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*** >>> The Official TP Joke thread. Put your jokes in here please <<< ***
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c_robinson
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gave the missus an orgasm last night
un-grateful cow spat it out
un-grateful cow spat it out
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- The real Chris
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munch
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Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Ohio State University , has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the **** out of him.
At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the **** out of him.
munch
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An Aussie truckie who has been out on the road for three weeks stops
into a brothel outside Kalgoorlie.
He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says,
I want your ugliest woman and a burnt chop.!!
The Madam is astonished. 'But sir, for that kind of money you
could have one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal.
The truckie replies, 'I'm not horny . . . . .......... I'm homesick.
into a brothel outside Kalgoorlie.
He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says,
I want your ugliest woman and a burnt chop.!!
The Madam is astonished. 'But sir, for that kind of money you
could have one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal.
The truckie replies, 'I'm not horny . . . . .......... I'm homesick.
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- Ingrid
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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,wearing an oxygen mask over his
mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies
'I don't know,Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.'
He struggles to ask again,
'Nurse, are my Testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,
she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other,
lifting and moving them around and around gently.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen Very, very closely.....
' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - B a c k ?
mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies
'I don't know,Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.'
He struggles to ask again,
'Nurse, are my Testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,
she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other,
lifting and moving them around and around gently.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen Very, very closely.....
' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - B a c k ?
erding
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- Tom
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An architect, an artist, and an photographer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The photographer said, "I like both."
The other two replied, "Both?"
"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go out and shoot more photo."
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The photographer said, "I like both."
The other two replied, "Both?"
"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go out and shoot more photo."
foggy4ever
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- Storm Trooper
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How do you know if your girlfriend is rough?
When you are in bed and ask for a blowjob and she replies.....
Not tonight I have a headache, have a **** in a cup and I will drink it in the morning.
When you are in bed and ask for a blowjob and she replies.....
Not tonight I have a headache, have a **** in a cup and I will drink it in the morning.
BBC News - Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 60. A company spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs ( or B.O.O.M. ) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up.?
Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are few virgins in their areas anyway.
According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 60. A company spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs ( or B.O.O.M. ) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up.?
Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are few virgins in their areas anyway.
According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.
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- Nod (UK)
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A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller window:
-- I want to open a damn checking account.
The astonished woman replies:
-- I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?
-- Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!
-- I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank.
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer:
-- Sir, what seems to be the problem here?
-- There is no damn problem. I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank, okay?
-- I see. - says the manager - And is this bitch giving you a hard time?
-- I want to open a damn checking account.
The astonished woman replies:
-- I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?
-- Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!
-- I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank.
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer:
-- Sir, what seems to be the problem here?
-- There is no damn problem. I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank, okay?
-- I see. - says the manager - And is this bitch giving you a hard time?
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- The real Chris
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- Marcos James
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What's an Albion fan got in common with a ****...........
It's nice to knock one out every now and again
It's nice to knock one out every now and again
Bendihossan
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A stunning blonde walks into a bar with a pig on a leash, as she and the pig stride toward the bar the barman says to the pair "Where'd you get that dumb animal?" The pig looks up and says "Found her rolling in some **** outside!"
Doc
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An 85-year-old couple had been married for 60 years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the Pearly Gates and Saint Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion furnished in gold and fine silks with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "Remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.
"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You play for free, every day...."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'
The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"
"Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your f*#*ing bran flakes. We could have been here 10 years ago!"
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the Pearly Gates and Saint Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion furnished in gold and fine silks with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "Remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.
"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You play for free, every day...."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'
The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"
"Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your f*#*ing bran flakes. We could have been here 10 years ago!"
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- The real Chris
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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold
blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing
cold.'
The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs. Your body heat will
warm
them up.' The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, 'My
hands
are freezing cold.' The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs. The
warmth
of my body will warm them up.' He did and warmed his hands.
The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the
daughter.
He said, 'My nose is cold.' The girl replied,' Put it between my legs.
The
warmth of my body will warm it up.' He did and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he
said, 'My penis is frozen solid.'
The following day the daughter was driving in
the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, 'Have you
ever heard of a penis?'
Slightly concerned the mother said,' Why, yes...?! Why do you ask?'
The daughter replies: 'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?
blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing
cold.'
The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs. Your body heat will
warm
them up.' The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, 'My
hands
are freezing cold.' The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs. The
warmth
of my body will warm them up.' He did and warmed his hands.
The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the
daughter.
He said, 'My nose is cold.' The girl replied,' Put it between my legs.
The
warmth of my body will warm it up.' He did and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he
said, 'My penis is frozen solid.'
The following day the daughter was driving in
the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, 'Have you
ever heard of a penis?'
Slightly concerned the mother said,' Why, yes...?! Why do you ask?'
The daughter replies: 'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?
Spiritflier
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THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'
The Aussie said 'One!'
The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?'
'£124,237.64p.'
The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!!What the hell did you sell him?'
'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'
'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'
'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4
The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'
'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...
'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'
The Aussie said 'One!'
The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?'
'£124,237.64p.'
The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!!What the hell did you sell him?'
'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'
'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'
'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4
The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'
'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...
'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'
3 couples were sitting round the breakfast table on holiday. an american couple, an english couple & a couple from glasgow....
the american turns to his wife & says 'pass the honey honey'
the englishman, not wanting to be outdone says, 'pass the sugar sugar'
the glaswegian turns to his wife & says 'geis the milk ye cow'
in the paper it said 'please look after your neighbours at wintertime'
not once has my 83 year old neighbour come round to see if i'm ok?
the lazy bitch hasn't even taken her milk in for 2 weeks!
was it wrong of me to attempt sex with my girlfriend when she was leaning into the fridge??
the tesco security man said it was......
glasgow pilot lands at airport and forgets to turn off the main intercom.
co-pilot asks 'what you goin to do first?'
pilot says 'first am gonnae dae a big jobbie then shag the arse aff that wee stewardess'
horrified the stewardess runs towards the cockpit to confront him but trips over wee old woman's feet.
the old woman helps her up and says 'take yer time hen, he's gaun for a jobbie first'!!
the american turns to his wife & says 'pass the honey honey'
the englishman, not wanting to be outdone says, 'pass the sugar sugar'
the glaswegian turns to his wife & says 'geis the milk ye cow'
in the paper it said 'please look after your neighbours at wintertime'
not once has my 83 year old neighbour come round to see if i'm ok?
the lazy bitch hasn't even taken her milk in for 2 weeks!
was it wrong of me to attempt sex with my girlfriend when she was leaning into the fridge??
the tesco security man said it was......
glasgow pilot lands at airport and forgets to turn off the main intercom.
co-pilot asks 'what you goin to do first?'
pilot says 'first am gonnae dae a big jobbie then shag the arse aff that wee stewardess'
horrified the stewardess runs towards the cockpit to confront him but trips over wee old woman's feet.
the old woman helps her up and says 'take yer time hen, he's gaun for a jobbie first'!!
Last edited:
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- Ebenezer McScrooge III
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After a visit to a whorehouse a man notices a green lump on his willy so goes to the doctor.
Thats serious says the doctor,you know how rugby players get cauliflower ear?Yes says the man nervously.Well says the doctor,You've got a brothel sprout!
Thats serious says the doctor,you know how rugby players get cauliflower ear?Yes says the man nervously.Well says the doctor,You've got a brothel sprout!
The Magik
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- Joe
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One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.
We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."
We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.
I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing complete satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"
I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having 'it' tonight either.... but at least she knows I'm smarter than her.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.
We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."
We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.
I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing complete satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"
I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having 'it' tonight either.... but at least she knows I'm smarter than her.
The Magik
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- Joe
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A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, “I’ll do anything you want for 50 bucks.” He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. He pulls out a ten, two fives, a twenty, and ten ones. He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman’s hand and says, “Here...paint my house.”
Bendihossan
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A local Apple store was burgled with over £10,000 of goods stolen. The police are confident they'll be able to find both computers.
Snap_Happy
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- Nigel
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- The real Chris
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A Greek and Italian were talking one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over coffee the Greek says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."
The Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to mathematics."
The Italian, nodding, says, "But we built the Roman Empire ."
And, so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies,
"That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."
Doc
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HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
TheNissanMan
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Taken from another forum I visit, although am sure this is from another forum and another forum etc etc etc....
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- Kelly
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Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip -
shopping, massages, facials.
Two days before the group is to leave Mary's husband puts his foot down
and tells her she isn't going.
Mary's friends are very upset that she can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in
the bar drinking a glass of wine.
"Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your husband into
letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night...
Yesterday evening I was sitting on the couch and my husband came up
behind me and put his hands over my eyes and said 'Guess who'?"
I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was his birthday suit.
He took my hand and lead me to our bedroom. The room was scented with
perfume, had two dozen candles and rose petals all over ....
On the bed, he had handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him
to the bed, so I did.
And then he said, "Now, you can do whatever you want."
"So here I am!!!"
shopping, massages, facials.
Two days before the group is to leave Mary's husband puts his foot down
and tells her she isn't going.
Mary's friends are very upset that she can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in
the bar drinking a glass of wine.
"Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your husband into
letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night...
Yesterday evening I was sitting on the couch and my husband came up
behind me and put his hands over my eyes and said 'Guess who'?"
I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was his birthday suit.
He took my hand and lead me to our bedroom. The room was scented with
perfume, had two dozen candles and rose petals all over ....
On the bed, he had handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him
to the bed, so I did.
And then he said, "Now, you can do whatever you want."
"So here I am!!!"
craigieboi
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choose deep fried pizza,
choose irn bru,
choose tablet and macaroon,
choose pubs wi nae windaes & sh**t*rs wi nae bog roll,
choose buckfast,
choose to get your motor washed for a fiver then the very same night it gets pinched by the same wee prick that washed it,
choose a fekin big chib down your face by some wee w**k in a shellsuit calling you a bawbag.
CHOOSE GLASGOW FOR THE COMMONWEALTH GAMES 2014
are they aff theyre feking heids............................................
choose irn bru,
choose tablet and macaroon,
choose pubs wi nae windaes & sh**t*rs wi nae bog roll,
choose buckfast,
choose to get your motor washed for a fiver then the very same night it gets pinched by the same wee prick that washed it,
choose a fekin big chib down your face by some wee w**k in a shellsuit calling you a bawbag.
CHOOSE GLASGOW FOR THE COMMONWEALTH GAMES 2014
are they aff theyre feking heids............................................
Last edited:
craigieboi
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one day a guy with premature ejaculation problems visits the doctor,
the doc says....." when ever you feel the urge to ejaculate, startle yourself"
so he goes out and buys a starter pistol.
when he gets home his wife is already naked in bed waiting for him
.
so they get into the 69 position and go at it
when he feels the urge he fires his starting pistol.
next day he visits the doc and the doc asks how it went?
" not to good, my wife bit off one inch of my dick, **** in my face ..... and the neighbour came running out the closet naked with his hands held up............................
the doc says....." when ever you feel the urge to ejaculate, startle yourself"
so he goes out and buys a starter pistol.
when he gets home his wife is already naked in bed waiting for him
.
so they get into the 69 position and go at it
when he feels the urge he fires his starting pistol.
next day he visits the doc and the doc asks how it went?
" not to good, my wife bit off one inch of my dick, **** in my face ..... and the neighbour came running out the closet naked with his hands held up............................
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realspeed
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Motoring Heaven
Three men died and went to heaven. As the pearly gates opened there in front of them was a line of cars.
So one of the men said to Jesus " I didn't know you had cars in heaven"
"Oh yes " replied Jesus "we love motoring up here and one of these cars is given to each new person. It depends on how faithful to your wife you were on earth as to which car you get".
So Jesus asks the first man how faithfull he was.
"Well to tell the truth Jesus, any woman that took my fancy I went for"
"thats very bad " said Jesus " All I can offer you is a mini "
So Jesus asks the second man how faithfull he was.
"Actually I think I was quiet faithfull, I only slipped up twice during the whole of my marriage" the second man replied
"In that case you can have a Mondeo" said Jesus
So Jesus asks the third man man how faithfull he was.
"Jesus" replied the third man " In 30 years of marriage I have never looked at another woman"
"Well done, you can have a Bentley"
The next day all three took out their new cars for a spin around heaven. Going around a corner the mini and the mondeo owners saw the Bentley owner leaning over the bonnet crying his eyes out. So they went up and asked what the matter was as he had the very best car there was.
The Bentley owner replied " I have just seen my wife pass by on a pushbike "
Realspeed
Three men died and went to heaven. As the pearly gates opened there in front of them was a line of cars.
So one of the men said to Jesus " I didn't know you had cars in heaven"
"Oh yes " replied Jesus "we love motoring up here and one of these cars is given to each new person. It depends on how faithful to your wife you were on earth as to which car you get".
So Jesus asks the first man how faithfull he was.
"Well to tell the truth Jesus, any woman that took my fancy I went for"
"thats very bad " said Jesus " All I can offer you is a mini "
So Jesus asks the second man how faithfull he was.
"Actually I think I was quiet faithfull, I only slipped up twice during the whole of my marriage" the second man replied
"In that case you can have a Mondeo" said Jesus
So Jesus asks the third man man how faithfull he was.
"Jesus" replied the third man " In 30 years of marriage I have never looked at another woman"
"Well done, you can have a Bentley"
The next day all three took out their new cars for a spin around heaven. Going around a corner the mini and the mondeo owners saw the Bentley owner leaning over the bonnet crying his eyes out. So they went up and asked what the matter was as he had the very best car there was.
The Bentley owner replied " I have just seen my wife pass by on a pushbike "
Realspeed
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