The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Husband’s call to his wife:
"Honey it's me. I don't want to alarm you but I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have checked me over and done some tests and some x-rays. The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately it did not cause any serious internal injury. However I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they think they may have to amputate my right foot."
Wife’s Response:
"Who the f… is Paula?"
And if you find that hard to believe, you've never been married.
 
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And in a similar vein...

In the seventies in Frankfurt, a PAN-AM clipper had to ask repeated instructions to Ground. After the third time, a slightly miffed voice from Ground asked: "PAN-AM XXX, you nefer komm to Frankfurt before?"
A southern drawl slowly shot back the reply: "Son, I did come to Frankfurt a dozen times in '44, but I never landed..."
 
Yes, I do know what day it is
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1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory....
I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and
'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try
Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!
 
Possibly NSFW.

THIS is why you should NEVER stand too close to the end of a railway tunnel.
 
Ailurophobes. ;)
 
Krisstiffer said:
Roman soldier walks into a pub, holds up two fingers and says “Five pints please”.
Click to expand...
Another Roman soldier comes into the pub and says, "Martinus, please."
Barman says, " Martini? "
"No, just a single."
 
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A family were sitting at the table eating dinner.
Suddenly the young lad asks "Where does Pooh come from."

The father being a little flustered by the question decides to answer it honestly.
He goes on to explain about the digestive tract and and finally the "product" exiting the body.

By the end the lad is sat there wide eyed,
and can barely respond, but he manages to stammer out

"and ... and.... and .... Tigger?
 
We've not had one of these for awhile

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