The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Colloquial term for flag when said object is used in an over the top way (see Tesco's new store line Jacks).
 
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Gremlin,..

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Two photographers walking along a street and they pass a beggar sitting with his hat up-ended on the pavement, begging for money. One guy keeps walking. The other stops. Later when they catch up with each other the first guy says to the other. "Hey I saw you stop for that beggar. What did you give him?"

"Oh" says the first guy, "1/125th at f5.6"
 
Answering machine message,

"I am not available right now,
but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call,
you are one of the changes."
 
Following on from Mike's posting of a 3D Tshirt with pistols and bullet belt.

When security at an airport checks your camera bag and asks what your wireless shutter releases are just say, "Oh, they are just wireless triggers"

Dave
 
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
 
I know this is in Ukrainian - but I really don't think a translation is needed :D

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The family wheeled Grandma out onto the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to the left, so again, the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon, she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."
 
A blind man standing in the center of the store swinging his guide dog around his head, the manager runs over shouting "sir what are you doing", the blind man says, oh I am just looking around.
 
My wife asked if I'd still love her if I won the lottery.

"Of course, I'd still love you," I reassured her.

"I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."
 
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