The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Today marks 6 months without drinking a drop of canned drinks, or any kinds of fizzy drinks or Jack Daniels ! 6 months without eating bread, cake or anything sweet. The change in my body has been fantastic, I feel great, I lost weight and my way of thinking is very positive... I'm looking to keep this up and go for more. Because I choose to!... No alcohol, eating healthy and above all, an hour of exercise every day!!!
I don't know who's status this is, but I was happy for them so I copied and pasted it. You can too.
 
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I remember watching this this excellent porn video back in 2002 so I tried to find it on the internet.
In hindsight typing "14 year old porn" into Google wasn't my smartest idea.
 
Professor1991 said:
I remember watching this this excellent porn video back in 2002
Click to expand...
Yeah I know I did something similar ...
With hindsight I should have posted my facebook status as "I have blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just f***ed a 13 year old escort".
The police still haven't seen the funny side. My laptop has been confiscated and the missus and daughter are staying at her mums.
(yes I know its an old one)


But on a lighter note ...

Sons says to father "Dad. I'm gay"
Dad said to other son "What about you?" "I'm gay too" came the reply!

Dad said "Does any one in this family like fanny?"
"I do!" said the daughter
 
Llamaman said:
Why have they swapped sides in the middle of the conversation?
Click to expand...


They've turned their pillows as well! (Or the wuck *it picture editor has put the slide in backwards... Again!)
 
Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'Fat chance, with a face like that!'
 
mikew said:
Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'Fat chance, with a face like that!'
Click to expand...
Was she reading an Anne Summers catalogue by any chance?
:D
 
A useful tip as the weather gets colder guys :thumbs:

An amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day.
The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
the mother replied "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold."
The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."
He did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold."
The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up."
He did and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"
The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"
 
groan
 
Looks like Danny Baker!
 
A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.
"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
Silence fell... then everyone turned to the masochist and asked:"So, what's it gonna be?"
To which he replied, "Meow!"
 
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