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The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )
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welshwizard645
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My girlfriend says I am so tight, so to prove her wrong I'm taking her out for tea and biscuits this afternoon..
It should be quite exciting as she has never given blood before!
It should be quite exciting as she has never given blood before!
welshwizard645
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Just been reading a book called 'Drilling and Tunnelling'.
Had to put it away as it was too boring.
Had to put it away as it was too boring.
welshwizard645
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My girlfriend just said to me 'you are too easily pleased!'
I was delighted with that!
I was delighted with that!
welshwizard645
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When my dad said "I'm going to set you up for life" I was really excited for the future.
Until he framed me for murder.
Until he framed me for murder.
welshwizard645
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Two guys were out walking home from work one afternoon.
"Mate." the first guy said "as soon as I get home I'm gonna rip my wife's panties off!"
"What's the rush?" his buddy asked.
"The damned elastic is killing me!"
"Mate." the first guy said "as soon as I get home I'm gonna rip my wife's panties off!"
"What's the rush?" his buddy asked.
"The damned elastic is killing me!"
You know you are getting old when the noises you used to make in bed are now the noises you make getting out of bed.
Tori_T
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scottishguy
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munch
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That was actually in the village I live in. (And no it wasn't me that did it.)
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ancient_mariner
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Last edited:
Sky
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The Royal College of Nursing has weighed in on Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals for the National Health Service.
The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the
Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up."
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the
Radiologists could see right through it.
The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Ear Nose and Throat specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn't hear of it.
The Pharmacists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the
Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the
Urologists were p***ed off at the whole idea.
The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the
Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in Whitehall.
The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the
Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up."
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the
Radiologists could see right through it.
The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Ear Nose and Throat specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn't hear of it.
The Pharmacists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the
Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the
Urologists were p***ed off at the whole idea.
The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the
Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in Whitehall.
Sky
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A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On
the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their
situation.
After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well, sister,
this looks pretty grim."
"I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can
survive more than a day or two."
"I agree," says the Father. "Sister, since we are unlikely to make
it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"
"Anything, Father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might
see yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."
The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her
shapely breast commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Sister, would you mind if I touched them?"
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes, Sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
"I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied, lifting his robe.
"Oh Father, may I touch it?" This time the priest consented and
after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it
can produce life."
"Is that true Father?"
"Yes, it is, Sister."
"Oh, Father, that's wonderful. Stick it up the camels arse and let's get the hell out of here!"
the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their
situation.
After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well, sister,
this looks pretty grim."
"I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can
survive more than a day or two."
"I agree," says the Father. "Sister, since we are unlikely to make
it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"
"Anything, Father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might
see yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."
The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her
shapely breast commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Sister, would you mind if I touched them?"
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes, Sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
"I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied, lifting his robe.
"Oh Father, may I touch it?" This time the priest consented and
after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it
can produce life."
"Is that true Father?"
"Yes, it is, Sister."
"Oh, Father, that's wonderful. Stick it up the camels arse and let's get the hell out of here!"
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Sorry! Actually you are responding to a post I deleted as soon as I posted as I realised I’d confuse who made the “did it” commentOh no he didn't!
Mr. Punch is generally a he.
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