ancient_mariner
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- Toni
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If you're a vegan then people who sell meat may be gross, but people who sell vegetables are grocer.
and help to keep the site free for all
The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )
- Thread starter Cobra
- Start date
welshwizard645
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- Peter
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My dog Minton ate a whole box of shuttlecocks last week.
Bad Minton
Bad Minton
Sky
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- Name
- Trevor
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This is where technology is taking us:
Hello! Is this Gordon's Pizza?
No sir, it's Google's Pizza.
Did I dial the wrong number?
No sir, Google bought the pizza store.
Oh, alright - then I’d like to place an order please.
Okay sir, do you want the usual?
The usual? You know what my usual is?
According to the caller ID, the last 15 times you’ve ordered a 12-slice with double-cheese, sausage, and thick crust.
Okay - that’s what I want this time too.
May I suggest that this time you order an 8-slice with ricotta, arugula, and tomato instead?
No, I hate vegetables.
But your cholesterol is not good.
How do you know?
Through the subscribers guide. We have the results of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
Maybe so, but I don’t want the pizza you suggest – I already take medicine for high cholesterol.
But you haven’t taken the medicine regularly. 4 months ago you purchased from Boots a box of only 30 tablets.
I bought more from another chemist.
It's not showing on your credit card sir.
I paid in cash.
But according to your bank statement you did not withdraw that much cash.
I have another source of cash.
This is not showing on your last tax form, unless you got it from an undeclared income source.
WHAT THE HELL? ENOUGH! I'm sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, and WhatsApp. I'm going to an island without internet, where there’s no cellphone line, and no one to spy on me ...
I understand sir, but you’ll need to renew your passport ... it expired 5 weeks ago
Hello! Is this Gordon's Pizza?
No sir, it's Google's Pizza.
Did I dial the wrong number?
No sir, Google bought the pizza store.
Oh, alright - then I’d like to place an order please.
Okay sir, do you want the usual?
The usual? You know what my usual is?
According to the caller ID, the last 15 times you’ve ordered a 12-slice with double-cheese, sausage, and thick crust.
Okay - that’s what I want this time too.
May I suggest that this time you order an 8-slice with ricotta, arugula, and tomato instead?
No, I hate vegetables.
But your cholesterol is not good.
How do you know?
Through the subscribers guide. We have the results of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
Maybe so, but I don’t want the pizza you suggest – I already take medicine for high cholesterol.
But you haven’t taken the medicine regularly. 4 months ago you purchased from Boots a box of only 30 tablets.
I bought more from another chemist.
It's not showing on your credit card sir.
I paid in cash.
But according to your bank statement you did not withdraw that much cash.
I have another source of cash.
This is not showing on your last tax form, unless you got it from an undeclared income source.
WHAT THE HELL? ENOUGH! I'm sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, and WhatsApp. I'm going to an island without internet, where there’s no cellphone line, and no one to spy on me ...
I understand sir, but you’ll need to renew your passport ... it expired 5 weeks ago
Krisstiffer
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- Chris
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Reminded me of this....... Is it just me that sees the irony in wearing a hi-vis jacket over camouflage gear.......
Krisstiffer
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- Chris
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- Ingrid
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A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'
Sky
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- Trevor
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A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said £50.00.
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
"New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
"Hi Keith."
There was a sign on the cage that said £50.00.
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
"New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
"Hi Keith."
Sky
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- Name
- Trevor
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Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Rum Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please save it as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year.
Sample a cup of Rum to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Rum again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the Rum is still OK, so try another cup just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it.
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver Sample the Rum to test for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the Rum once more. Now s*** shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the fekin window. Finish of the Rum and wipe the counter with the fekin cat. Sorted!
- 1 cup sugar
- half pound butter
- 1 tsp. baking powder,
- 1 cup water
- 1 tsp. salt
- 1 cup brown sugar
- Lemon juice
- 4 large eggs
- Nuts
- 1 bottle Rum
- 2 cups dried fruit
- 4 cups self raising flour.
Sample a cup of Rum to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Rum again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the Rum is still OK, so try another cup just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it.
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver Sample the Rum to test for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the Rum once more. Now s*** shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the fekin window. Finish of the Rum and wipe the counter with the fekin cat. Sorted!
JohnC6
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- John
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The house a few doors away is rented and a few years ago..six or seven...time flies..a very amiable young man lived there with his girlfriend and I never saw him without his Beannie hat on. He'd go away for days on end. I'd sometimes see him wheeling huge amps into and out of his large transit van along with other 'stage' equipment. I went to chat to him one day when he was on the drive (I have a bit of kit myself)..and turns out he's a 'roadie' and said he'd just been with Lemmy. Not wishing to appear ignorant..lol I nodded ,knowingly I knew the name but could't recall which heavy metal/Rock band he was with. It was,of course Mortörhead
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- Nod (UK)
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