*** >>> The Official TP Joke thread. Put your jokes in here please <<< ***

Status
Not open for further replies.
My dying wife called me in to the bedroom and said, "Darling, take the box out from underneath the bed and open it." I did just that and inside were 2 eggs and £7,000 in cash. I asked "what are the eggs for?" She replied, "Darling, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but every time I was unfaithful to you I put an egg in the box." "OK", I said, "well 2 eggs in 35 years of marriage, I can just about forgive you for that. Where did all the money come from?" She replied "Every time time I collected a dozen I sold them."
 
2 ships have collided in the english channel, one carrying blue paint, the other red paint, both crews have been marooned
 
Oh FFS :bang:
that is a real groaner :D
 
Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful independent, self-assured Princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the Princess' lap and said, "Elegant lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell on me. One kiss from you however and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I really am ... and then my sweet, we can marry and set up house together in your castle with my Mother, where you can prepare all my meals, clean my clothes and bear my children and forever feel happy and grateful for doing so."


That night, as the Princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frogs legs seasoned with garlic, white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself, "I don't f***in' think so!"
 
Apple will be releasing a new gadget exclusively for women later this year. It's called the iRon
 
2 rats in a sewer, 1 turns to the other and says s*** for breakfast, s*** for diner and s*** for tea, im sick off this, 2nd ones says cheer up we can go on the P**s later.
 
Chap goes to the vet with his budgie, which he fears is dead.

The vet says he can't be sure and needs further tests. In comes his dog, a labrador, who sniffs and licks the bird, then shakes his head. Next the vet brings in a cat, who looks at it, then slinks morosely away.

"I'm afraid your budgie is definitely dead," says the vet. "That will be £1,010."

"What?" says the owner. "More than a grand to tell me my budgie is dead?"

"'Fraid so," says the vet. "Normally it would be a tenner, but then you had the lab report and the cat scan."
 
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.' The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off, she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

















































Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'
 
I thought I saw my wife's name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut'...
 
Three French Legionnaires

There were once three French legionnaires who were struggling through a desert wasteland, with plenty of water but no food. They were, by now absolutely ravenous, and so climbed to the top of the highest sand dune to survey the horizon in the hope of finding something to eat. The first legionnaire, who was the hungriest of them all suddenly spotted a single tree on the horizon. When he looked closer, he saw that it was festooned with rashers of bacon, so calling to his friends he shouted "Regardez Vous, Mes Amis! Iz not zat a bacon tree?" As they look at this lone tree, they all agree that it does appear to be growing bacon, so the first legionnaire, starts sprinting towards it, as he is the hungriest of them all. 100m off, a shot rings out and he falls to the ground dying. His two friends come running to his aid and the dying legionnaire lies on his back and whispers "Alas, mes amis....zat was no bacon tree.....zat was an 'am bush!"
 
A few minutes before the church services started,

The congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,

trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.


Soon the church was empty except for one gentleman

Who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious

To the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence..


So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all
Eternity?' Persisted Satan.


'Yep,' was the calm reply.


'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

' Nope,' said the old man

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The man calmly replied,


'Been married to your sister for 30 years.
 
Know Your Customers:

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.
A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"
The salesman explained
"When I got posted in the Middle East , I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know how to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through three posters...

4432413832_b82741f61e_o.jpg


First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand...totally exhausted and fainting.
Second poster: The man is drinking our Cola.
Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed.
And Then these posters were pasted all over the place
"Then that should have worked!" said the friend.
"The hell it should had!? said the salesman. didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left" :lol:
 
:D
 
This I believe is the first time this week I have laughed out loud, so worth a post here...



A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard.
The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a football.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it ?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '£150'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have football boots.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy - '£250'
Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy - '£400'
The father says, That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that,That is way more than those two things cost.

I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that again you little ****. You're in
my cupboard now.
 
That's awesome :lol:


Laughter is just the medicine I need today, stuff's just going t!ts up it seems :(
 
LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, Well,
That was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.:D
 
Male or Female? You might not know this...but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:



FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in...but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off...it takes a while to warm them up again.

TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object... because to get them to go anywhere.....you have to light a fire under their arse.

SPONGES: These are female...because they are soft.......squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES:
Female...because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male... because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because....over time...all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male.... because in the last 5000 years......they've hardly changed at all...and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male...but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it...and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push...he just keeps trying
 
A store that sells new husbands has opened, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely gorgeous, help with housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
 
A group of 40-year-old buddies gather to discuss where they should all meet for dinner.

Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the "Flanagan’s Bistro" restaurant because the all waitress's there have low revealing tops and great breasts.

Ten years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet.

Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the "Flanagan’s Bistro” because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

Ten years later, at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they have a lengthy discussion about where they should meet.

Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the "Flanagan’s Bistro" because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

Ten years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet.

Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the "Flanagan’s Bistro" because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

Ten years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet.

After mulling it over, somebody suggests that they should meet at the "Flanagan’s Bistro" restaurant and everybody agrees it would be a great idea because they've never been there before.
 
One Monday morning the Postman is working through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Derek, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow' Derek, looks like you had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments..

Derek, in obvious pain, replies ''Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing "WHO AM I." ?

The Postman thinks a moment and says, ''How do you play "WHO AM I" ?

''Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.''

The Postman laughs and says, ''Sounds like fun. I'm sorry I missed that.''



''Probably a good thing you did,'' Derek responded. ''Your name came up seven times''....
:D:D:D
 
Subject: Fwd: How To Make A Woman Happy















It's not difficult to make a woman happy..

A man only needs to be:


1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a doctor
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42.. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes




HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY




1. Show up naked

2. Bring alcohol

3. Let him hold the

Remote control
:lol::lol::lol:
 
A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
'Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts', she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her so she said, 'Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself'.
The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, 'Do you shave?'
'No', replied the girl. 'I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?'
'Oh yes', said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff.
When the husband got back in she asked, 'Did you see it?'
'Yes', he said. 'But why the hell did you have to show her yours?'
'Why not?' she said. 'You've seen it all before.'
'I know', he said, 'but the f*@$%ing darts team hadn't!'
:lol::lol::lol:
 
Rooney told Colleen that John Terry had shagged every England players wife apart from one..............
Colleen said " I bets its posh spice the stuck up cow" !!
 
Sleepydawg said:
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male...but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it...and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push...he just keeps trying
Click to expand...

Sleepydawg said:
After mulling it over, somebody suggests that they should meet at the "Flanagan’s Bistro" restaurant and everybody agrees it would be a great idea because they've never been there before.
Click to expand...

:D
 
Captain of the Titanic was walking along the deck with the first officer when one of the crew shouts down from the crows nest. Seagull!! Seagull!!
The captain asks the officer "what is he saying?"

The officer replies he is shouting Seagull!! Seagull!! The captain says please inform him I am not interested in Seagulls. Officer shouts up "The captain is not in the slightest interested in Seagulls"

The crew member shouts back "Tell him he might be interested in this one, it`s sat on top a F.....g big Iceberg"
 
Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women.


They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus."


It comes in pink and the average male thief won't be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is.
:lol::lol::lol:
 
*WARNING…..A BIT RACIST, DON’T LOOK IF EASILY OFFENDED.









Paddy, was walking along the street during his once-in-a-lifetime visit to
New York when he rounds a corner and there's a high rise building on fire.
Paddy, ever the kind-hearted and resourceful Irishman, runs up to the
building to see if he can help, and notices people trapped five stories
up.

Paddy yells to the people: 'I'm Patrick Sean Michael Fitzpatrick, the
Irish Rugby Union fullback! If you jump, I'll catch you, I've only had 6 pints
to drink all day!"

One lady, in desperation, jumps and sure enough Paddy catches her. Then a
man sees that Paddy catches the woman and he jumps. Sure enough, Paddy
catches him also.

Then a black man jumps out and crashes to the sidewalk. Paddy didn't even
attempt to catch him.

Paddy looks up and yells:

* * * * * * * * *"Don't be throwin' out the *burnt ones!"
 
retired said:
Paddy looks up and yells:

* * * * * * * * *"Don't be throwin' out the *burnt ones!"
Click to expand...

I guess you are going straight to hell :(



And I will be right behind you for laughing :D
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top