The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

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In Moscow, a man comes to a newsstand every day, scans the front page, and leaves disappointed.

One day, the vendor asks what he's looking for. The man says an obituary.

"But, Comrade, the obituaries are at the back."

The man replies, "Not the one I’m looking for."
 
Works for NY too!
 
I went to a pub yesterday evening and ordered a pint. As the landlord put my drink down, I asked him for the wifi code because I needed to check a message.

"Oh no" he said, "No wifi in here, people used to sit talking in pubs, about their day, their families, work, politics, music, the lot.
Now people just stare at their phones and it breaks my heart to see. Therefore, no wifi in this pub."

"You know what?" I replied, "You're right" and I put my phone away.

"Thank you", the landlord said "In this pub I want you to act as you would Fourty years ago".

So I lit a cigarette & gave him 50p for the pint.
 
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After trapping the lowland hagisses in the wild(s of the Sainsbury's fridge), they were duly stabbitted and doused in gravy alongside the neeps and tatties last night. No whisky though.
 
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