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and help to keep the site free for all
*** >>> The Official TP Joke thread. Put your jokes in here please <<< ***
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ladysue
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An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment..
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'
'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man. The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'
The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'
The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment..
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'
'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man. The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'
The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'
Rovers_Andy
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Why are Camels called "the ships of the desert"
they're full of Arab Seamen
they're full of Arab Seamen
Flash In The Pan
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A baby polar bear asks his mother ''Mommy, am I 100% polar bear?'' The mother looks up in thought, and replies ''Well, your father is 100% polar bear, and I'm 100% polar bear, so I'd say yes, you're 100% polar bear.''
Not satisfied with this answer, the baby polar bear goes to his father and asks ''Daddy, am I 100% polar bear?'' The father pauses briefly, and responds ''Well, your mom's parents were both 100% polar bear, and my parents were both 100% polar bear, so yes, you're 100% polar bear.''
The father then looks at his son and says ''why do you ask?''
The son replies ''because I'm ****ING FREEZING!!!!''
Not satisfied with this answer, the baby polar bear goes to his father and asks ''Daddy, am I 100% polar bear?'' The father pauses briefly, and responds ''Well, your mom's parents were both 100% polar bear, and my parents were both 100% polar bear, so yes, you're 100% polar bear.''
The father then looks at his son and says ''why do you ask?''
The son replies ''because I'm ****ING FREEZING!!!!''
AndrewA123
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Dave_Taylor
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A little boy shouts to his mother. "MUM CAN YOU HELP ME ?" His mum shouts back. "I'M IN THE BEDROOM, DONT YOU SHOUT AT ME, GET UP HERE AND SPEAK TO ME PROPERLY". The boy walks upstairs. "That's better" She says. "Now what did you want ?" The boy says "I trod in dog poo an I can't get my trainers off"
Dave_Taylor
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Two snowmen standing in a field. One turns to his mate and asks "Can you smell carrots?"
snaphappyscottie
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I will never forget my Grandad telling me the story of his Father way back in the 1860's, He worked as an undertaker in Old Edinburgh and the Hearse back then was a horse drawn cart.
Any way it was on a cold snowy day that he was called out to pick up the body of a man who had died, He was gently placed into the coffin and placed on the cart in a very dignified manner.
Then heading to the church going up towards the Royal Mile the horse started to slip and his father tried the brake but it did not stop the down hill slide. On occasions like this they had a rope with a hook that could be deployed to stop it, he used the hook and the horse and cart came to a complete standstill, but the momentum continued in the coffin sending it back down the old cobbled street towards the main shopping area straight into the door of boots the chemist the lid came of and the man sat up and said have you anything to stop this dam coffin...
Any way it was on a cold snowy day that he was called out to pick up the body of a man who had died, He was gently placed into the coffin and placed on the cart in a very dignified manner.
Then heading to the church going up towards the Royal Mile the horse started to slip and his father tried the brake but it did not stop the down hill slide. On occasions like this they had a rope with a hook that could be deployed to stop it, he used the hook and the horse and cart came to a complete standstill, but the momentum continued in the coffin sending it back down the old cobbled street towards the main shopping area straight into the door of boots the chemist the lid came of and the man sat up and said have you anything to stop this dam coffin...
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Not bad
Hello Flash not seen you around for ages
I strongly suggest that you don't give up the day job just yet though
Flashman
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"Chet" the Christmas Carol Parrot:
One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife.
The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols.
This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.
So the shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot and Chet began to sing:
"Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..."
The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot, Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with:
" Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm.
When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.
"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."
So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned:
"Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..."
The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came:
"Silent Night, Holy night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold
the lighter between his legs?"
The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife.
So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life:
"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."
One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife.
The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols.
This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.
So the shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot and Chet began to sing:
"Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..."
The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot, Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with:
" Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm.
When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.
"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."
So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned:
"Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..."
The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came:
"Silent Night, Holy night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold
the lighter between his legs?"
The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife.
So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life:
"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."
Snap_Happy
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c_robinson
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged the first one but let the other one off.
They charged the first one but let the other one off.
Rob_W
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Me and my new girlfriend went to the pub last night, her ex was there with all
his mates. He shouted out "Hey mate, how's the second hand pussy?" I just
smiled and said, "It's brand new after the first 3 inches, thanks for asking"
.
his mates. He shouted out "Hey mate, how's the second hand pussy?" I just
smiled and said, "It's brand new after the first 3 inches, thanks for asking"
.
Dave_Taylor
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Just heard the news that a mad gunman went on the rampage yesterday in the Big Brother house. Apparently police are still trying to identify the victims.
Snap_Happy
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Very good - Even made the wife laugh - and she doesn't get most jokes...
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Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women. They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus." It comes in pink and the average male thief won't be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is.
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Pedro Photosport
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A two seater Cessna Airplane has just crashed into a cemetary in Ireland. So far Irish police have found 153 bodies and are still searching.
ladysue
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I like it and have just sent it to my son who is an engineer at Ford's development centre
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Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training.
After the first day they met up in the bar. "Ah,Pierre ," asks one, " 'ow 'av you been doing?"
"Merde!" answers Pierre . "I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and onto ze parade ground."
"And zen what 'appened?" enquired his mate.
"I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform five feet off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"
"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.
"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."
"And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.
"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and 'e said "Jurmp."
"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.
"I did not. I told ' im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp ten feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."
"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.
"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform un'undred feet above ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely, and 'e said 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your derriere!'"
"Sacre Bleu, mon ami" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?"
"A leetle, ..............at ze beginning."
After the first day they met up in the bar. "Ah,Pierre ," asks one, " 'ow 'av you been doing?"
"Merde!" answers Pierre . "I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and onto ze parade ground."
"And zen what 'appened?" enquired his mate.
"I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform five feet off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"
"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.
"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."
"And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.
"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and 'e said "Jurmp."
"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.
"I did not. I told ' im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp ten feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."
"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.
"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform un'undred feet above ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely, and 'e said 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your derriere!'"
"Sacre Bleu, mon ami" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?"
"A leetle, ..............at ze beginning."
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starkersclark
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craigieboi
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ive just had the biggest argument with the mrs.. she keeps moaning on about how i
'never take her breath away'................
just binned her inhaler pretty sure that'll work
'never take her breath away'................
just binned her inhaler pretty sure that'll work
Snap_Happy
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Clubbers in Yorkshire are being blamed for the rise in break-ins at dental practices across the county. Apparently, there's a new craze which involves using dental syringes to inject ecstasy directly into the mouth.
This dangerous habit is known as: E by gum
[sorry - made me smile though...]
This dangerous habit is known as: E by gum
[sorry - made me smile though...]
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A lot of folks
can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our
country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple
answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to
check the
oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting
low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely
geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is
located
in The
North
Sea
~~~
All
Our
DIPSTICKS
are located
in
Westminster
!!!
Any
Questions
???
NO? I didn't think
so!!
can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our
country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple
answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to
check the
oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting
low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely
geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is
located
in The
North
Sea
~~~
All
Our
DIPSTICKS
are located
in
Westminster
!!!
Any
Questions
???
NO? I didn't think
so!!
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A woman is like a pack of cards... You need a heart to love her... A diamond to marry her... A club to smash her head in... And a spade to bury the bitch
Kel how perceptive
are you sure you really are female? - Status