The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

The fraud squad arrested a man today for selling secret formula tablets for eternal life.
It was actually the fourth time he'd been caught committing the same scam.
He'd previously been apprehended in 1764, 1848 and 1923 ...
 
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A man in the Aussie Outback wakes up one morning to find a deadly drop bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough..there's an ad for "Macca's Drop Bear Removers."
He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The drop bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a cricket bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and I’ll knock the b*****d off the roof with this cricket bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the b****r knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
 
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Piglet gets a bit of a hard time!!!


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So....anybody interested in a ride in a helicopter for 4 people, breakfast and then lunch on a yacht on the West Coast. I'm still looking for 2 more adults to join us. We leave early Saturday morning (February 19th) from the Golf Club here in Culter and will fly to Inverness where we will have breakfast then onto having lunch on the yacht just off Skye. We will then be flying to Braemar returning to the Culter Golf Club for dinner. If interested please message me. Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go.......
 
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Well, ignore #5...
 
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Just been offered a Patek Phillipe watch for £50. Bet it's a wind up.
 
I got really drunk last week and the barmaid told me I'd regret drinking that much in the morning. I stayed asleep until noon - problem solved!
 
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