*** >>> The Official TP Joke thread. Put your jokes in here please <<< ***

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It was Christmas Eve and a man was about to throw himself off the roof of a ten-story building. His attractive wife had left him for a younger man, he&#8217;d lost his job and he owed thousands of pounds to the bank. Just as he was screwing himself up to jump, Father Christmas tapped him on the shoulder.

"Are you OK?" asked Santa solicitously.
The man explained why he was so miserable and prepared to jump.
"Stop!" shouted Santa. "It's Christmas &#8212; I'll grant you three wishes to solve your problems on the understanding that you will grant me a small favour in return!"
"Would you?" the man replied hopefully. "That would be wonderful! Thank you, thank you!"

Santa promised him:
"You shall go home in one hour and your wife will be dressed in her sexiest underwear, begging for forgiveness and longing for your return, and she will have forgotten all about her new lover."
"You'll go into work tomorrow, sit at your desk and still have your job. Your salary will have increased by 50% and nobody will have any recollection of your sacking."
"Then you'll go to your bank and discover you're ten thousand pounds in credit with no outstanding bills."

"Oh thank you, thank you!" said the man. "What do you want me to do in return?"
"Drop your pants and bend over!"
The man reluctantly complied. After quite a brutal rogering, which made the man&#8217;s eyes water, Santa zipped up his pants and asked the man how old he was.
"Thirty-six." replied the man.
"Ho, ho, ho! You're a bit too old to believe in Father Christmas aren't you?" chuckled the man in the fancy dress costume.
 
Here's one someone sent me a few Christmases ago.

Does Father Christmas exist?

1. No known species of Reindeer can fly. However, there are 300,000 species of living organisms that haven’t been classified yet. While the vast majority of these are insects and bacteria, we cannot completely exlcude the possibility that flying reindeers do exist, even if Father Christmas is the only one ever to have seen them.

2. There are 2 billion children (people under 18) in the world. However, since Father Christmas doesn’t appear to deliver to Muslims, Hindus, Jews and Buddhists, his work is cut down to about 15% of that total: 378 Million kids (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average of 3.5 children per house, we get 91.8 million houses. (Assuming that every house contains at least one well-behaved child.)

3. Father Christmas has a 31-hour Christmas Day, due to the different timezones when he flies from East to West (which seems the logical thing to do). That works out at 822.6 visits per second, meaning he has 1/1000 of a second at each Christian house to get the job done: Park, jump out the sleigh, climb down the chimney, fill the stockings, put the rest of the presents under the tree, clear away the leftovers of the Christmas Eve meal, climb back up the chimney and fly to the next house. Assuming that these 91.8 million stops are spread out at regular intervals over the Earth (which of course we know they aren’t but we’ll assume this for ease of calculation), we get 0.8 miles between each house, a total distance of 73.4 million miles, not including comfort breaks, which we all need at least once every 31 hours… That means that Father Christmas’s sleigh covers 646 miles/second. (approx. 3000 times the speed of sound). In comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle ever, the Ulysses Space Probe, flies at a pathetic 27 miles/second. A standard reindeer manages about 15 miles per hour.

4. The loading of the sleigh leads to further complications. Assuming each child gets no more than a medium-sized lego set (about 1 Kg in weight), then the sleigh has a weight of 378,000 tonnes, not including Father Christmas himself who is unanimously thought of as being overweight. A standard reindeer cannot pull more than 175 Kg. Even under the assumption that special flying reindeer can pull 10 times the normal weight, you would need not eight or nine animals, but 216,000. (Not even including the enourmous weight of the sleigh big enough to hold 378,000 tonnes of presents). The total weight would be approximately 5 times that of ‘The Queen Elizabeth’.

5. 410,400 tonnes travelling at a speed of 646 miles/second results in tremendous air resistance; the reindeers would be heated, much like a spaceship on re-entry into the earth’s atmosphere. The front pair of reindeers would have to absorb 16 trillion joules of energy per second. Each. To put it differently, they would be vapourised instantly. The next pair of reindeers would be exposed to the wind-resistance and there would be a deafening bang. The whole team of reindeers would be vapourised within five thousandths of a second. Meantime, Father Christmas would be nailed to the back of the sledge with a force 17,500 times that of gravity – or just over 20 Million Newtons. Thus, we reach our conclusion: IF Father Christmas ever did deliver presents, he’s most certainly dead today.
 
A little boy sits on Santa's lap. Santa says "I bet I know what you want for Christmas," and with his finger he taps the boys nose with every letter he spells "T-O-Y-S".
The little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have enough toys."
Santa replies once again tapping the boys nose with every letter, "C-A-N-D-Y."
Again the little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have all kinds of candy."
"Well what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks.

The little boy replies, tapping Santa on the nose,
"P-U-S-S-Y, and don't tell me you don't have any because I can smell it on your finger!"
 
A man had an appointment with a urologist. In the examining room, he told the doctor, "Don't laugh."

"I'm a professional. In more than 20 years I've never laughed at a patient," replied the doctor.

"Okay then," the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest willy the doctor had ever seen. It wasn't any bigger than a triple A battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing hysterically. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," he said. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," the man replied.
 
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and he

doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on

the kerb.


'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver 'Would you please take

your seat so we can leave?'


'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive

at the Vatican and I'd really like to drive today.'


'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if

something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to

work that morning.


'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind

the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the

airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but

the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear

God, I'm gonna lose my licence,' moans the driver.


The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches,

but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on

the radio. 'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo doing 105mph.


'So bust him,' says the Chief.


'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the cop.


The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'


'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.


The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'


Cop: 'Bigger.'


Chief: 'Governor?'


Cop: 'Bigger.'


'Damn me,' said the Chief, 'just who the hell is that big?'


Cop: 'I think it's God!'


Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'


Cop: 'He's got the f*########*g Pope as a chauffeur!'
 
A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was Amy Winehouse.

That evening, the man brought Amy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again..

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Amy and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Amy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said,
'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'
 
An Englishman is being shown around a Scottish hospital.

At the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims:

Fair fa' yer honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain e' the puddin' race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
painch tripe or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy o' a grace
as lang's my arm.


The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, and immediately the patient launches into:

Some hae meat, and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thankit.


This continues with the next patient:

Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie,
O what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
wi' bickering brattle.
I wad be laith to run and chase thee,
wi' murdering prattle!"


"Well," the Englishman mutters to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last."

"Nay, nay," the Scottish doctor corrected him, "this is the Serious Burns unit."
 
FrmSubject: Gordon the chicken





Trevor, the farmer, was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilise the eggs.
>
> The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the stock pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.


> Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
>
> The farmer's favourite rooster was old Gordon, and a very fine specimen he was too, but on this particular morning Trevor noticed old Gordon's bell hadn't rung at all! Trevor went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover but to farmer Trevor's amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
>
> He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Trevor was so proud of Gordon, he entered him into the West Berkshire County Fair and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges. The Result - the judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
>
> Clearly Gordon was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?


> Do you know a Pulletician called Gordon?


>
>
 
Sherlock Holmes wakes up Watson one night and says to him, 'Watson! Quick, look up! What can you deduce from those stars?' Watson thinks it over and replies, 'Well, Mr. Holmes, I'd say that with Polaris, otherwise known as the North Star, immediately to the right of us, our heads are pointing East. The clouds rolling in signify a moist morning and potentially cloudy day tomorrow. I hear crickets and frogs as usual, indicating the presence of a swamp nearby, which means we may be bitten by some mosquitoes before dawn. Why, what do you deduce, Mr. Holmes?'




To which Sherlock replies: 'Someone's stolen our tent!'
 
Harold is 92 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit, smoke a cigar, listen to music, ponder his accomplishments and reflect on his long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 86, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours had passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred asks, 'Do you know what I miss most of all?'

She asks, 'What?'
'S * X!!' he replies.

Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old f *** , you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!'

'I know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.'

'Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was OK. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with ano ther female resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You two-timing Ba ** ard! ----- What does Ethel have that I don't have?'

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, 'Parkinson's...'
 
One night a blond nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.

"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God.

"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways," said the nun.

"There must be something you would have of me," said God.

"Well, there is one thing," she said.

"Just name it," said God.

"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop."

"Consider it done," said God. "Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you."

"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.

"Name it. Please," said God.



"It's the M&M's," said the blonde nun. "They're so hard to peel."
 
The priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept in the
coop behind the church.
One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and
discovered that the cock was missing.
He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to
question his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.

"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.

"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock
that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up.

"No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really mean is, has
anybody seen MY cock?"
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
 
A guy was driving around town when he saw a sign in front of a house,

'Talking Dog for Sale.'

He rang the bell and the owner told him the dog was in the backyard.
The guy went into the backyard and saw a Labrador sitting there..

'You talk?' he asked.

'Yes,' the Lab replied.

'So, what's the story?'

The Lab looked up and said, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the police about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.'

'But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy was amazed. He goes back in and asked the owner what he wanted for the dog.

'Ten pounds.' the man said.

'Ten pounds? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that rubbish.'
 
I've been going to evening classes learning the indian language. Saari seems to be the hardest word.
 
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat "

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um... equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too heavy to be held in the hand very long."

With that, Mrs. Smith fainted.
 
3 mice are sat at a bar. One mouse turns to the others and says 'I'm so hard, when I see a mouse trap I whip the cheese off it, grab the bar before it hits me and I bench press it 30 times'. The second mouse isn't impressed as he says 'that's nothing sunshine, I grab the bar and bench press it 60 times, I'm way harder thatn you', and with that he snorts a shot of vodka and slams the shot glass down. The third mouse looks at the other two and chuckles, before getting up and putting on his coat. The other two mice look at him, assuming their conversation has scared him off, until the thirds mouse turns to them and says 'I've had enough of your two pansies, I'm off home to screw the cat!'.

Apologies if it's a repost :)
 
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Bumpity bump

A few more given nobody else has posted in a while:

Q) While driving you see a chav on a pushbike. Why should you not try and hit him?
A) It could well be your bike.

Q) What do you say to a chav with a job?
A) Bigmac please.

Q) 2 chavs jump off a bridge, who wins?
A) Society.

Q) What's the difference between a coconut and a chav?
A) One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.

Q) What do you call a 30 year old chav girl?
A) Granny.

Apologies to any chavs that might be here :D
 
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

'Now take off my stockings.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'
 
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door -- their nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note: placing a paw print in the middle of my plate does not stake a claim for it nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then if you must, go smell the other dog or cat's bottom (in that order). I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like To Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, then stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it furniture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, they are adopted children who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children
 
2 old men get drunk go to a brothel the madam seeing the state their in tells a girl to blow up 2 dolls saying they wont tell the difference, after they finish their walking home one says i think my girl was dead she never made a sound or moved, the other guy says i think mine was a witch why said the other, he said i bit her on the neck she farted and flew out the window
 
5000 Israeli troops have rapidly entered Jordan, early reports say she is tired and her @rse is sore but she will soldier on.
 
Kerioak said:
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
Click to expand...

:lol::notworthy::clap:
I cant stop laughing hahaha
 
An elderly man of 82 sits in coffensional.
"Father, I've been married to my wife for 60 years, and I've never been unfaithful. Until last weekend. The temptatition was just too much for me and I ended up in bed with 19 year old twin girls.".
The priest sits quietly for a moment before saying "Well, I'm not sure I can offer forgiveness for such an act".
"It's OK" replies the man "I'm not catholic anyway".
The priest is a little confused and asks "If you're not Catholic, then why are you telling me this?".
"Are you kidding me?" says the elderly gent

"I'm telling ****in' everyone!"

:D

Sadly a man's wife dies and he is left widowed, and feeling very alone. He decides to ease his pain he should buy a pet. So off he trots to the pet shop looking for something a little different. An hour later he goes home with a centipede in a little white box for a house. After tea he thinks it'd be nice to show his new pet off at his local. He walks up to the white box and says softly 'Hello, would you like to come to the pub with me?'. There is no reply and a moment later he asks again @Hello, can you hear me? Would you like to come for a pint?'. Still no answer. A little worried the man taps on the box and says loudly 'Oi! Are you OK? Are you coming to the pub?!'

'IN A MINUTE!' comes the reply 'I'M PUTTING MY ****ING SHOES ON!'
 
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7x4 inch pure white vellum quality envelope.
Highest quality finest pure thick parchment paper--with--
Olde english style black type.
Finished with a special edition commemorative stamp.

This is no ordinary letter !!!

This is an M & S Redundancy letter.
 
A young lad is walking along a pier, see's an
old man with his shoe's off, trousers rolled up,
legs dangling in the water and fishing with an
imaginary rod,
Puzzled, young man asks

'*** u doing'?

'Fishing for fanny's' says old man

'Sounds good', says young lad, 'can i join in'?

'Of course you can, pull up a pew', says old man

So he sits down and casts his imaginary rod

'So, How many fannys have u caught today then?'

Old man replies, 'Your the 3rd this Morning
 
Did you hear about the Irish magician?

He couldn't pull a rabbit out of the hat, so he pulled a hair out of his hole!
 
Gordon Brown was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr. Brown if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy.'

No, said Gordon - that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy'

I'm afraid not, explained Gordon - that's what we would call great loss'

The room went silent. No other children volunteered.

Gordon searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: 'If a plane carrying you and Alistair Darling was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Gordon. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a ******* accident either!
 
I bet my wife lastnight that she couldn't tell me something that was both good and bad at the same time.
My wife thought for a while then smiled and replied...

Your a much better love than all your mates.
 
A lorry carrying copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed on the M1 yesterday, shedding it's load
across the carriageway......... Onlookers are said to be stunned, bewildered, dumbfounded,
astonished, shocked, flabbergasted, startled, speechless and amazed.


.
 
Eric Mc said:
:lol::lol:
This thread can now be locked......there will never be a better joke posted in it:thumbs:
Click to expand...

Well I guess that means it was even funnier than when the same joke had "Tony Blare" (:D) as the target then :shrug: :D
 
Matt Sayle said:
My girlfriend asked me to console here before.
So i hit over the head with my XBOX :)
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Here before what Matt :shrug:

apart from that its quite funny..................for you anyway :D
 
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