The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Nod said:
Only in German cars.

Oddly, the local parking enforcers (or whatever traffic wardens are called this week...) don't recognise the legality of yellow parking flashers, much to their occupants' chagrin. The ones here even issue tickets to foreign registered ones.
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Is that a post Brexit vote thing?
Seems perfectly reasonable to me.
 
The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M4 Motorway near Bridgend recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorrys, while only 2% were killed by cars.

The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry"
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And a topical one :)

I hurt my arm this morning and had to go to hospital for an x-ray, as I was sitting waiting to be seen, the lad next to me says," Fair fae yer honest sonsieface! Great chieftain o' the puddin race!!"
I was like, eh?!?!., I turned my head round to the the lady sat on my other side, she said, " ! Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie!"

I grabbed the next doc walking past I said, "here mate is this the psychiatric ward?"

Wait for it ...
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He says," no this is the Burns unit" !
 
A group of guys all turning 40 discussed where they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini skirts.

Ten years later at age 50 the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive the food and service was good and the Beer selection was excellent.

Ten years leter at age 60 the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed they would meet in Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music and it was good value for money.

Ten years later at age 70 the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later at age 80 the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet in Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.
 
Hurt my arm yesterday morning and had to go to hospital for an x-ray, as I was sitting waiting to be seen, the lad next to me says," Fair fae yer honest sonsieface! Great chieftain o' the puddin race!!" I was like, eh?!?!.,
I turned my head round to the the lady sat on my other side, she said, " ! Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie!",

I said to the next doctor walking past , "Excuse me, is this the psychiatric ward?" To which he replied ............................"no sorry this is the burns unit"
 
Quoth said:
Reminds me of a spelling test at school when we had to spell "chalk"... Half the class wrote "Crayola" which was the brand name written large on the box of chalk on the teacher's desk :)
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Or the old classic:
Teacher: "Paddy, spell 'Farm'."
Paddy: "E, I, E, I, O."
 
How do you know the lead guitarist is at the door?
He's got the wrong key and doesn't know when to come in.
 
What's got 4 legs and hangs around musicians?

The drummer and bassist.
 
How do you know the stage is level?

The drummer drools from both sides of his mouth.
 
Colonoscopy

All the organs of the body were having a meeting
Trying to decide who was the one in charge.




"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."





"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."




"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."




"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."




"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."





"I should be in charge," said the rectum,"Because I'm responsible for waste removal."




All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
And insulted him,
So in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache
The stomach was bloated,
The legs got wobbly,
The eyes got watery,
And the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss




The Moral of the story?
Even though the others do all the work..
The ass hole is usually in charge
 
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Thought I'd lost my lead in the national foreskin stretching championships this morning but Ive managed to pull it back. :cautious:
 
How do you circumcise a whale....... Send down 4 skin divers...[emoji228]
 
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