The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Heather was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends at the local golf course.
"Oh, no!" she suddenly exclaimed. "Look at the time! I have to get home and fix dinner for my husband. He'll be so annoyed if it's not ready on time."
When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg and a can of cat food.
With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg and garnished it with the lettuce leaf.
She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner.
To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it.
"Darling, this is the best dinner you have made me in 40 years of marriage! You can make this for me any day."
Needless to say, every golf day from then on, Heather made her husband the same dish.
She told her golf partners about it and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the clubhouse, and one of them said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit here so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?"

Heather stoically replied, "I didn't kill him, he fell off the window ledge while he was licking his arse!"
 
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Not a 'funny' in a good way perhaps:

This was in a packet that contained a piece of medical equipment I have.
It is interesting to note that in the first picture, the gloves you see are actually ambidextrous, like most surgical gloves.

Scroll down to the second picture and you will see why there is little hope for the human race if this is considered necessary...







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Just in case you weren't sure, here are some instructions:



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Scotland will always have that goal-kick they won after 4 minutes to look back on. Great times
 
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A taxi was driving through a lower class town area, in the back of the taxi was a lady and her 12 year old son, he said "Mum, why are all these ladies standing in shop doorways?
She said," oh, they're just waiting on their husband's coming home from work".
The taxi driver says "why don't you tell him the truth, they're on the game, they sell sex for money"!
The boy said "Is that true mum?, she says" I'm afraid so ".
The boy says," if one of these ladies has a baby, what happens to it?,
Mum says "It becomes a taxi driver……
 
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A nun gets up in the morning, comes out of her cell and walks down the corridor to the chapel.

She feels in good mood but every other nun she passes says, "I see you have got out of the bed on the wrong side this morning, sister"

As she meets the Mother Superior she says, "Reverend Mother, are you also going to tell me I have got out of the bed on the wrong side?"

The Mother Superior says, "No sister, I was going to say you appear to be wearing the bishop's shoes."

Dave
 
My paramedic team was called to an emergency. Before we took the patient to the hospital, I had a question for his wife. “Does your husband have any cardiac problems?” I asked.
“Yes,” she said with a note of concern. “His cardiologist just died.”
 
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I received an email yesterday trying to sell me field guides to wildlife.

One was the Princton Field Guide to Prehistoric Mammals.

I could understand it if they had left out the word 'Field' or included the word 'Fossils' at the end, but good luck with using that one in the field.

Dave
 
I got stopped by one of those market researchers the other day.
She said, "Do you mind if I ask you ten short questions?"
I said, "Okay, go on then."
"Have you ever suffered from a blackout?" she asked.
"I don't think so," I replied.
"And, finally" she said "question ten."
 
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