The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Unexpectantly I found my brother wandering around completely naked.

He saw me and shouted, "Bloody hell close the the door!"

"Close the door?" I said, "How about you coming back into the house?"

Dave
 
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Made a cake today for the village hall fete.

The lady judge said, " Your cherries have dropped "

I said," So have your tits, but I'm not complaining"

I'll just make something out of wood next year.
 
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A WEALTHY Arab Sheikh visiting YORKSHIRE was suddenly taken to hospital after becoming seriously ill and he needed an emergency blood transfusion!

Unfortunately the sheikh had a very rare type of blood and the LGI didn’t have any in stock

After some frantic calls, a Yorkshire farmer from up in the dales is located who has the same blood type and he agrees to make his way to Leeds to donate some blood.

The Sheikh recieives the blood and begins to get better. He tells his assistant that he should send the farmer many lavish gifts as a show of his appreciation.

A few days later the Yorkshireman answers the door to be greeted with a brand new tractor, £250,000 in cash, a pouch full of diamonds and a life time supply of Yorkshire tea.

A couple of days later, the Sheikh begins to get ill again and the hospital have to phone the Yorkshireman, who was more than happy to donate some more blood .

After receiving the blood the Sheikh gets better and once again tells his assistant to send the Yorkshireman some gifts as a show of his appreciation but this time when the Yorkshireman opens his door all he receives is a Thank you card and a £10 voucher for Toby Carvery!

The Yorkshireman was shocked that the Sheikh did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before.

He phoned the Sheikh and asked him;

“What’s this all abart? I thought tha would be generous again, a thought that tha would gimme some more money and diamonds … but thas only given me a card and a chuffin 10 quid voucher ya tight get!”

The sheikh replied;

“Aye lad ya reyt, but av got Yorkshire blood in me veins nar!”
 
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THIS IS HOW THE SACKING WENT DOWN!
Good morning Mandy, now as you know I was head of the CPS.
I hid Jimmy's crimes for decades and then Charlie boy asked me to cover for his brother while his mom was still hanging around the gaff and then there was that big f*** up in Rotherham mate and at this point we're looking like the Mitchell brothers in the queen Vic on new year's eve with a body on the pub floor and no obvious weapon.
So ive had a word with my mate Hermer and he's told me he's got a few snouts on the inside who can guarantee you that if I sling enough s*** at ya ill get off scotfree and you won't be doing any bird! But you might have to be someone's bird on the inside for a few month's....sorry my inner cockney escaped for a second
Anyway, Charlie boy has all that s*** going on with Randy Andy so they'll all forget about Manky Mandy in a few weeks so all good.
Quiet word in your ear too... burn those pictures you've got of me before I slag you off in parliament this afternoon or ill have to epstien you in Wandsworth.
Ping sends his love and Vlad asked if you took his boys c&@£ring with ya .... that was a Christmas present and he wants it back.
Don't call me back ffs mate.
 
Last edited:
Mag1cp2x said:
THIS IS HOW THE SACKING WENT DOWN!
Good morning Mandy, now as you know I was head of the CPS.
I hid Jimmy's crimes for decades and then Charlie boy asked me to cover for his brother while his mom was still hanging around the gaff and then there was that big f*** up in Rotherham mate and at this point we're looking like the Mitchell brothers in the queen Vic on new year's eve with a body on the pub floor and no obvious weapon.
So ive had a word with my mate Hermer and he's told me he's got a few snouts on the inside who can guarantee you that if I sling enough s*** at ya ill get off scotfree and you won't be doing any bird! But you might have to be someone's bird on the inside for a few month's....sorry my inner cockney escaped for a second
Anyway, Charlie boy has all that s*** going on with Randy Andy so they'll all forget about Manky Mandy in a few weeks so all good.
Quiet word in your ear too... burn those pictures you've got of me before I slag you off in parliament this afternoon or ill have to epstien you in Wandsworth.
Ping sends his love and Vlad asked if you took his boys c&@£ring with ya .... that was a Christmas present and he wants it back.
Don't call me back ffs mate.
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