The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

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It snowed last night.

8:00 am: I made a snowman.

8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snow woman.

8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 - My feminist neighbour complained about the snow woman’s voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.

8:22 - The transgender man…women…person asked why I didn’t just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .

8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.

8:42 - The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 - TV news crew from BBC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied “Snowballs” and am now called a sexist.

9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.

9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.

By noon it had melted

Moral: There is no moral to this story. It all happened because of snowflakes! !
 
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So Mrs Brown says to Mrs Smith, "How is that whenever you put your washing out on the line, it's a nice dry breezy day?" "You don't put your washing out and it rains?"

Mrs smith says "Well, what I do is in the morning I pull back the sheets a little and take a peek at my man's todger"

"If it's laying to the left, it's gonna be a bad day for washing, could be showers and no breeze"

"If it's laying to the right, it's gonna be a nice bright breezy day, so I put the washing out"

"What if it's standing straight up?" ask Mrs Brown.

"Hell, who want's to do any washing on a day like that!" declares Mrs Smith!!
 
Apparently the C.I.A's default torture method (waterboarding) has been superseded after 2 agents in the UK spent 10 mins in a queue in Iceland
listening to Mariah Carey singing 'Santa Claus is coming to town' !
 
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A Labour politician, a BBC TV reporter and a British SAS soldier were captured by ISIS...​

They were, as usual, sentenced to death by beheading.

Unexpectedly, the ISIS leader said they could have one last request before their sentence was carried out...

The Labour politician asked to hear a rendering of "Keep the Red Flag Flying Here".

The BBC TV reporter asked that the beheading be televised so that even when she was dead, her face was still on TV.

The British SAS soldier asked to be kicked three times in the arse hard.

As the SAS soldiers request was unusual, ISIS decided to carry his request out first.

As the kick landed, the SAS soldier pulled a hidden 9mm Glock pistol out of his smock, shot three terrorists dead.

He then grabbed one of the fallen terrorists AK47s and shot dead the rest of the terrorists.

The other two prisoners were amazed, and asked why he requested to be kicked three times before he drew his weapon.

"Because" said the soldier "When we get back to the UK. I don't want you f*****g pair of politically correct clowns saying it was an "unprovoked attack"..
 
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View: https://BANNED/johnhackerla/status/1605804104009142272?s=46&t=NZyiCKTgQeA2FeCLPcM4nw
 
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