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The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )
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A man phones home from his office and says to his wife .”I have the chance to go fishing for a week .Its the opportunity of a lifetime .I have to leave right away ,Pack my clothes ,my fishing equipment ,and especially my blue silk pyjamas.I’ll be home in an hour to pick them up”. The man rushes home to grab everything .He hugs his wife,apologises for the short notice,and then hurries off.A week later ,the man returns and his wife asks ,” Did you have a good trip dear ?” The man replies.” Yep,the fishing was great....but you forgot to pack my blue silk pyjamas “. His Wife Smiles And Says,” OH,NO I DID’NT ....”I PUT THEM IN YOUR TACKLE BOX!”.
Brazo
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There’s a great scene in Phoneix Nights…
Brazo
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Guessing this is North America if a person weighs 250kg!
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Even the news is being repeated, I saw this the other day, It's OK it all ends well
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ancient_mariner
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Sixth-grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: “Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?”
Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way.
“Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?”
Mary stands up, blushing furiously. “How dare you ask such a question?” she says. “I’m going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!”
Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary’s reaction, but undaunted. She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.
“Yes, Sam?” says Mrs. Sampson. “Ma’am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye.”
“Very good, Sam. Thank you.”
Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it’s clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."
Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way.
“Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?”
Mary stands up, blushing furiously. “How dare you ask such a question?” she says. “I’m going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!”
Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary’s reaction, but undaunted. She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.
“Yes, Sam?” says Mrs. Sampson. “Ma’am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye.”
“Very good, Sam. Thank you.”
Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it’s clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."
ancient_mariner
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ancient_mariner
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ancient_mariner
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I don't think you need to be extensively polyglot to understand this one.
ancient_mariner
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One ore for the day.
Cordy
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An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my garden.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, so I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my garden, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.
This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar.
'He lives in a home, with my non-stop chatting and nagging wife, he's trying to catch up on his sleep.
Can I also come with him tomorrow?'
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, so I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my garden, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.
This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar.
'He lives in a home, with my non-stop chatting and nagging wife, he's trying to catch up on his sleep.
Can I also come with him tomorrow?'
