The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Last night whilst watching television I said to the wife "you know you're the absolute double of Jennifer Anniston".

She gave me a cheeky grin and said "really?" I said "yes sweetheart she's 9 stone and you're 18"

I truly appreciated everything the paramedics did last night. I'm in Ward 15, and I'd like some visitors...


Dave
 
Kier Starmer visits Saudi Arabia to strengthen economic ties between the Arab state and the UK


"Despite this man's appalling human rights record, his vile treatment towards vulnerable people and the utter disdain for his obligations under international law by cosying up to violent oppressors, we're willing to give this deal a chance.

I'm also acutely aware how this affects my nation's reputation worldwide" , added Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman.
 
A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch. A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by
itself."
 
A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"
 
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with, "A man once told me..."
 
I recall many years ago I went around to pick up a pal of mine. He was late as usual and in his haste he used his wife’s hair spray instead of his underarm deodorant!
 
Did the same sort of thing with my MiL but substituted superglue for her eye drops. Took her a month to see the funny side.
 
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