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*** >>> The Official TP Joke thread. Put your jokes in here please <<< ***
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I was picking my nose the other day when it started to bleed.
My know it all wife said, "Serves you right for sticking your finger up there."
The next day she started her period and guess what I told her....
love it 
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Far, far too much informationI was picking my nose the other day when it started to bleed.
My know it all wife said, "Serves you right for sticking your finger up there."
The next day she started her period and guess what I told her....
but funny as hell
quite sure!
Having met you Kel I am also sure that you are
Its just that you tell "man jokes" as well as any man I know
Must be that rough rugby lot you hang around with,
they are a bad influence on you!
(or are you a bad influence on them?
)
Rob_W
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My friend asked me which 5 people I would choose to help me save the world.
I said "Kate Beckinsale, Cheryl Cole, Ali Larter, Katy Perry and Scarlett Johansson."
"WTF," my mate said, "they'd be useless saving the world."
"Stuff saving the world mate, I'm preparing to re-populate."
.
I said "Kate Beckinsale, Cheryl Cole, Ali Larter, Katy Perry and Scarlett Johansson."
"WTF," my mate said, "they'd be useless saving the world."
"Stuff saving the world mate, I'm preparing to re-populate."
.
Doc
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Here is a collection of true answers given on exam papers.
*********************************************
Animals
A hostage is a big bird with four legs and a long neck.
An elephant is a square animal with a tail in front and behind.
To keep milk from turning sour you should keep it in the cow.
Moths eat least of all because they eat holes.
The only pouched animal in America is the apostle.
The cow has a pulse as well as anyone else, but you can't feel it in its wrist.
There are many eligible fish in the North Sea.
It is pain to a cat to tread on its paw, and it swears, but in a different manner to what we do.
A sheep is mutton covered with wool.
Tadpoles eat one another and become frogs.
A sure-footed animal is an animal that when it kicks it does not miss.
The Zodiac is the Zoo of the sky where lions, goats, virgins and other animals go after they are dead.
Biology and Health
Food is nourished in the stomach. It is digested by the lungs … The food then passes from your windpipe to your pores, and passes off your body by evaporation.
Germs are sort of small insecks that swim in you when they can get in. Some are called measles but you can't see them.
Anaemia is not having enough blood, but you have enough to bleed as much as anyone else if you cut your finger.
We should not eat too much bone-making food, because if we do we shall have too many bones, and that would make us look funny.
The best food for babies is oxygen, hydrogen and a little carbon.
There are four symptoms of a cold, two I forget and the other two are well-known.
A drug is any wholesome vegetable good for taking once in a way, but not for regular food.
An injection is a shout or scream raised by a person too surprised or frightened to make a sentence with his thoughts.
Letter to headmaster: I can't get to school as mother is in bed with ten disciples [appendicitis].
Artificial respiration is what you make a person alive with when they are only just dead.
A bloodvessel is a man's lifeboat.
To germinate is to become a naturalised German.
Chemistry
Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin, Hydrogin is gin and water.
An oxygen has eight sides.
Nitric acid burns yellow holes in your clothes.
If the air contains more than 100% carbolic acid it is very injurious to health.
To fill an apparatus with acidulated water, turn on the taps and acidulate.
Mathematics and measurement
A centimetre is an insect with a hundred legs.
A litre is a nest of young puppies.
An obtuse-angled triangle is a solid three-sided figure with thick sides.
A polygon is a man with several wives.
A trapezium is the thing in the gymnasium.
A triangle with equal sides is called equatorial.
Geometry teaches us to bisex angels.
Isosceles triangles are used on maps to join up places with the same weather.
A line is a length of breath.
Physics
Gravity was discovered by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.
The process of turning steam into water again is called Conversation.
A surface is the very top you cannot see.
Atomic weights are used for weighing atoms.
A magnet is a thing you find in a bad apple.
Inertia is that which tends to have a uniform motion in a state of rest.
The first law of friction is that when two surfaces are at rest it is more difficult to start them in motion than when they are already in motion.
Miscellaneous
Our food was eaten and our water was drunken.
Question: What is a coroner? Answer: A man whose duty is to decide whether a person died a natural or a fatal death. Another answer: He crowns the King. Another answer: He is likely one of the King's men who plays on the coronet at banquets. Another answer: They are persons who look after crowns.
*********************************************
Animals
A hostage is a big bird with four legs and a long neck.
An elephant is a square animal with a tail in front and behind.
To keep milk from turning sour you should keep it in the cow.
Moths eat least of all because they eat holes.
The only pouched animal in America is the apostle.
The cow has a pulse as well as anyone else, but you can't feel it in its wrist.
There are many eligible fish in the North Sea.
It is pain to a cat to tread on its paw, and it swears, but in a different manner to what we do.
A sheep is mutton covered with wool.
Tadpoles eat one another and become frogs.
A sure-footed animal is an animal that when it kicks it does not miss.
The Zodiac is the Zoo of the sky where lions, goats, virgins and other animals go after they are dead.
Biology and Health
Food is nourished in the stomach. It is digested by the lungs … The food then passes from your windpipe to your pores, and passes off your body by evaporation.
Germs are sort of small insecks that swim in you when they can get in. Some are called measles but you can't see them.
Anaemia is not having enough blood, but you have enough to bleed as much as anyone else if you cut your finger.
We should not eat too much bone-making food, because if we do we shall have too many bones, and that would make us look funny.
The best food for babies is oxygen, hydrogen and a little carbon.
There are four symptoms of a cold, two I forget and the other two are well-known.
A drug is any wholesome vegetable good for taking once in a way, but not for regular food.
An injection is a shout or scream raised by a person too surprised or frightened to make a sentence with his thoughts.
Letter to headmaster: I can't get to school as mother is in bed with ten disciples [appendicitis].
Artificial respiration is what you make a person alive with when they are only just dead.
A bloodvessel is a man's lifeboat.
To germinate is to become a naturalised German.
Chemistry
Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin, Hydrogin is gin and water.
An oxygen has eight sides.
Nitric acid burns yellow holes in your clothes.
If the air contains more than 100% carbolic acid it is very injurious to health.
To fill an apparatus with acidulated water, turn on the taps and acidulate.
Mathematics and measurement
A centimetre is an insect with a hundred legs.
A litre is a nest of young puppies.
An obtuse-angled triangle is a solid three-sided figure with thick sides.
A polygon is a man with several wives.
A trapezium is the thing in the gymnasium.
A triangle with equal sides is called equatorial.
Geometry teaches us to bisex angels.
Isosceles triangles are used on maps to join up places with the same weather.
A line is a length of breath.
Physics
Gravity was discovered by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.
The process of turning steam into water again is called Conversation.
A surface is the very top you cannot see.
Atomic weights are used for weighing atoms.
A magnet is a thing you find in a bad apple.
Inertia is that which tends to have a uniform motion in a state of rest.
The first law of friction is that when two surfaces are at rest it is more difficult to start them in motion than when they are already in motion.
Miscellaneous
Our food was eaten and our water was drunken.
Question: What is a coroner? Answer: A man whose duty is to decide whether a person died a natural or a fatal death. Another answer: He crowns the King. Another answer: He is likely one of the King's men who plays on the coronet at banquets. Another answer: They are persons who look after crowns.
erding
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NO SEX SINCE 1955
A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something botheringyou?'
'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'
'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!"
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, 'I Hope Not; It's only 2130 now.'
A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something botheringyou?'
'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'
'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!"
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, 'I Hope Not; It's only 2130 now.'
Dave_Taylor
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Just heard that a Chinese couple have had an albino child.
Apparently two Wongs can make a white.
Apparently two Wongs can make a white.
Rovers_Andy
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Flash In The Pan
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After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him: "This is all in your mind" and refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits, the shrink confesses: "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor says: "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says: "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year!
All you have to do is say '1-2-3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor: "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says: "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says: "1-2-3" and suddenly he gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says: "What did you say '1-2-3' for?"
After a few visits, the shrink confesses: "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor says: "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says: "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year!
All you have to do is say '1-2-3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor: "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says: "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says: "1-2-3" and suddenly he gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says: "What did you say '1-2-3' for?"
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A Vampire walks into a bar and asks the barman: 'Have got some boiling water?' Barman replys: 'I thought you only drank blood.' Pulling out a Tampon, the Vampire says 'I am making a bru!
Flash In The Pan
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A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid- twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"
"No problem," replies the young man, "just get that lion out of the way."
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"
"No problem," replies the young man, "just get that lion out of the way."
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Rob_W
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been
living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to
tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife"
.
living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to
tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife"
.
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An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the
corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's
Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and
a
pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the
pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him
for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The
arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone!
It's A Miracle.'
Je sus then approaches the Scouser who says,
'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the
corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's
Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and
a
pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the
pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him
for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The
arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone!
It's A Miracle.'
Je sus then approaches the Scouser who says,
'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.
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Senior Health Care Solution So you're a senior citizen and the
government says no health care or pension for you, what do you do? Our
plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are
allowed to shoot 2 MP’s and 2 Senior Government Officials. Of Course,
this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day,
a roof over your head, and all the health care you need! New teeth, no
problem. Need glasses, great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All
covered. And who will be paying for all of this? The same government
that just told you that you are too old for health care. Plus, because
you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.
IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?!
government says no health care or pension for you, what do you do? Our
plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are
allowed to shoot 2 MP’s and 2 Senior Government Officials. Of Course,
this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day,
a roof over your head, and all the health care you need! New teeth, no
problem. Need glasses, great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All
covered. And who will be paying for all of this? The same government
that just told you that you are too old for health care. Plus, because
you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.
IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?!
An old man goes into a chemist to buy some Viagra
“Can I have 6 tablets, cut into quarters?”
“I can cut them for you” said Dan the pharmacist
“But a quarter tablet won’t give you a full erection”
“I am 96” said the old man… “I don’t want an erection.
I just want it sticking out far enough so I don’t p*** on my slippers”
“Can I have 6 tablets, cut into quarters?”
“I can cut them for you” said Dan the pharmacist
“But a quarter tablet won’t give you a full erection”
“I am 96” said the old man… “I don’t want an erection.
I just want it sticking out far enough so I don’t p*** on my slippers”
Snap_Happy
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Very good Chris... Last one is just a little close to the bone though... :|
erding
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A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up
to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my
wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
" Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every
shape, size, color and material imaginable.
Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four
types of bras to choose from.
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:
There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the
Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between
them. The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple..
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.
to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my
wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
" Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every
shape, size, color and material imaginable.
Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four
types of bras to choose from.
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:
There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the
Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between
them. The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple..
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.
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Tactful to the last thats meVery good Chris... Last one is just a little close to the bone though... :|
Flash In The Pan
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Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called"Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats.
The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door.....
The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door.....
Flash In The Pan
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There was a Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Wales. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.
The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.'
And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English b**tard again .
OLDER WOMAN
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 61 year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a
really hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's
Double.
'What's that?' I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. I said, 'No' - excitedly.
We drank a bit more, then she said that tonight is 'your lucky night'. I went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs..........'Mum, you still awake?'
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 61 year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a
really hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's
Double.
'What's that?' I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. I said, 'No' - excitedly.
We drank a bit more, then she said that tonight is 'your lucky night'. I went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs..........'Mum, you still awake?'
Rovers_Andy
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PMSL
Raj_p
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deodorant
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My nan got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said, “Remove cap and push up bottom”.
she can barely walk, but whenever she farts the room smells lovely
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My nan got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said, “Remove cap and push up bottom”.
she can barely walk, but whenever she farts the room smells lovely
Raj_p
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Partying with the boys
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A married man left work early one Friday, but instead of going home,
he spent the weekend partying with the boys.
When he finally returned home on Sunday night,
his wife really got on his case and stayed on it.
After a few of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and
pointed at him and made him an offer.
"How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?".....
The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said,
"That would suit me just fine!!"
Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a
little out of the corner of his left eye.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A married man left work early one Friday, but instead of going home,
he spent the weekend partying with the boys.
When he finally returned home on Sunday night,
his wife really got on his case and stayed on it.
After a few of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and
pointed at him and made him an offer.
"How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?".....
The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said,
"That would suit me just fine!!"
Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a
little out of the corner of his left eye.
Raj_p
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- Name
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Why?
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Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin ?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why? Good question.
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Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin ?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why? Good question.
Raj_p
Suspended / Banned
- Messages
- 235
- Name
- Raj
- Edit My Images
- No
Four friends
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Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'
The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'
The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 15 bedroom mansion.'
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'
One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ....What about your son?'
The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'
The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'
The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends
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Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'
The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'
The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 15 bedroom mansion.'
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'
One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ....What about your son?'
The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'
The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'
The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends
Raj_p
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- Name
- Raj
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Mum, help
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A boy shouts to his mother. "MUM CAN YOU HELP ME!?". his mum shouts back. "I'M IN THE BEDROOM, DONT YOU SHOUT AT ME! GET UP HERE AND SPEAK TO ME PROPERLY".....
the boy walks upstairs...... "Thats better" mum says "Now what did you want?"
the boy replies..... "I trod in dog **** and cant get my trainers off".
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A boy shouts to his mother. "MUM CAN YOU HELP ME!?". his mum shouts back. "I'M IN THE BEDROOM, DONT YOU SHOUT AT ME! GET UP HERE AND SPEAK TO ME PROPERLY".....
the boy walks upstairs...... "Thats better" mum says "Now what did you want?"
the boy replies..... "I trod in dog **** and cant get my trainers off".
Raj_p
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- 235
- Name
- Raj
- Edit My Images
- No
pegnancy
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Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say Congratulations!!!
But none of them rub your d*ck and say Well Done!!!
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Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say Congratulations!!!
But none of them rub your d*ck and say Well Done!!!
Dave_Taylor
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- Name
- Dave
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Duplicate - post 606
- Status