The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Our SIL had a cat that used to sleep in the washing machine!
 
my next door neighbour had a cat that used to sleep inside the engine-space in my old Sierra GLS (this is way before all those plastic trays under the engine and so on, and back when there used to be a bit of space around the actual engine) - they'd put the cat out for the night, and it eventually realised that If I got home at 1am from work, after driving the length of the country, the old iron block on my car would keep the engine space quite a bit warmer than the surrounding area. It was a black cat, so it didn't show the oil marks...

I say they HAD a cat - i'm slightly ashamed to say, it was on the engine block when I went to work one morning, I drove my then usual commute to northallerton, around 90 miles, and didn't notice the noises until I got out of the car in the works car park. Heard something very angry when I stopped the car and turned off engine, opened bonnet and this black smouldering object LAUNCHED off the cylinder block, over my shoulder, bolted across the car park and was never seen again.

Felt really sorry for the neighbours - not sorry enough to let them know i'd basically stolen and cooked their cat then left it in Northallerton, but I did feel sorry for them.
 
An old friend of mine had a cat that we nicknamed Kato of Pink Panther fame. He would wait sitting on top of a long case clock and pounce on you as you came through the door!
 
A friend has a short tailed cat who used to sit atop their living room door and bat at people's heads as they walked past. Until one day, the door swung shut on his tail, hence the short tail and the "used to"!
 
A few years ago a work colleague of mine who lived in Warrington lost his cat. Several days later he got a call from the Channel Islands, to say his cat (which was microchipped) had been found in a shipping container. Apparently it had sneaked into the container at a depot near his home. The poor thing was starving. He had to drive to Poole to collect it.
 
broc said:
A few years ago a work colleague of mine who lived in Warrington lost his cat. Several days later he got a call from the Channel Islands, to say his cat (which was microchipped) had been found in a shipping container. Apparently it had sneaked into the container at a depot near his home. The poor thing was starving. He had to drive to Poole to collect it.
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I wouldn’t have bothered:(
 
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In the days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches, etc.) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he’s my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a drooling, hunchbacked, one-eyed, toothless, hairless, foul-smelling, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight boxing division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."
Here, the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that, Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor he was a fraud."
 
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