*** >>> The Official TP Joke thread. Put your jokes in here please <<< ***

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Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on. That night after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired back to their room. Camilla flopped on the bed and said: 'Please remove my shoes darling. One's feet are killing one.'

Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour .. . . But it would not budge.

'Harder' yelled Camilla. 'Harder'

Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'

'Come on give it all you've got ' she cried.

Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed: 'There! Oh God, that feels so good.'

In their bedroom next door The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said: 'See I told you she had to still be a virgin with a face like that!'

Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out: 'Oh God, darling this ones even tighter'.


At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen:

'That's my boy, once a Navy man, always a Navy man!'
 
Dangermouse1964 said:
At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen:

'That's my boy, once a Navy man, always a Navy man!'
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Yep have heard something similar, Pete but it still is good for a laugh :thumbs:
 
Wayne Bridge has vowed never to play for England while John Terry is in the squad after he shagged his mrs. All we need now is for Terry to shag Heskey's mrs.
 
Matt Sayle said:
Wayne Bridge has vowed never to play for England while John Terry is in the squad after he shagged his mrs. All we need now is for Terry to shag Heskey's mrs.
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:lol::lol::lol:
Your a bad man Matt :D
 
It&#8217;s been announced on Sky Sports News that Capello has phoned Wayne Bridge to let him know that John Terry has lost his captain&#8217;s armband.

He has asked Bridge to check under the bed
 
Humiliation, Hurt, Betrayal!
Wayne Bridge should be awarded a medal for coping with it all...

... Well, he ain't going to get one at Man City!
 
kelack said:
It’s been announced on Sky Sports News that Capello has phoned Wayne Bridge to let him know that John Terry has lost his captain’s armband.

He has asked Bridge to check under the bed
Click to expand...

kelack said:
Humiliation, Hurt, Betrayal!
Wayne Bridge should be awarded a medal for coping with it all...

... Well, he ain't going to get one at Man City!
Click to expand...

Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeow
:lol::lol::lol:
 
kelack said:
It’s been announced on Sky Sports News that Capello has phoned Wayne Bridge to let him know that John Terry has lost his captain’s armband.

He has asked Bridge to check under the bed
Click to expand...


I love that one!
I was about to post it but you beat me to it :D
 
:lol: I've had quite a few sent to me!
 
Rob_W said:
OMG....... I just texted my girlfiend asking her she fancied a hot sh*g tonight but i sent it to my mum instead

What was worse she text back saying 'Ok your dads working tonight anyway' ... :eek:


.
Click to expand...

Incest !



A game for all the family :cool: :nono:
 
Granddad was reminiscing about the good old days...

"When I were a lad, me mother would send me down to t'corner shop wi' a shilling, and I'd come back wi' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o' bread, three pints o' milk, a pound o' cheese, a packet o'
tea, an' 'alf a dozen eggs.



Yer can't do that now.







Too many bloody security cameras."
 
> > >> The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an
> > >> administrative mix up the Pope went to hell and Tiger Woods went to
> > >> heaven.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in hell,
> > >> and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error.
> > >> "However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be
> > >> rectified".
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bid him farewell.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from heaven and
> > >> they stop to have a chat.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> "Sorry about the mix up", apologises the Pope
> > >>
> > >> "No problem" replied Tiger Woods,
> > >>
> > >> Pope: "I am really anxious to get to heaven"
> > >>
> > >> Tiger: "Why is that?"
> > >>
> > >> Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"
> > >>
> > >> Tiger: "You're a day late."
 
The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is, I can cure your headaches.
The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press
on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed.

He wondered if he had anything left to live for but he had no choice
but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first
time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of
himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a
different person.
He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought,
'That's what I need... a new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman,
'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said,
'Let's see. size 44 long.' Joe laughed,
'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit, it fitted perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,
'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said,
'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fitted perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked,
'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see.. size 36.'
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you,
I've worn a size 34 underpants since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34.
A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your
spine, and give you one hell of a headache.'

New suit - £300
New shirt - £20
New underwear - £10
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
 
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "****ed Off" to "Let's get the *******s" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line in the British army for the last 300 years.:lol:

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

And in the southern hemisphere...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the Air Force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the Navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "****, I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend" and "The Barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

American spelling ;)
 
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that
she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said Softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming Or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen, table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, Her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
 
dod said:
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
Click to expand...

Heard it before but it makes me grin every time, as I too like my eggs soft :D
 
During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank of Ireland it was found that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin

When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password: he replied ''Bejazus! are yez stupid? Shore Oi was told me password had to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital''












​




http://www.incredimail.com/?id=603341&rui=46951404


 
Pretty sure this is an old one, but a quick search didn't pick anything up, so here goes...



Ghandi liked to walk around everywhere bare-foot, so as you'd expect the skin on his feet became quite thick and hard. It was also said that he didn't eat very much, even when on hunger strike. As a very spiritual man, there wasn't much time left for personal hygiene. As a result, his breath really did stink.

Some say he was a supercallousedfragilemysticplaguedbyhalitosis.



:coat: :D
 
Two pedophiles go to the beach. One says to the other; "Excuse me, you're in my sun.".

Sorry,...
 
Recipe:-How To Make Love

Ingredients:

4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
1 Fur-lined mixing bowl
1 Firm banana
2 Nuts

Directions:

1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed.
For best results, continue to knead milk containers.
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft.

If banana does not soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.

Notes:

1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town.


**~*~*~*~*~*~**~**~*~*~*~*~*~**

**~*~*~*~*~*~**~**~*~*~*~*~*~**
 
A slightly different slant to one that i have heard before but :lol: anyway
 
Rob_W said:
Went to the doctors the other day and as he examined me he felt my b*llox

He said 'Dont worry, its not unusual to get a hard on'

I replied 'I dont have one'

He said 'I wasnt talking about you'


.
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:lol:

Matt Sayle said:
What is worse then a dog chewing your shoe?

A killer whale eating your trainer!

:coat: :lol::lol:
Click to expand...

:nono:


:lol:
 
An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession... I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Marys.;
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,
Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'
 
The parish priest went on a fishing trip.

On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"

"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"

"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"

Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.

"Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen."

"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"

"Why, eat it! Of course You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!"

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.

While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"

"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.

"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch," she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

"What are you doing Sister?"

"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner."

"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"

"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish."

"Really? Well in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!"

"Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."

On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal.

The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.

The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"

"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.

"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.

The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch using a special recipe!"

The new Bishop looked around at each of them. A big smile crept across his face as he said laughing,

"You ****ers are my kind of people!"
 
dod said:
The new Bishop looked around at each of them. A big smile crept across his face as he said laughing,

"You ****ers are my kind of people!"
Click to expand...

:lol::lol::lol:
 
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