The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

I open the car door for Mrs Nod quite often. Especially when on holiday when I forget I'm driving a left hooker and open the right hand door in error!!!
 
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Coworkers nicknames :
DAISY - Some daisy’s in, some daisy isn’t.
KITKAT- Always taking a break.
BUTTER KNIFE - Not the sharpest tool in the box.
ARTHUR - Only does half a job.
MOTION LIGHT - Only works when someone walks past.
ET - always wants to go home.
SEAWEED - Floats around all day and smells awful.
LANTERN - Not very bright and has to be carried.
DECKCHAIR - Folds under pressure.
G SPOT - Can never be found.
FORESKIN - Disappears when things get hard.
 
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Too soon?

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Mag1cp2x said:
Coworkers nicknames :
DAISY - Some daisy’s in, some daisy isn’t.
KITKAT- Always taking a break.
BUTTER KNIFE - Not the sharpest tool in the box.
ARTHUR - Only does half a job.
MOTION LIGHT - Only works when someone walks past.
ET - always wants to go home.
SEAWEED - Floats around all day and smells awful.
LANTERN - Not very bright and has to be carried.
DECKCHAIR - Folds under pressure.
G SPOT - Can never be found.
FORESKIN - Disappears when things get hard.
Click to expand...
BLISTER - Only appears after the work's been done.
 
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1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminium can stuffed with celery?
17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
 
Mag1cp2x said:
Coworkers nicknames :
DAISY - Some daisy’s in, some daisy isn’t.
KITKAT- Always taking a break.
BUTTER KNIFE - Not the sharpest tool in the box.
ARTHUR - Only does half a job.
MOTION LIGHT - Only works when someone walks past.
ET - always wants to go home.
SEAWEED - Floats around all day and smells awful.
LANTERN - Not very bright and has to be carried.
DECKCHAIR - Folds under pressure.
G SPOT - Can never be found.
FORESKIN - Disappears when things get hard.
Click to expand...
DIESEL - Takes two hours to get going on a morning, and smokes continually all day.

and one from my time on the tools as a kid... The Chippie with only 4 fingers... KITKAT.
 
Mag1cp2x said:
Coworkers nicknames :
DAISY - Some daisy’s in, some daisy isn’t.
KITKAT- Always taking a break.
BUTTER KNIFE - Not the sharpest tool in the box.
ARTHUR - Only does half a job.
MOTION LIGHT - Only works when someone walks past.
ET - always wants to go home.
SEAWEED - Floats around all day and smells awful.
LANTERN - Not very bright and has to be carried.
DECKCHAIR - Folds under pressure.
G SPOT - Can never be found.
FORESKIN - Disappears when things get hard.
Click to expand...
We had
CLYDE - He wasn't bonny
THE HOSTAGE - When asked for anything, he'd reply "My hands are tied"
TETLEY - He had perforated eardrums
:LOL: :LOL:
 
The only repeatable one I remember was "Wimbledon"
Watching him trying to reverse an artic was like watching a set of tennis.
 
The one I heard was: 2-Stroke - takes a long time to get started and smokes a lot.

There was one where a guy was called Wayne Bruce so they called him Manbat haha :D
 
I'm pretty sure this is a repeat, but as the warm weather approaches its a heads up :D

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Mag1cp2x said:
Coworkers nicknames :
DAISY - Some daisy’s in, some daisy isn’t.
KITKAT- Always taking a break.
BUTTER KNIFE - Not the sharpest tool in the box.
ARTHUR - Only does half a job.
MOTION LIGHT - Only works when someone walks past.
ET - always wants to go home.
SEAWEED - Floats around all day and smells awful.
LANTERN - Not very bright and has to be carried.
DECKCHAIR - Folds under pressure.
G SPOT - Can never be found.
FORESKIN - Disappears when things get hard.
Click to expand...
THROMBOSIS - a bloody clot who causes obstructions.
 
A few more:

Noodles: thinks all jobs takes two minutes
Blister: appears when the hard work is done
Wheelbarrow: only works when pushed
Cordless: charges all night but only works for 2 hours
 
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