The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Seems you bacon lovers might be Cannibals :D:ppig.jpg
 
Kind of a cool way to take a casket to the cemetery.

A funeral procession pulled into Cemetery.
Several car loads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it.

A passer-by remarked,

"That guy must have been an avid fisherman."

"Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners.

"As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife.

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Paddy was on his deathbed and knew the end was near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast.
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak:

"My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra."

"My daughter Geraldine, you take the apartments over in Malone Road."

"My son Patrick Junior, I want you to take the offices in the City centre."

"Bridget, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road ."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of Paddy's wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife, " Mrs O'Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property"..

"Property?”, his wife replies. “The
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had a window cleaning round."
 
I am now proud to announce that I am selling Adult toys. I hope no one is embarrassed to ask for them. I have all kinds, sizes and styles according to your needs. Discretion is guaranteed!! Inbox me if you have any questions. I have everything listed below...

Zimmer frames, wheelchairs, oxygen tanks, walking stick/canes, disposable nappies etc etc. What was your dirty mind thinking?
 
A pretty woman walks up to the bar in a quiet rural watering hole. She motions to the bartender, who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," the man replied."

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or towels in the ladies room."
 
Cobra said:
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Reminds me of

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties to perform. Terry had married a woman from Kent and bragged that he had told her to do the dishes and all the cleaning in the house. He said it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and all the dishes were washed and put away.

James had married a woman from Norfolk and he bragged that he had given his new wife orders to do all the cleaning, the dishes and the cooking. He told them the first day he hadn’t seen any results, but the next day it was better and by the third day his house was clean, the dishes done and there was a huge meal on the table.

The third man said he had married a Stokie girl. He boasted that the duties he had ordered her to do were to keep the house cleaned, the dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table every day.
He said that on the first day he didn’t see anything,
The second day he didn’t see anything either,
But on the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little bit out of his left eye. Enough to make himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and call a gardener.
 
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(I actually know someone that did this and I nearly wet my self laughing, was I bad? :D )
 
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Cobra said:
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(I actually know someone that did this and I nearly wet my self laughing, was I bad? :D )
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I know someone who, despite repeated warnings, tried to climb over one. "It only works with animals, it doesn't affect humAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRGGGGHHHHHHH!"
 
Cobra said:
(I actually know someone that did this and I nearly wet my self laughing, was I bad? :D )
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I once rested a telescopic lens on one...
 
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