The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, "I don't know; this is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out and he left”.
The couple sat and waited for an answer.... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"
 
I asked my ex girlfriend how long she could hold her breath. After a bit of practise, she said she could hold it for about 2 1/2 minutes. I asked if she could possibly manage 3 minutes and she replied that she couldn't and that 2 1/2 minutes was plenty of time. Handy ammunition...
 
Guy goes to the Doctors

“I have this problem… I keep seeing cream cakes in the corner of my eye! I look and there’s nothing there! Wtf is going on?!”

“Nothing to worry about” Doc replies “It’s just your profiterole vision”
 
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A Mini Cooper with dark tinted windows pulls up next to a Rolls Royce at a red light. The Mini driver rolls down his window and asks the Rolls Royce driver, “You got a telephone in that Roller?”

“As a matter of fact I do, right here on the seat beside me,” says the Roller driver.

“Me too,” says the Mini driver. “You got a TV in that Roller?”

The Roller driver replies: “Yes I do, right here on the dash.”

“Me too,” says the Mini driver. “You got a twin bed in the back seat?”

The Roller driver replies: “Er . . . no.”

“I do,” says the Mini driver, just as the light turns green and he shoots off. The Rolls Royce driver makes a note of the registration number then heads straight to the nearest Rolls Royce dealer. “Yes,” the dealership assistant tells him, “we do carry and can install a twin bed in the rear seat of your car.” So, after about a week the Roller driver picks up his car with the newly installed twin bed.

A couple of days later he spots the Mini Cooper in a car park. He gets out of his car, walks over to the Mini and starts rapping on the back window.

No response. He raps on the window again. No response, so he raps some more. The window lowers a couple of inches and the Mini driver says, “Yes?”

“Remember me?” says the Roller driver. “I just wanted you to know that I have a twin bed in the back seat of my Roller now.”

The Mini driver frowns and says: “You get me out of the shower just to tell me that?”
 
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