The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

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Got lucky today.




































Found an extra wide parking slot right outside the shop, there was no queue at the check-out and I got a 10% discount.
 
The plane was fairly full of instructors and beginners as I prepared for my first parachute jump.

Have to say I was terrified as a bloke clipped us together and then we jumped.

I breathed a sigh of relief as it wasn't anywhere near as bad as I'd feared but I got really worried again when the bloke said, "How long have you been an instructor?"


Dave
 
It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite
He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck.
Shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer.
"Son" he said, "I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?"
The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"What was that?" the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."
"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying."
The boy spat the bait into his hand and said... "You have to keep the worms warm!"
 
A man was in a long queue at his local supermarket. As he got to the register he realised he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register:

She asked. "What size condoms?"

The customer replied that he didn’t know.

She asked him to drop his trousers, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom. "One box of large condoms, Till 5."

The next man in line thought this was interesting and like most of us was up for a cheap thrill.

When he got up to the register, he told the cashier that he too had forgotten to get condoms and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn’t know.

She asked him to drop his trousers, gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom microphone and said. "One box of medium sized condoms, Till 5."

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a woman, so he thought this was his chance.

When he got to the checkout he told the girl he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn’t know.

She asked him to drop his trousers, she reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the Intercom and said…....

"Mop and bucket, till 5."
 
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Not many words have a consecutive triplet of double letters (think "xxxxeeffooxxx"). Anyone know any?
 
Food ,mood ,pooed . Wood. Stood . Hood and probably tons more but it’s a moot point LOL
 
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