The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

gm43uk said:
At work I was once asked "Do you have a thing to connect a thing to some stuff?" When I asked for more information I was told "Well you're supposed to be the expert!"
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Reminds me of the lady who went to the motor spares shop and asked for a 710 "thingey that goes on the top of my engine.." , she'd lost it.
"You mean the OIL cap don't you" replied the manager. :whistle:
 
It was hard, getting over my addiction to the hokey cokey.

But I turned myself around and that's what it's all about.
 
Llamaman said:
Did you hear that the person who wrote the Hokey Cokey died last year?
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Would that have been around the same time as the guy that invented predictive text? :D
 
He's dead? when was his funday?
 
14708176_1741333159528794_8735436494050371664_n.png
 
Children's thoughts on marriage

WHO SHOULD YOU MARRY ?
-You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10 < B>

3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8

-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8

7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )

8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
 
Britain - "brexit was the stupidest most destructive thing a country could possibly do."

America - "hold my drink"
 
Llamaman said:
Did you hear that the person who wrote the Hokey Cokey died last year?

It took them 8 hours to get the coffin shut!
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A bit like the bloke who overdosed on Viagra.
 
Steep said:
It was hard, getting over my addiction to the hokey cokey.

But I turned myself around and that's what it's all about.
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What if "The Hokey Cokey" is what it's all about? Keeps me awake at night worrying about it. That, or the answer being 42.
 
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What a load of bullocks!
 
Cartus said:
He'd be Friesian in the snow, what do you expect?
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You would have thought he'd have the sense to at least put a Jersey on :D
 
I the penis herby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
- I do physical labour
- I work at a great depths
- I plunge head first in everything I do
- I do not get weekends off or public holidays
- I work in wet environment
- I don’t get paid overtime
- I work in dark workplace that has poor ventilation
- I work in high temperature
- My work exposes me to contagious diseases

Dear Mr Penis, after assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejected your request for the following reasons:
- You do not work 8 hours straight
- You fall asleep on the job after a brief work period
- You do not always follow the orders of the management team
- You do not stay allocated position, and often visit other areas
- You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
- You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
- You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
- You'll retire well before reaching 65
- You're unable to do double shifts
- You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,
the Management
 
Mountkeen said:
I'm sorry but I'm not going to explain a joke to you...................................;)
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Especially one that I fell out of my pram laughing at :p
 
Who remembers this TV classic? seems the guys are on the move again ;)

A p.jpg
 
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.
God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.
The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.' Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.' She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?' The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'
MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are clever Don't mess with them
 
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