The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

I didn't know there was such a phobia. Being watched by a duck ? Really ? :rolleyes: Surely it's a joke phobia ? I'd have thought a fear of birds (in general)would have covered it...ornithobia. A lot of people suffer from that.
 
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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.
The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years'
'I remember that, too' she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have got out today.
 
We've had these starships for a couple or so years now, making small deliveries.

They are definitely plotting something ...

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Sorry, but I need to vent!!!!
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Not only am I drained. I experienced the WORST customer service yesterday at a shop in town.
I don't want to mention the name of the shop because I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed.
Last night I bought something from this shop. I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it didn't work.
So last night , less than 24 hours later I took it back to the shop and asked if I could get a refund.
The girl in the shop told me “NO” even though I still had the receipt. I asked if I could get a replacement instead then. Again this person told me "NO."
I asked to talk to a manager now as I'm really not happy and I explained that I had just bought the item, had got it home and it didn't work.
The manager just smiled and told me to my face that I was "OUT OF LUCK."
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No refund. No FREE replacement. Grrrrrrrrr.
I’ll tell you what...I am NEVER buying another Lottery Ticket from there again .…..
 
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."
 
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