The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Cockney said:
Was it the Rolling Stones who brought out an album that said on the cover."only clean with Emery paper".
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I just went looking for that. Didn't find anything about the Stones cover, but it seems fine sandpaper is a way to repair scratches on f***ed up records (the "what have you got to lose" ones).
 
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My daughter was doing her homework asked me what i knew about Galileo. I said all I know is he was a poor boy from a poor family.
 
I went to the pet shop and the owner said he had a talking centipede for sale. I said ‘no way, centipedes don’t talk.’ The owner promised me it was a talking centipede so I purchased it and took it home with me.

A little later in that evening I went up to its tank and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ The centipede said nothing, I scoffed and went to the pub.

The next evening I thought I’d give it another try so I went to its tank again and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ Still absolutely no response from the centipede, so I went on my way, cursing the pet shop owner.

The following evening I thought I would give it one more try, so I went over to its tank and asked ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ The centipede replied ‘I heard you the first time I’m just putting my friggin shoes on’
 
A Fiat 500 pulled alongside a Rolls-Royce at a traffic light. "Do you have a car phone?" asked the driver of the Fiat. "Of course I do," replied the haughty deluxe-car driver. "Well, do you have a fax machine?" The driver of the Rolls sighed, "I have that too." "Then do you have a double bed in the trunk?" the Fiat driver wanted to know. Embarrassed, the Rolls driver sped off. That afternoon, he ordered a mechanic to install a double bed in the trunk. A week later the Rolls driver passed the same Fiat 500 parked on the side of the road with the back windows fogged up and steam pouring out. The arrogant driver pulls over, gets out of the Rolls, and bangs on the Fiat's back window until the driver sticks his head out. "I wanted to tell you I have a double bed installed," says the proud Rolls driver. The Fiat driver is unimpressed, "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!"
 
**Mod edited**
There is enough political crap and point scoring in other forums without it spilling over in to what is supposed to be a light hearted thread
Thanks (y)
 
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