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The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )
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Cartus
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A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.
God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.
The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.' Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.' She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?' The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'
MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are clever and evil Don't mess with them .
Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.
God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.
The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.' Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.' She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?' The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'
MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are clever and evil Don't mess with them .
Mountkeen
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Is it Groundhog Day today?
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OP
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A man walks into a pub, with a Groundhog under his arm,
tell me a story said the bar man, and so the story began....
A man walks into a pub, with a Ground dog under his arm....
Cartus
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Apologies, I didn't see Ingrid's post of the same joke before I posted this one!
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But it's an old joke - what are the chances of you both posting it on the same day? Is it doing the rounds on Facebook?
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That's where mine came from, yes.
the black fox
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Is Melania saying 'can you write me a speech?'
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Italian Grandma's Advice
A young Italian girl was going on a date.
Her Nonna said: 'Sita here Ana letame tella you about this-a younga boy.
He's agonna try Ana kiss you,
You are agonna likea dat, but
Don't let him do dat.
He's agonna try Ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna
Likeadat too, but don'ta let
Him do dat eeda.
But mosta important, he's
Agonna try Ana lay on topa
You, you are agonna really
Likea dat, but don'ta let him
Do dat for sure.
Doing thata willa disgraza
Our family."
With that bit of advice, the
Granddaughter went on her date.
The next day she told grandma that
Her date went just like she had Predicted:
'And Nonna, I didn't let him disgrace
Our family as you said.
When he tried to lay on top of me,
I just rolled him over, got on top of him,
and disgraced HIS family!'
Nonna fainted!!
A young Italian girl was going on a date.
Her Nonna said: 'Sita here Ana letame tella you about this-a younga boy.
He's agonna try Ana kiss you,
You are agonna likea dat, but
Don't let him do dat.
He's agonna try Ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna
Likeadat too, but don'ta let
Him do dat eeda.
But mosta important, he's
Agonna try Ana lay on topa
You, you are agonna really
Likea dat, but don'ta let him
Do dat for sure.
Doing thata willa disgraza
Our family."
With that bit of advice, the
Granddaughter went on her date.
The next day she told grandma that
Her date went just like she had Predicted:
'And Nonna, I didn't let him disgrace
Our family as you said.
When he tried to lay on top of me,
I just rolled him over, got on top of him,
and disgraced HIS family!'
Nonna fainted!!
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Wisdom Of An Older Man
An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?'
'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a young woman like you, she seems to appear out of no where'
An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?'
'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a young woman like you, she seems to appear out of no where'
Amazon reviews of a Swiss Army Knife
https://www.amazon.com/Wenger-16999...how_all?reviewerType=all_reviews&pageNumber=1
https://www.amazon.com/Wenger-16999...how_all?reviewerType=all_reviews&pageNumber=1
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Thanks for that!
I noticed that people who looked at this also viewed the land tank ..... also worth reading the reviews on too!
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An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.
The 1st passenger said, "I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.
The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am the newly-elected U.S. President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die." He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.
The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy, "My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The little boy said, "That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest President took my schoolbag."
The 1st passenger said, "I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.
The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am the newly-elected U.S. President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die." He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.
The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy, "My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The little boy said, "That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest President took my schoolbag."
kendo1
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That Baby Iguana From Planet Earth II
Like This Page · November 7 ·
Thanks for all the support guys. I was shixxing myself!
OP
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Deja vu..
kendo1
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Just seen on FB:
Dan Dennis An adult male persian cat can run 12.3 mph in front of a 747 for 14 seconds before being sucked into the turbine of the motor.
Dan Dennis An adult male persian cat can run 12.3 mph in front of a 747 for 14 seconds before being sucked into the turbine of the motor.
Jules B
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The earlier Amazon review link led me to this, apologies if it's been on here before: https://www.amazon.com/Images-SI-Ur...1&refRID=G79F6F0FZ08GKFHSNEKE#customerReviews