*** >>> The Official TP Joke thread. Put your jokes in here please <<< ***

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Cobra said:
I guess you are going straight to hell :(



And I will be right behind you for laughing :D
Click to expand...

... dodging the burnt ones :lol:

Arthur - in the same queue :D
 
..... then they threw down a tiny baby, Paddy caught it, bounced it on the ground and kicked it back!
 
I've just heard on the news that Russia and America are reducing their nuclear weapons by a third... they're dumping them on Afghanistan.
 
SECONDS before Death (CHILLING).
WARNING! GRAPHIC BOATING PHOTO.
THIS IS A PICTURE OF A MAN WITH JUST SECONDS LEFT TO LIVE











(FRIGHTENING !)






(Scroll Down)





4472251731_ca42bd4ecc_o.jpg
:D
 
:D
 
Cherie Blair is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car. Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.

Cherie, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur: 'You get out and check - you were driving. '

The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.

'You were driving; go and tell the farmer, ' says Cherie.

Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.

'My god, what happened to you?' asks Cherie.

The chauffeur replies: ' When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me. '

'What on earth did you say?' asks Cherie. '

I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them:

I'm Cherie Blair's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.
 
just drove past Upton park and saw 9 season tickets nailed to the gates.

I thought I'm having them.












You can never have enough nails ............
 
Doc said:
I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them:

I'm Cherie Blair's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.
Click to expand...

:D
 
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."
:lol:
 
 
Rob_W said:
I'm starting up a dating service for lezzas who like to sh*g other women with a dildo and harness.

It's going to be called 'Strapped for Gash'.


.
Click to expand...

<GROAN>
:D
And the lesbian nurses favourite operation?
Strapadicktome :thumbs:
 
BOB & THE BLONDE



Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.


The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"


Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."


Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money...
 
When you're from the country ~ you look at things a little
differently...


A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to the neighbouring
ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your Dad home?" the rancher asked.
"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well," said the rancher, "Is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the
other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely. "I know
where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could
take a message for Dad."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your
Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie,
pregnant."'

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about
that,"he finally conceded.

"If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges
$500 for the bull, and $50 for the hog,
but I really don't know how much
he gets for Howard."
 
"Volcanic Ash Troubles the World"

The Conservatives vow to remove the ash.
The BNP says there is too much volcanic ash in the country and they must go back.
The Green Party says that the ash fails to meet environmental laws.
The French surrender to the ash.
The Americans eat the ash.
Labour gives the ash benefits and a council house.
The Lib Dems stay quiet like they ********* should.
 
I paid by credit card for my shopping in Iceland today...

They asked me if I wanted ashback! ;)
 
Stevie Wonder.................7 kids
David Blunkett.................5 kids
Ray Charles....................12 kids



I think its safe to say its not w****ing that makes you go blind.
 
Vote for the Icelandic Volcano party, they stop all immigrants comming into the country.

Realspeed
 
Yo mamma's so fat, that when she got cremated, all flights in Europe got cancelled.
 
You get worse Rob..................
Made I larf though :D
 
As per post #793 :p
 
Customer: Waiter, there's volcanic ash in my soup.

Waiter: I know, it's a no-fly zone.







:coat:
 
:D
 
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