The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

A young cowboy, sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.

The cowboy walked over to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great gunfighter.

"Could you give me some tips?"he asked.

The old man said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"Sure will."

The young man did as he was told, then stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" exclaimed the cowboy. "Got any more tips?"

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cuff link off the piano player.

"Wow!" said the cowboy excitedly, "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that can of axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, the handle, and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the puzzled young man.

"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.
 
On the subject of cowboys ...

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Longview, Alberta . He sits
at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring
blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young
cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind
if I do?'

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in
his best cowboy manner says, ' Yaa, you go ahead.'

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his
place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the
bottom and notices a dead rat in the chili. The sight was enough to make him barf up the chili back into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says,
'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.'
 
This is disturbing..

disturbing.jpg
 
I was standing at the bar of our local International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.
I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu ?"
He says "No, why you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"
"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick."
 
One more

OUR FIRST WINTER in Northumberland:

Just moved to Northumberland from London and looking forward to our first winter wonderland.

22nd November It started to snow today! The first of the season, and the very first we have seen for years. The wife and I took our hot toddies out onto the porch and watched the fluffy soft snowflakes gently drift from the sky, leaving a twinkling diamond-like dusting on the trees and the lawn. It is so beautiful and peaceful here.

23rd November We awoke delighted to find a beautiful blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering the land as far as the eye can see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush is now adorned with a lovely mystical cotton wool covering, sparkling as if sent from heaven itself.

24th November Today I shovelled for the first time ever and I loved it! I cleared both our driveway and the whole of the pavement outside our house and the house next door. Later on, a snowplough came past and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver gave a big wave and smiled as he went past, I waved back and then shovelled the driveway clear again. The children next door built a snowman, with coal for its eyes and a carrot for its nose, they then had a snowball fight. A couple of snowballs just missed me and hit the car, I threw a couple back and joined in the fun.

25th November It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes have snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did the same trick again. Much of the snow is now a brownish grey.

26th November Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon turned into ice as the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both cars. Fell on my a*s* in the driveway and went to casualty, luckily nothing broken!

27th November Still cold! Had another 8 inches of white s**te last night. Sold the wife's car the other day and bought a 4x4 to get her to work. She slid into a wall and caused considerable damage to the right wing. Both the vehicles are covered in salt and iced up slush... The b**t**d snowplough came by twice today! Where's the bloody shovel?

28th November More f------ snow! Not a tree or a bush on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and paraffin heater, which then tipped over and nearly torched the house! Managed to put the flames out, but suffered second degree burns to my hands, and lost all of my eyebrows and eyelashes. Car hit a f------ deer on the way to casualty and was written off.

29th November

F------ white stuff keeps coming down! Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the postbox. The little b**t**ds next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back. I'll shove that carrot so far up their a*s*s, it'll take a surgeon hours to find it! And if I ever catch the a*s*hole that drives the snowplough, I'll kick him in the boll**ks! I think the b**t**d hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling. He then accelerates down the street like Michael f------ Schumacher and buries the f------ drive again!

30th November Sixteen more f------ inches of f------ snow, f------ ice, f------ sleet and God knows whatever other white s**te fell last night. Can't move my f------ toes, its so cold. I'm due in court in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice pick. Haven't seen the sun for five weeks. Minus 20degrees, and more f------ snow forecast!!!

1st December F--- this!!
We're moving back to London!
 
I used to have Paul Rodgers syndrome, but it's all right now.
 
14705732_778560628953605_3966822162055812805_n.jpg
 
...Shoobie doobie do wop
I wanna dedicate this
Pop pop shoo wop...
 
Steep said:
...Shoobie doobie do wop
I wanna dedicate this
Pop pop shoo wop...
Click to expand...
The questions I'd like to ask are
Who put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp?
Who put the ram in the rama lama ding dong?
 
I can't load any files, gettin "Server error" anybody else got problems?

Edit, seems ok now(y)
 
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14681780_1170382173038613_8996690558560748946_n.jpg
 
I am an amateur astronomer, this happens .....................................

astronomer.jpg
 
Farmerjim said:
I can't load any files, gettin "Server error" anybody else got problems?
Click to expand...
Its to do with the new server swap over, Marcel is ironing out the bugs, but I see you have it cracked now.
 
Cobra said:
Its to do with the new server swap over, Marcel is ironing out the bugs, but I see you have it cracked now.
Click to expand...

Marcel's going to be p***ed, he's only just got it working.
 
He shouldn't be drinking on the job...
 
turnbacktime.jpg
 
Back on January 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .
why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
 
A guy was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news.
The good news is that you are going to be OK.
The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied.
"Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
" Not exactly answered the doctor.
"She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't p*** in your eye."
 
Let that be a lesson to you all!

Fb.jpg
 
Brendan Mulachy said:
A guy was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news.
The good news is that you are going to be OK.
The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied.
"Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
" Not exactly answered the doctor.
"She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't p*** in your eye."
Click to expand...


Reminds me of another one.
A man is talking to a surgeon about his test results. The surgeon tells him he has some bad news and some very bad news.

"What's the bad news doc?"

"I'm afraid your results show you have a very aggressive disease that means you only have 24 hours to live"

"Dear god! What's the very bad news then?"

" I should have given you the news yesterday. "
 
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"She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't p*** in your eye."

A virtuoso on the pink oboe?
 
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