfd]

 

[saltireblue]

 

[Nod]

IIRC, Wallace's rocket looked like a b*tt-plug rather than Bezos's d*ldo.

 

[Cockney]

 

[Cockney]

 

[saltireblue]

IIRC, Wallace's rocket looked like a b*tt-plug rather than Bezos's d*ldo.

I think that to the passengers, Bezo's was more like being inside a giant vibrator...

 

[Cockney]

 

[Nod]

 

[Cockney]

A bit late for advice now.

 

[Cockney]

 

[Nod]

A bit late for advice now.View attachment 324874

Just think of the grief she'd get now for taking the knee...

 

[D-Mitch]

 

[D-Mitch]

 

[Cockney]

 

[Cockney]

 

[Cockney]

 

[G.K.Jnr.]

 

[G.K.Jnr.]

 

[G.K.Jnr.]

 

[G.K.Jnr.]

A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."
The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"
On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

 

[Sky]

 

[Cockney]

 

[badlywornroy]

I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants.

You've probably never heard of herbivore....

 

[sphexx]

Mummy, mummy! Can I play with granddad?
...
No! You've already dug him up twice this week!

Ah the Return of the Mummy, this one is at least 50 years old I think:

Mummy, Mummy! Can I lick out the bowl?
…
No! Flush it like everyone else!

 

[Mag1cp2x]

By eating a grapefruit instead of that portion of chips you can lose 90% of what little enjoyment you still have left in life …

 

[the black fox]

View attachment 324931

Got all them bar two ROFPMSL

 

[saltireblue]

Ah the Return of the Mummy, this one is at least 50 years old I think:

Mummy, Mummy! Can I lick out the bowl?
…
No! Flush it like everyone else!

Mummy, Mummy! I don't like grandma.
...
Well leave her on the side of your plate then.

 

[kennethwfd]

Ah the Return of the Mummy, this one is at least 50 years old I think:

Mummy, Mummy! Can I lick out the bowl?
…
No! Flush it like everyone else!

Mummy, mummy, can I go to the toilet?
Yes dear, I'll be with you in a moment
I'd rather Granny came with me
Why?
Her hand shakes

Mummy, mummy, can I wear a bra, after all I'm now 16?
Shut up Albert

 

[Sky]

 

[Bobsyeruncle]

Got all them bar two ROFPMSL

Don't you mean ROFPMS?

 

[saltireblue]

Mummy, mummy, can I go to the toilet?
Yes dear, I'll be with you in a moment
I'd rather Granny came with me
Why?
Her hand shakes

Mummy, mummy, can I wear a bra, after all I'm now 16?
Shut up Albert

Mommy, Mommy, I don't like running in circles!
...
Shut up, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.

Mommy, Mommy I don't want my hair braided.
...
Shut up and lift the other arm.

 

[kennethwfd]