*** >>> The Official TP Joke thread. Put your jokes in here please <<< ***

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How do they circumcise a whale.
Answer--- Send four skin divers down.


If cock robin is the answer, what is the question.
Whats that in my a**e batman.

Is a brothel somewhere they sell soup.

Did you hear about the man who thought, "Coq au vin" was a brothel on wheels.



TTFN Paul
 
a survey has discovered 85% of black american men prefer sex in the shower........














The other 15% havn't been to prison yet.
 
:thumbs: :D
 
STRESS MANAGEMENT TECHNIQUE

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals.

The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile..

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream..

2. Now visualize yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

7. The water is so crystal clear you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.


There!! See? It really does work... You're smiling already. Feel free to forward this if you know others who might benefit from this technique.
 
Some oldies but still funny.

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop w**king.
When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me.
I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock that big."

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.

My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old
daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a sh!t."

Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up, won't it start?"
 
The Big Bad Wolf said “I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your
house down”



The little pig says



“FKoff or I’ll sneeze on you”
 
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out that 'boyz 2 men' was a pop group and not a delivery service!
 
I went to see my new doctor this morning about my piles. He said "drop your trousers and pants and bendover."

So i did and pulled my cheeks apart, he said "im going to need your whole name?" I said " I just call it my a*sehole!


.
 
IMG_6740copy.jpg


The biggest joke ever!!!
 
:lol:


A man went beserk yesterday in a supemarket killing at least 12 people using an electric blade.
The whole thing was captured on film and is to be released as The "Tesco Chainstore Massacre".

.
 
Man went to a zoo...........................


It only had one dog...............












............. it was a s***zu
 
Rob_W said:
but now I'm starting to think....

Maybe I've dropped a clanger.


.
Click to expand...

:bang: :bang: :bang:

Sorry but in case you hadn't realised
there are no prizes for out doing Matt with the crappy jokes :D
 
Cobra said:
:bang: :bang: :bang:

Sorry but in case you hadn't realised
there are no prizes for out doing Matt with the crappy jokes :D
Click to expand...
Yes, sadly i do know, that crown isnt for the likes of me. One can only be inspired by such dedication
to the pusuit of the ultimate crappy humour. I like the rest; can only look up in wonderment and awe.




What's the difference between a Kangaroo and a Kangaroot?....
One's a kangaroo, and one's a Geordie stuck in a lift.


.
 
Rob_W said:
Yes, sadly i do know, that crown isnt for the likes of me. One can only be inspired by such dedication
to the pusuit of the ultimate crappy humour. I like the rest; can only look up in wonderment and awe.




What's the difference between a Kangaroo and a Kangaroot?....
One's a kangaroo, and one's a Geordie stuck in a lift.


.
Click to expand...

:D & :D
 
Farrah Fawcett arrived at the Pearly Gates and God asked her what he could do for her having led such an honest life. Farrah asked God to simply make sure the children of the world were safe.












Five minutes later, Michael Jackson died
 
Madonna sent her condolences to the Jackson family........











Then asked how much they wanted for the kids
 
Flash you are a norty man!
You will surely burn in hell




Along with me :lol::lol::lol:
 
Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees sister rose washing the kitchen floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground. As he's humping her the Rev Mother comes in.

"SISTER ROSE!!!" she roars "Have some respect. Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!"
 
Doctors are looking into claims that MJ&#8217;s death could have been caused by an allergic reaction from eating 12 year old nuts
 
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him "Are you allergic to anything?"

He says "Yes, just caffeine."

"Have you ever been in the service?" the interviewer asks.

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."

The interviewer says "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment here.", and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes... a grenade exploded near me and blew my testicles clean off." The interviewer tells the guy "O.K. In that case, I can hire

you right now. Normal hours are from 8am to 4pm. You can start tomorrow at 10am, and plan on starting at 10am every day.

Don't worry, we'll still pay you from 8am."

The guy is puzzled and says "If the hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don't you want me to be here before 10am?"

"'This is a government job," the interviewer says.

"For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
 
A young Tawny Owl flies back home to his parents and says excitedly, "Mum, Dad, I have some news for you. I'm going to get married!"
To which his parents ask. . . .

"You twit, to who?"
 
Dave_Taylor said:
A young Tawny Owl flies back home to his parents and says excitedly, "Mum, Dad, I have some news for you. I'm going to get married!"
To which his parents ask. . . .

"You twit, to who?"
Click to expand...

:coat:
 
Did you ever wonder why you never see dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica?


Ever wonder where they go? Wonder no more.


It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.


The penguins have a very strong community bond. They are very committed to their family and will mate for life.


They also maintain a form of compassionate contact with their offspring throughout its life.


If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the freshly dug grave and sing....

..."freeze a jolly good fellow…"



:coat:
 
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