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The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )
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Earley Man
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A newly qualified teacher, who had perviously only lived in an urban environment, obtained her first teaching post in a country village which was surrounded by farmland. She was given a class of 10/11 year olds and all went well for the first three weeks. During the fourth week one of the boys turned up around 9. 30, looked at her, said "the usual Miss" and sat down.
Since the other children accepted this with no comment she carried on with the lesson. A couple of weeks later the same thing, but with a different boy, happened again and although puzzled, she carried on with the lesson.
The following week a third boy did the same, but this time, determined to find out what was going on, she asked the boy why he and the others had arrived late. His answer was "taking the sow to the boar Miss."
Appalled at this answer she said "That is disgusting, can't your father do it?" The boy replied "Oh no Miss, it has to be the boar!"
Since the other children accepted this with no comment she carried on with the lesson. A couple of weeks later the same thing, but with a different boy, happened again and although puzzled, she carried on with the lesson.
The following week a third boy did the same, but this time, determined to find out what was going on, she asked the boy why he and the others had arrived late. His answer was "taking the sow to the boar Miss."
Appalled at this answer she said "That is disgusting, can't your father do it?" The boy replied "Oh no Miss, it has to be the boar!"
A new manager arrives at his work to replace a recently fired manager.
On his way out, the outgoing manager hands the new manager three envelopes and remarks, "When things get tough, open these one at a time."
Three months go by and things start to get rough. The manager opens his drawer where he keeps the three envelopes and opens the first one.
The note inside reads: "Blame your predecessor." He does and it works like a charm.
Three more months pass and things are growing difficult again so the manager opens envelope two. It reads, "Reorganise."
Again, his predecessor's advice works like magic.
Finally, nine months into the new job, things are getting really sticky.
The manager figures it worked before, why not try again. So he opens the envelope drawer one last time and opens the third envelope. the note reads..."Prepare three envelopes."
On his way out, the outgoing manager hands the new manager three envelopes and remarks, "When things get tough, open these one at a time."
Three months go by and things start to get rough. The manager opens his drawer where he keeps the three envelopes and opens the first one.
The note inside reads: "Blame your predecessor." He does and it works like a charm.
Three more months pass and things are growing difficult again so the manager opens envelope two. It reads, "Reorganise."
Again, his predecessor's advice works like magic.
Finally, nine months into the new job, things are getting really sticky.
The manager figures it worked before, why not try again. So he opens the envelope drawer one last time and opens the third envelope. the note reads..."Prepare three envelopes."
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Every so often I remember ... and break out in a cold sweat!
I may well resemble those remarks... Can't be 100% sure though.
Jelster
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Paddy & Mick were working on a building site, and the foreman asks "Paddy, the boss wants another one of those flag poles like we have out the front, so can you check how high it is please? Take Mick with you"
Paddy starts to try and shin himself up the pole, but he can't even get half way before he starts to slide down. They both look at the pole scratching their heads, then Mick says "I know, let's take out of the ground, lay it down and measure it that way"
"Don't be stupid" says Paddy "He wants the height, not the width!"
Paddy starts to try and shin himself up the pole, but he can't even get half way before he starts to slide down. They both look at the pole scratching their heads, then Mick says "I know, let's take out of the ground, lay it down and measure it that way"
"Don't be stupid" says Paddy "He wants the height, not the width!"
saltireblue
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Bloke goes for a job on a building site. The foreman is on the scaffolding, 10 floors up. During the chat about the job the foreman leans over the side and shouts down, "Green side up!!" After doing this a couple of times the bloke asks why he is doing it, as he's never heard that before on a site.
"We have Paddy & Mick laying turf" replied the foreman.
"We have Paddy & Mick laying turf" replied the foreman.
kennethwfd
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Buggered if I could find the bouncy castle !
