The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

ancient_mariner said:
My apologies if that was not a request.......
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No, my joke was anonymously and, imo very immaturely, edited from being about The Labour Party having to cancel etc., to it being about The Conservative Party.
I wouldn’t dream of altering others jokes whatever I think of them.
But it’s understandable, I suppose, and was expected as it happened once before. After all Socialists are not renowned for their joie de vivre
 
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Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day.

Teach a man the paradoxes of quantum mechanics and he can give himself the same fish over and over again for eternity.
 
A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck. "Darling, I have great news - I'm a month overdue. I think were going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody." The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the door-bell, because the young couple hasn't paid their last bill. "Are you Mrs Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!" "How do you know?" stammers the young woman. "Well, ma'am, its in our files!" says the man from the electric company. "What are you saying? It's in your files???" "Absolutely." "Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight." That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next morning. "What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts. "Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us." "Pay you? And if I refuse?" "Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off." "And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks. "I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle
 
Can tell it’s getting cold just went out in the garden and tripped over some doggy poo
 
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Two T-Rexes fighting over a saw bench as the asteroid approaches.
 
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