The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When this becomes apparent, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled this situation with my wife, Carol. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.
Shortly after she started working,
I noticed she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from the golf club about
the same time she gets home from work

Although she knows how hungry I am,
she almost always says she has to rest
for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.
I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her
time and just wake me when she gets dinner
on the table.
I generally have lunch in the Grill at the golf club,
so eating out is not an option for us in the evening.
I'm ready for some home-cooked food when I walk
through that door. She used to do the dishes
as soon as we finished eating but now it's not
unusual for them to sit on the table for several
hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her
several times each evening that they won't clean
themselves. I know she really appreciates this,
as it does seem to motivate her to get them done
before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of ageing is complaining, I think.
For example, she will say that it is difficult for her
to find time to pay the monthly bills during her
lunch hour, but chaps, we take them for better or
worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement.
I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days.
That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also
remind her that missing lunch completely now
and then would help her figure.. I like to think tact
is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she
needs more rest periods. She had to take a break
when she was only half-finished mowing the lawn.
I tried not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I told
her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly
squeezed orange juice, and just relax for a while.
And, as long as she is making one for herself,
she might as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way
I support Carol. I'm not saying that showing this
much patience & consideration is easy. Many men
would find it difficult if not impossible. Nobody
knows better than I do how frustrating women get
as they get older.
However, Chaps, even if you just use a little more tact
and less criticism of your ageing wife as a result of
reading this article, I will consider that writing it
was well worthwhile.
After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Ron died suddenly of a perforated rectum shortly
after publishing this letter.
The police report says he was found with a Calloway
extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed
up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing.
A sledge hammer was laying nearby.
His wife Carol, was arrested and charged with murder.
The all-woman jury took only 9 minutes to find her
"Not Guilty", accepting her defense that Ron, somehow,
without looking, accidentally fell down on his golf club.
 
mikew said:
ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When this becomes apparent, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled this situation with my wife, Carol. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.
Shortly after she started working,
I noticed she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from the golf club about
the same time she gets home from work

Although she knows how hungry I am,
she almost always says she has to rest
for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.
I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her
time and just wake me when she gets dinner
on the table.
I generally have lunch in the Grill at the golf club,
so eating out is not an option for us in the evening.
I'm ready for some home-cooked food when I walk
through that door. She used to do the dishes
as soon as we finished eating but now it's not
unusual for them to sit on the table for several
hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her
several times each evening that they won't clean
themselves. I know she really appreciates this,
as it does seem to motivate her to get them done
before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of ageing is complaining, I think.
For example, she will say that it is difficult for her
to find time to pay the monthly bills during her
lunch hour, but chaps, we take them for better or
worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement.
I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days.
That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also
remind her that missing lunch completely now
and then would help her figure.. I like to think tact
is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she
needs more rest periods. She had to take a break
when she was only half-finished mowing the lawn.
I tried not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I told
her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly
squeezed orange juice, and just relax for a while.
And, as long as she is making one for herself,
she might as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way
I support Carol. I'm not saying that showing this
much patience & consideration is easy. Many men
would find it difficult if not impossible. Nobody
knows better than I do how frustrating women get
as they get older.
However, Chaps, even if you just use a little more tact
and less criticism of your ageing wife as a result of
reading this article, I will consider that writing it
was well worthwhile.
After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Ron died suddenly of a perforated rectum shortly
after publishing this letter.
The police report says he was found with a Calloway
extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed
up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing.
A sledge hammer was laying nearby.
His wife Carol, was arrested and charged with murder.
The all-woman jury took only 9 minutes to find her
"Not Guilty", accepting her defense that Ron, somehow,
without looking, accidentally fell down on his golf club.
Click to expand...
There's 2 minutes of my life I won't get back :p
 
My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
 
14856191_981476428645826_899826976878666560_o.jpg
 
NEWS
Llandudno has cancelled their 2016 firworks display due to rockerting insurnace.:)
 
G.K.Jnr. said:
Nope @Cobra is correct. Its Sunday morning 2am officially when the clocks go back.
Click to expand...

You're quite correct of course, but I for one will (probably) not be staying up until 2am to put the clocks back!
Far more sensible to put them back before I go to bed in the first place :-)
 
I'll do the ones that don't do it automatically tomorrow. Might do the cooker and microwave a bit later this evening because we never look at them for the time anyway! All my cameras stay set to GMT so that'll save me a few minutes!
 
OOH - thanks for reminding me about that - it's the one important thing that doesn't do itself :(

I'll need to do it in the morning before I leave home
 
Shirleyr said:
The clock in the car is a bit of a fiddle.
Click to expand...
Yes. I usually get that done just before we have to change them back.

Although if you read the new car thread, modern cars probably adjust themselves. If they can park themselves these days, I can imagine a mechanical arm coming out of the dash board and pressing H, H, H, M, M, M, M... until it tells the right time again.
 
Last edited:
The clocks that adjust themselves can get on with it when they're ready, and I'll change the one in the sitting room and my watch in the morning. I've never bothered to set the clocks in my cameras, and I'm pretty sure the ones on the microwave and in the car don't work anyway...

One thing about this puzzles me though. It's about 7 - 8 weeks from now until the shortest day, so why don't we change them back 7 - 8 weeks after that, towards the end of February?
 
MartynK said:
One thing about this puzzles me though. It's about 7 - 8 weeks from now until the shortest day, so why don't we change them back 7 - 8 weeks after that, towards the end of February?
Click to expand...
Because they don't want you to.
 
Trying to spot the difference, hmmm, nope.

faragedog.jpg
 
Both look like they're slightly less full of s*** than they were a moment ago but still fuller than they will be in a moment or 2!

Nasty little yapping things as well! :D
 
A tourist couple on an African Safari witnessed a small antelope

being chased down by a cheetah.

While the kill was about to happen before their eyes, the husband casually remarked, “I’ll bet the antelope gets away.”

The wife answered, “If that antelope survives this one, I’ll give you sex

every day for the rest of your life.” The husband's eyebrows lifted.


The deadly chase was recorded.

 
I came out of the chip shop with a meat/potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.

A poor homeless man, sitting there, said, “I've not eaten for two days.”

I told him, “I wish, I had your will power!”
 
Registration on the first day back at school

Ahmed Al Sheriah

"here"


Mustafa Al Sheriah
"here


"Fatima El Bindiri
"here"


Ali Acmah Shabeeb
"here"


Ali Sun Al En
No answer


Ali Sun Al En?
Little girl at the back stands up and says

"It's pronounced Alison Allen, for f***'s sake.."
 
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a
fifth floor balcony, shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up mate, won't it start?"
========================================
 
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