The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

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You know your supermarket is posh when you hear...
1. "Noah! You've had enough Manchego for one day" while another reads: "Don't we already have a wine thermometer dear?"
2. "This is a staff announcement: there has been a Champagne spillage in aisle four...oh no, my mistake, everyone calm down it's only Cava."
3. "Darling, do we need parmesan for both houses?"
4. "You know it's Waitrose when chocolate brioche is considered essential..."
5. "No Jennie you can't only serve olives at your tenth birthday party...now go and fetch a sirloin for the dog" and "Luciano behave!
Children these days... I blame the au pairs."
6. "Darling I don't think this parmesan will fit in the new parmesan grater"
7. "Quentin, find a cake I can pass off as homemade for the village fête."
8. "Daddy, does Lego have a silent T, like merlot?"
9. "Of course I would buy the smoked salmon, but it makes the Maserati smell like a fishmongers"
10. "Orlando, that is enough blueberries. I only need them to go on the top of the venison"
 
Two girls having coffee together, Lisa says “Isn’t that new milkman dishy?”
“Yes!” Says Sarah. “He’s gorgeous “
Lisa says “You know they reckon he’s had every woman in this street bar one!”
Sarah ponders for a moment and says “I bet it’s that stuck up cow at number 14!”
 
D-Mitch said:
You know your supermarket is posh when you hear...
1. "Noah! You've had enough Manchego for one day" while another reads: "Don't we already have a wine thermometer dear?"
2. "This is a staff announcement: there has been a Champagne spillage in aisle four...oh no, my mistake, everyone calm down it's only Cava."
3. "Darling, do we need parmesan for both houses?"
4. "You know it's Waitrose when chocolate brioche is considered essential..."
5. "No Jennie you can't only serve olives at your tenth birthday party...now go and fetch a sirloin for the dog" and "Luciano behave!
Children these days... I blame the au pairs."
6. "Darling I don't think this parmesan will fit in the new parmesan grater"
7. "Quentin, find a cake I can pass off as homemade for the village fête."
8. "Daddy, does Lego have a silent T, like merlot?"
9. "Of course I would buy the smoked salmon, but it makes the Maserati smell like a fishmongers"
10. "Orlando, that is enough blueberries. I only need them to go on the top of the venison"
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I’ve done number 7!
 
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May we all get what we want rather than what we deserve...
 
I answer unknown numbers on the land-line with "What?" IF I answer it!
 
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Whitefiver said:
I always answered "What have you broken now?" Life was diffierent then......
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The ring alert for when my wife called my mobile was Shirley Bassey's What Now My Love?
 
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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.” Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband came home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he came into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note. After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.

“She’s finally gone…yeah I know, about bloody time, I’m coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you…can’t wait to see you…we’ll do all the naughty things you like.”
He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote…

“I can see your feet. We’re outta bread: be back in five minutes.”..!
 
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