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The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )
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cymruchris
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Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,
"He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,
"He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there?
It's crowded and dirty..
You're crazy to go to Rome ..
So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser..
" That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place.
Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser.
You and a million other people trying to see him.
He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours.
You're going to need it..."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.
The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class.
The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great!
They'd just finished a £5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!
I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said: "Who the heck did that to your hair?"
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there?
It's crowded and dirty..
You're crazy to go to Rome ..
So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser..
" That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place.
Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser.
You and a million other people trying to see him.
He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours.
You're going to need it..."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.
The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class.
The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great!
They'd just finished a £5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!
I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said: "Who the heck did that to your hair?"
